What level of dominance/submission do you expect from a romantic partner?

[paulpablo]

I actually find dominance/submission to be an incredible turn-off.  I had a partner who was interested in BDSM and I absolutely hated it, regardless of which role I was playing.

Again I want to be clear that I'm not necesserily talking about gimp masks and whips.

I'm talking about the dominance and submission in life that you pretty much can't opt out of in a relationship.  In a lot of cases it's not difficult to see in groups of friends/work colleages or any groups of people who are the more dominant people or submissive people.

It's definitely not always clear cut and I think it could be subject to the type of situation people are in but I think in some shape or form it exists in and outside of the bedroom.

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So let me just put a few examples forward and answer them if you want.

I know these questions weren't directed towards me, but I'd like to take a stab at answering.

When you go out with a romantic partner are you comfortable choosing where to go or do you tend to like that being chosen?

It depends. 
I can't imagine anyone wanting to be being in a relationship where one person is tagged the Permanent Decider of All Things Entertaining and Fun.

If you go to watch a movie do you take the lead and choose where to sit?

Who cares? Don't most people prefer the middle to back rows anyway?

"How 'bout here?"
"Yeah, this is good."
"Okay."

No one's really taking the lead in that scenario, are they? They're just agreeing where to sit.

Are you usually the one who's approached the other person first/made the initial move towards the person you're romantically involved with?

In the past, if I suspected there was genuine interest on a fella's part, I would move things along by engaging in conversation; and perhaps do a bit of flirting.

"Oh, I love your shoes. Are those leather?" OR...
"Tell me everything you know about small engines. And start from the beginning."

You know, that sort of thang.

Looking back over the women who I've taken out it's fairly obvious they have what's basically a mental checklist of these things being important to tick off. 

It is refreshing when I've taken out a girl with more of your type of attitude where it doesn't matter but I think mostly, especially when taking a female out for the first time I've learned that it's generally playing it safe to never let the girl pay, always decide where you're going to sit in places, always have a plan of where you're going, and if you can drive then do the driving.
I tend to notice these little things now because I've had years in my early life of being viciously nervous on really crap dates, not knowing what I'm doing and seeing the disgusted look or just look of awkwardness on a womans face when I've done things like not take the lead in deciding little things or paying for little things.

I think it would be an interesting social experiment for people who say these things don't matter or they don't notice them to try and notice these little things next time they go out with a partner.  Who decides on the places to go, who decides on the seats, who drives, or who pays.

There's definitely practical reasons why things like this might not matter.  If one person forgets their money then the other person has to pay, if one person can't drive the other person has to, one person might have a really clear idea of this new resteraunt they're dying to go to.

[J a c k]

Ok. I'll answer more in tune to what your question was meant to be.
When I go with a partner to the movies, I usually take turns. The first time I'll be a gentleman and let them pick, the next I'll suggest the movie. When it comes to seating, it's usually both of us coming to an agreement.
"Do you like the center?" "Yes, but more to the top." "How about these?" "Perfect."

When it comes to choosing where to eat, it's also usually turns, but being careful to acknowledge tastes. Say it's my turn to choose, but she hates sushi. I won't pick sushi. "I'm in the mood for chicken. There's this new place down 4th. Let's try it." Or... "I picked last time. What are you in the mood for today? What are you craving?"

On approach... with men I was usually approached first. I've always had mostly male friends and it never occurs to me that they like me besides being buddies. I wouldn't approach them as anything other than friends because it wouldn't cross my mind until they made it ultra obvious, and then I'd be like Ooooooohhhhhhh I get it. Also, we split the checks, or take turns paying. With women I'm usually the one to start stuff, ask them out, begin the flirting, etc. I'll invite them on dates, I'll pay for the meal, I'll drive, open the door, carry their stuff and walk them to the door (unless I get to stay, I'll walk in after them, too). I like to spoil my woman. I also prefer sweet women, since I'm very stiff and it helps make me feel softer. Makes me nervous as hell, though.

I was married for ten years and I never got to pick the movie. Never got to pick my friends. I really didn't have room to recognize my own preferences. Now that I know what I like, I enjoy doing what I like, dammit! But... I also enjoy letting someone else enjoy what she likes. Ya know, equals. I don't want to do unto others what was done unto me.

It also makes me feel very good when a woman asks me for help in something. They know this at work. There's this girl at work that calls me to her desk every time she needs to open the hot sauce bottle, move her desk, or figure something out. I love it. She knows I love it, so I appreciate it. Lol! When the dudes are asked to help moving stuff around, they always include me, and I feel great.

[paulpablo]

Also just to add another thing which sort of relates Regina and Mamacita, I think the power dynamic in lesbian and homosexual situations is more interesting because it's less predictable.

I work with quite a few lesbians, one of them is a couple and it's taken me a hell of a long time to realize who's generally in control in that relationship.

I mean I think I could make an educated guess in a situation where one lesbian has a shaved head/ shoulders like Mike Tyson and the other looks like Portia De Rossi of who's going to be more in control, but in general it can be less predictable.

[J a c k]

Also just to add another thing which sort of relates Regina and Mamacita, I think the power dynamic in lesbian and homosexual situations is more interesting because it's less predictable.

