The Super-Meaning of Romantic Relationships

[InquiringMind]

I appreciate the thoughts and the good-humored posts, but my question was more the existential meaning-seeking version of the single high-school guys' question, "Dude, my life is really lame and sucks really bad because I don't have a girlfriend, so if I get a girlfriend will my life not suck so hard?"

So I'm really asking whether having an intimate relationship in your life makes other parts of your life (work, hobbies, ect.) more meaningful, or if having an intimate relationship in your life is irrelevant to the meaning you find in other areas of you life.

[Athene]

I'm not in a romantic relationship, and I'm one of "those" atheists who's determined that life is essentially meaningless. I'm not particularly sad or depressed at any given moment, and I do find enjoyment in life, but I'm rarely happy. I can't remember the last time I was.

I don't know if, or how much of that is resulting from loss of faith, how much may be due to working a job where I where I continually witness death and suffering, or how much comes from being unattached and alone. I imagine it's likely be due to one or a combination of those things; Perhaps all of  three. Perhaps more. 
I don't know.

On occasion, I do feel as though a romantic relationship could give me something to look forward to, something and someone to nurture, a reason to set goals, a sense of connection, etc. ...Temporarily, at least. I've been married and divorced, so I also suspect that the "meaningful" feeling would likely be fleeting, unless I were to find an ideal partner.

Hope that helps a bit.

[Little lunch]

In my opinion, romantic relationships do not make other aspects of your life any better, if anything it makes them more complicated and often clashes with the life of your partner and vice versa.
However, if you trust them I can imagine you get a feeling of security in that you have someone closer than a friend to rely on.
As a youngster I felt sorry for people who were single but nowadays I feel sorry for couples. :-)
I admit that I'm only speaking from experience and that my experiences do not encompass all others.
Having a child though, for me, has made all aspects of my life better and made me a better person.

[bennyboy]

I'm not in a romantic relationship, and I'm one of "those" atheists who's determined that life is essentially meaningless. I'm not particularly sad or depressed at any given moment, and I do find enjoyment in life, but I'm rarely happy. I can't remember the last time I was.

I don't know if, or how much of that is resulting from loss of faith, how much may be due to working a job where I where I continually witness death and suffering, or how much comes from being unattached and alone. I imagine it's likely be due to one or a combination of those things; Perhaps all of  three. Perhaps more. 
I don't know.

On occasion, I do feel as though a romantic relationship could give me something to look forward to, something and someone to nurture, a reason to set goals, a sense of connection, etc. ...Temporarily, at least. I've been married and divorced, so I also suspect that the "meaningful" feeling would likely be fleeting, unless I were to find an ideal partner.

Hope that helps a bit.

My wife and I have meaning-- developing a business and developing our kids.

I don't think meaning comes from feelings-- those are too fleeting.  They come from a shared vision for the future, and a mutual willingness to work toward that vision.  Yes, you can have that alone, but doing it together with someone is gratifying, too.

[Little lunch]

I'm not in a romantic relationship, and I'm one of "those" atheists who's determined that life is essentially meaningless. I'm not particularly sad or depressed at any given moment, and I do find enjoyment in life, but I'm rarely happy. I can't remember the last time I was.

I don't know if, or how much of that is resulting from loss of faith, how much may be due to working a job where I where I continually witness death and suffering, or how much comes from being unattached and alone. I imagine it's likely be due to one or a combination of those things; Perhaps all of  three. Perhaps more. 
I don't know.

On occasion, I do feel as though a romantic relationship could give me something to look forward to, something and someone to nurture, a reason to set goals, a sense of connection, etc. ...Temporarily, at least. I've been married and divorced, so I also suspect that the "meaningful" feeling would likely be fleeting, unless I were to find an ideal partner.

Hope that helps a bit.

My wife and I have meaning-- developing a business and developing our kids.

I don't think meaning comes from feelings-- those are too fleeting.  They come from a shared vision for the future, and a mutual willingness to work toward that vision.  Yes, you can have that alone, but doing it together with someone is gratifying, too.

