Hello, New atheist having a meltdown

[Dragonfly]

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

I was also 50 when my God-concept finally fell apart, and I became an atheist later that year after I read The God Delusion.  To tell you the truth, the end wasn't the hard part for me.  It was the prior seven years when I had become estranged from other people who held the same beliefs.  That was the difficult time for me.

Once I started reading books on atheism and posting at the Amazon atheist forum (which is now gone), the clouds cleared away.  After that, I never felt better.  Most of my fears and obsessions were left-overs from unreasonable religious ideas, which I quickly dropped.  It's like throwing away crutches which you really don't need anymore.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who only figured this out in midlife. I think it's going to be a long process to deprogram myself. I'm in a support group for those trying to leave fundamentalist religion, and it seems like most of them are atheists. I also go to a Skeptics group. I hope I can do without the crutches eventually. I think it's going to take a while. The God of Old Testament has always been capricious and petty. 

Hello, 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear. 

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

Firstly I'm sorry for your troubles, I never felt the kind of anguish about death that you described (maybe because I gave up religion when I was too young to go up against many Sicilians when death was on the line), so I can't tell you anything to help alleviate it, as I don't have a fear of death.

But I do have a general piece of advice; find something good that you like doing.  It doesn't have to be big, like finding a cure for cancer, but if you can find something that regularly leaves the world a bit better when you got to sleep at night than when you woke up that morning (or once a week or month or whatever you can spare), you'll have done a great thing.  And because you like doing it, you'll have the added bonus of feeling happy into the bargain.

Ok, I will do that. Thank you!

[Aliza]

Hello, 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear. 

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

Hey Dragonfly,

I'm also Jewish, and as I was reading your post, I wondered what denomination you converted into. Some Jewish denominations are more like cultural clubs than religions, and even more religious denominations are less about beliefs and more about actions. I'm sorry that you got hurt like this.

[Fireball]

Hi, Dragonfly! Consider your earlier life and development to be like the nymphal stages, where you finally emerged at the last molting as an adult dragonfly. I too felt quite a bit of angst when I realized I was an atheist, given the sort of opprobrium that they were given by the religious.

[Dragonfly]

Hello, 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear. 

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

Hey Dragonfly,

I'm also Jewish, and as I was reading your post, I wondered what denomination you converted into. Some Jewish denominations are more like cultural clubs than religions, and even more religious denominations are less about beliefs and more about actions. I'm sorry that you got hurt like this.

I converted Conservative but was leaning to Orthodox with some of my beliefs. I still believed in a literal 6-day creation. I guess a lot of my beliefs from fundamentalist Christianity were carried over, too. I now live across the country from my sponsoring rabbi. He knows I've been having problems of some kind, and I promised I would call him after the high holidays. Now I am dreading it. I don't want to disappoint him or want him to try to persuade me to hang onto Judaism. I feel like I should keep my word. I'm trying to feel out how to approach promises now that I don't believe in God, for one thing. Maybe I'll just give it a while before calling him. I'm in a pretty fragile state right now. 

Thanks for your support. 

Hi, Dragonfly! Consider your earlier life and development to be like the nymphal stages, where you finally emerged at the last molting as an adult  dragonfly. I too felt quite a bit of angst when I realized I was an atheist, given the sort of opprobrium that they were given by the religious.

I like that illustration! Opprobrium, indeed (and I had to look that one up--great word!).

[unfogged]

It can be scary to lose the crutch you've leaned on heavily and realize that you have to be responsible for your own life now.  Consider though that the crutch you lost was never really there so you've actually been doing it all yourself all along anyway.  The only change is that now you get to take credit for your accomplishments.  Life without god is freedom.

[DodosAreDead]

I'll probably say something similar to your boyfriend, since I've been an atheist since I was 7 or so... but I hope you feel better. There are plenty of people on this website who constantly joke around but actually seem to be decent folks who're willing to help others out. (I say 'seem to be' because I've not been here long myself) So I think you'll be fine. 

In any case, welcome to the forums. Hope you stick around.