I work with quite a few lesbians, one of them is a couple and it's taken me a hell of a long time to realize who's generally in control in that relationship.

I mean I think I could make an educated guess in a situation where one lesbian has a shaved head/ shoulders like Mike Tyson and the other looks like Portia De Rossi of who's going to be more in control, but in general it can be less predictable.

I met a girl recently in one of my random road trips. We exchanged numbers and added each other on fb. She's the short (almost shaved) hair type of girl, with plenty tatts, toned muscles whilst thin, and just a very boyish style. I thought, wth. Let's try it out. Something different can't hurt. Now, I can't help but look like a female. Even though I like to say I'm dude-ish, I like having hair and wearing lipstick.  You might have thought she was in more control, but nope. It was kind of tiresome, because I really wanted us to be equal, but she was very submissive. Damn, woman! Have an opinion!

Needless to say, we never became a thing, or anything close to that. When you've already met an incredible person, and that person is gone, it's hard to settle for less.

If you like being dominant and you get someone that likes being submissive, more power to you! I like being the one that takes care of the other. I don't know if that has a name, but that's what I like.

[Kernel Sohcahtoa]

In the past, if I suspected there was genuine interest on a fella's part, I would move things along by engaging in conversation; and perhaps do a bit of flirting.

"Oh, I love your shoes. Are those leather?" OR...
"Tell me everything you know about small engines. And start from the beginning."

You know, that sort of thang.

Nice post, Thena.  Your post reminds me of two female co-workers who behaved in a manner similar to what you posted: I assumed they were being nice and professional to me, and I never would've guessed that they were interested if it hadn't of been for another female co-worker/friend of mine pointing it out to me; she even set me up on a date with one of them.

Hence, regarding female flirtation, I'm quite the dullard.

[The Valkyrie]

When it comes to dating, a taser speeds things along...

[J a c k]

In the past, if I suspected there was genuine interest on a fella's part, I would move things along by engaging in conversation; and perhaps do a bit of flirting.

"Oh, I love your shoes. Are those leather?" OR...
"Tell me everything you know about small engines. And start from the beginning."

You know, that sort of thang.

Nice post, Thena.  Your post reminds me of two female co-workers who behaved in a manner similar to what you posted: I assumed they were being nice and professional to me, and I never would've guessed that they were interested if it hadn't of been for another female co-worker/friend of mine pointing it out to me; she even set me up on a date with one of them.

Hence, regarding female flirtation, I'm quite the dullard.

I'm like that with men. I don't get it. Even when they flirt I think it's just goofing around. They have to be super direct, or I won't understand. Like, "Ok, Ivy. Obviously you don't get it. I've been flirting with you. That's what it was. Flirting. I did that, because I like you. Not like a buddy, but like a girl." Then I'd still be confused, but suddenly open my eyes widely and say, "Ooooooooooh. Now it all makes sense."

Lol Well... not exactly like that, but to that effect.  

[Thumpalumpacus]

I'm talking about the dominance and submission in life that you pretty much can't opt out of in a relationship. 

I don't think this is entirely the case, if one is careful in partnering.

[Athene]

In the earliest stages of a dating relationship, it would admittedly raise an eyebrow if a man didn't at least offer to pay for the first few dates; due to social conditioning, no doubt. However, I'd be happy to pay, if I were the one that asked a gentlemen out in the first place. That's fair and reasonable. Otherwise, as long as a man makes the offer, I'd gladly chip in, and not think any less of him because of it. Because, I'm really, really not keen on anyone feeling as though I owe them anything.

My tastes aren't particularly extravagant, though. I think it's unreasonable to expect one person to foot the bill ALL of the time, especially when caviar tastes are involved. It's incredibly rude to make lavish plans on someone else's dime, and assume it's fine and dandy.

Once a steady commitment is established, both parties putting forth an effort to finance the things they receive mutual enjoyment from, is the obvious approach, IMO. Not necessarily 50/50. I should think that who, how much, and how often, would depend on each individual's financial situation and/or obligations at the moment.

[ErGingerbreadMandude]

I've been out with one woman who told me she liked it when her ex boyfriend ordered the food for her when they went out, ordered what she was going to eat.

Man ordering the food is the norm around here.

I can understand a woman wanting a man to choose where to go on a date or picking the seats when you're out watching a movie. Those things seem reasonable enough to display decision making and control that some women expect a man to have.

There's also the comfort of having to just lay back and let someone else they trust make decisions and take the responsibilities along with the consequences that come with it.

I think I like to have a fairly high degree of control in a relationship but I think a fair few women want to be controlled to levels that are just a bit higher than what I see as reasonable.

It's probably a cultural difference because the "unreasonable" you're describing is the "obvious" here.

Obviously everyone is different which is why I'm asking your opinions on this and what your levels of expectations are of a romantic partner in terms of dominance/submission.

I like dominant girls, the kind of girls that are generally described by other girls as a "kind of a bitch" behind their backs, the kind of girls that order others around. That's the kind of women I enjoy because it just 100x amplify the fun I have dominating them. I like the feeling of having the power of turning a girl generally described as a bitch into a wobbly jelly. I prefer not to date submissive women precisely because of how easy they are. That's just me though.