Apart from developing a business, my ex-wife and I have the same thing, we just no longer have a romantic relationship.

[bennyboy]

Apart from developing a business, my ex-wife and I have the same thing, we just no longer have a romantic relationship.

Eh, romance is kind of over-rated. We are done having kids. I don't really need to set my wife's heart a-flutter.

Bonding and trust are more important than romance for sure.

[fdesilva]

OK, so I get the part about me being about to decide for myself what the meaning (with a small "m") of my life, and of events in my life, is.  I can do this somewhat well in my work.  I enjoy my work in my physics lab.  I find the work to be intrinsically rewarding, meaning that I enjoy the work for its own value rather than because I want to get something else, like money.  So I feel reasonably confident that I can build a system of meaning around my scientific work.  

But when it comes to romantic relationships, I'm really struggling with finding meaning (and in this thread, when I say "relationships", I'm talking about romantic relationships.)  I've failed pretty badly at relationships.  I've been on many many dates and had seven girlfriends in my life, but none of those relationships lasted for more than a few months.  I've done an enormous amount of reading about relationships and dating, including attachment theory, Imago therapy, PUA, and lots of other stuff, but none of it has been very helpful in helping me to form a stable relationship.  

Relationships have always had a sort of super-meaning to me, meaning that relationships are what makes everything else meaningful.  In my scientific work I've often thought to myself, "What's the point of doing science when I come home to an empty apartment every night?"  This seems to hold true for most things in my life, including sports and fitness, social life, hobbies, etc.  It feels like these activities are meaningless if they don't lead to me to what I really want, which is a romantic relationship.  I've learned to surf in the last two years, but it feels meaningless because my surfing skills haven't gotten me a girlfriend.  

Some of this comes from my Mormon upbringing, in which the whole point of the life of a Mormon is to get married so you can make Mormon babies who can then pay more money to the Church.  Part of it is my anxious attachment style, which makes me somewhat preoccupied with relationships.  

I can't seem to get away from this idea, though:  If I'm just going to end up alone, then what's the point of doing anything?  

But I already know that most relationships aren't all moonlight and roses.  In fact, the majority of marriages are unhappy marriages (which is a topic I'd like to discuss in another thread.)  I have often wondered why people seem to continue to want relationships in spite of the high failure rate of relationships, and I would include myself in that group.  But that's a different discussion.  

The standard self-help guru advice is that I need to become more independent and more comfortable with myself, and to build up an amazing fulfilling satisfying life such that I don't feel that I need a relationship to complete me.  But no amount of awesomeness in my life has been able to take the place of a real person by my side to go do stuff with.  

So the thing that I'm wanting to discuss here is the super-meaning of relationships, which is that having a close intimate relationship in your life seems to give extra meaning to all the other things you do, and that lacking a close intimate relationship makes other activities in your life feel meaningless.  

What do you think?

I believe the human mind is capable of loving just about anything romantically or otherwise. We say falling in love, and many take this to mean you have no control over whom you fall in love with. I think it’s the very opposite. You choose whom you want to love and then let yourself go. Loose all control. Fear neither joy or sorrow. Be true to one thing alone, your choice to love that person. In a hundred years you may have not found a single girl that has ever loved you. But you would have truly loved at least a hundred and that would make your life worthwhile.

[The Grand Nudger]

So I'm really asking whether having an intimate relationship in your life makes other parts of your life (work, hobbies, ect.) more meaningful, or if having an intimate relationship in your life is irrelevant to the meaning you find in other areas of you life.

No.

[Edwardo Piet]

I don't think it's emotionally healthy to go too long without an intimate relationship with someone. For people like me, anyway.

Me too!

[Gemini]

So I'm really asking whether having an intimate relationship in your life makes other parts of your life (work, hobbies, ect.) more meaningful, or if having an intimate relationship in your life is irrelevant to the meaning you find in other areas of you life.

For me, yes. Having a romantic relationship makes everything more meaningful. Songs I hear on the radio, dealing with people at work...but maybe that's just me. Maybe it depends on the individual. But I would rather have tragic, star-crossed love than nothing.