[Fireball]

Hey Dragonfly,

I'm also Jewish, and as I was reading your post, I wondered what denomination you converted into. Some Jewish denominations are more like cultural clubs than religions, and even more religious denominations are less about beliefs and more about actions. I'm sorry that you got hurt like this.

I converted Conservative but was leaning to Orthodox with some of my beliefs. I still believed in a literal 6-day creation. I guess a lot of my beliefs from fundamentalist Christianity were carried over, too. I now live across the country from my sponsoring rabbi. He knows I've been having problems of some kind, and I promised I would call him after the high holidays. Now I am dreading it. I don't want to disappoint him or want him to try to persuade me to hang onto Judaism. I feel like I should keep my word. I'm trying to feel out how to approach promises now that I don't believe in God, for one thing. Maybe I'll just give it a while before calling him. I'm in a pretty fragile state right now. 

Thanks for your support. 

Hi, Dragonfly! Consider your earlier life and development to be like the nymphal stages, where you finally emerged at the last molting as an adult  dragonfly. I too felt quite a bit of angst when I realized I was an atheist, given the sort of opprobrium that they were given by the religious.

I like that illustration! Opprobrium, indeed (and I had to look that one up--great word!).

De nada! As far as talking to your rabbi is concerned, I'd like to think that he will respect where your heart and mind have led you. If not, well, not much of a rabbi, imo. Part of being an atheist is reasoning your position out without the aid of people telling you what you should or shouldn't believe or do. Scary as hell, sometimes, but the result is that you can rely on your decisions because they are yours. They will change as you develop and grow, but hey, that's just life. Don't keep yourself locked in a little box of what you think you should do, based on other people's opinions. It's easy for me to say those words, but I'll tell you straight up that at the age of 65, I still have trouble with this. You're not alone in this.

[robvalue]

I'm very sorry to hear what you've gone through. I haven't gone through this myself, but I totally appreciate how being taught all this stuff as a kid gives you something to lose in adult life.

My advice is give yourself time, and don't be hard on yourself. Your world has been turned upside down and it will take some time for things to settle again. You won't always feel the way you feel now.

Also, hold onto the fact that you've realized that the time we have in this life is unique and priceless. Some people go their whole life under the delusion of religion, treating this as nothing more than a very short warm-up for the real life. You have the chance to seize the day and make the very most out of the opportunity of life.

No one can take your memories away, and while you remember your loved ones, they are still here with us.

[Dragonfly]

It can be scary to lose the crutch you've leaned on heavily and realize that you have to be responsible for your own life now.  Consider though that the crutch you lost was never really there so you've actually been doing it all yourself all along anyway.  The only change is that now you get to take credit for your accomplishments.  Life without god is freedom.

I was so leaning heavily on that crutch that I feel like I haven't developed the ability to think yet or reason. It's like a muscle that has atrophied. I've got to build it up somehow. Wish there were a way to speed the process up. Is there?

I'll probably say something similar to your boyfriend, since I've been an atheist since I was 7 or so... but I hope you feel better. There are plenty of people on this website who constantly joke around but actually seem to be decent folks who're willing to help others out. (I say 'seem to be' because I've not been here long myself) So I think you'll be fine. 

In any case, welcome to the forums. Hope you stick around.

Thanks. Yes, every time I run across a person who can empathize, I feel really grateful. 

I'm very sorry to hear what you've gone through. I haven't gone through this myself, but I totally appreciate how being taught all this stuff as a kid gives you something to lose in adult life.

My advice is give yourself time, and don't be hard on yourself. Your world has been turned upside down and it will take some time for things to settle again. You won't always feel the way you feel now.

Also, hold onto the fact that you've realized that the time we have in this life is unique and priceless. Some people go their whole life under the delusion of religion, treating this as nothing more than a very short warm-up for the real life. You have the chance to seize the day and make the very most out of the opportunity of life.

No one can take your memories away, and while you remember your loved ones, they are still here with us.

A warm-up--that's exactly what I felt. I thought I was immortal. Thanks

[AFTT47]

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

Goodness, you certainly do sound you need to talk this out. I'm in the same category as your boyfriend so I can't intuit what you're going through but as you've already seen, there are others here who have gone through the deconversion thing. I hope you find what you need here.