Ways to Get Into Heaven! Or Whatever You Believe in!

[Jade-Green Stone]

Based off a post I made here: On the subject of Hell and Salvation

Post: 

The concept of Heaven and Hell has always been a slippery slope on purpose. It's so that they can claim by doing as they say, preacher man/women I mean, and you will in turn come to the pearly gates. Turns out, life in much more complicated than that. (No shit Jade!). But in all seriousness, here are just SOME of the rules I have heard in regards to getting to 'Heaven' and getting out of 'Hell'. (Not in any order.)

1. Repenting, basically degrading yourself form time to time in front of a preacher, who you may swear is getting a boner will you kneeling in front of him (Joke). And confessing your sins to him and before God/the alter with the cross on it, be them real or imaginary to you. (This seems to be the main way you get to heaven)
2. Money!!! (Insert over use meme here) By paying Televangelists or the church you go to, you are given repentance as you helped your church, which is good pot brownie point sin gods eyes, *Cough* I mean brownie points! Yeah that's what I meant! Or cookies, that's always good too! God don't judge your sweet preference! At least I hope not.
3. Bible study, by reading this book you could possibly kill your rival with if you hit them hard enough or stash your pot in, God sees it as you are studying his word. So more sweet points! (Though I have to say now, it's unsure how many points you need to get into Heaven, the game is a bit glitchy.)
4. Actually going to church, by just merely walking through the doors, and/or being blessed with that strange smelling, yellow oil and sitting for at leas ta few minuets, you seem to gain more points and the church will start to 'help save' your soul
5. Prayer Circle! On the off chance you lose points, don't fret, just got to your local church, confess again, and Pray Circle! By having ever sweaty, clammy, and very touchy hand on you *Eyes old guy next to me*, their 'goodness'  and 'faith' will spread to you and you will somehow achieve mega points! MORE POT BROWNIES/COOKIE YA'LL! We are on a roll here!
6. Becoming a preacher, yeah for some odd reason or another just by making yourself a religious leader, be that cult like or not, you automatically gain entry into heaven regardless of what you do in life. So long as you keep preaching the 'word' or whatever that may be. (Not sure why most people don't do this one more often, it's rather easy.)
7. Becoming any helper, with high standing, in the church gives you more points. Be that a Sunday school teacher, as you are helping the ignorant youth be saved in the off chance they get into a car accident or swallow too many marbles. Or even just being a frequent music singer for the church, lead everyone along in those very repeating sounding songs, that I swear are just the same tune with different lyrics. 
8. Just merely believing you are going to heaven and proclaiming it loudly enough seems to work, at least that's how most churches I go to are like. Regardless if they believe in preset destiny/ no free will or not.
and 9. (Maybe I should have stopped as the magic number si- *Couch* 7, oh well whatever) Baptism, nearly drowning in a water, be it at birth or later in life, somehow will wash away that bad juju smell and make you a clean a catfish before entering into the pearly gates. Just as long as you don't mind the cold water and possibly standing in church members pee from time to time

I could keep going on, but I've run out of sarcasm for the night, I can't sleep so I'm up at like 6 in the morning doing this when I have to be in work in four hours. Lovely isn't it!
As for how they can condemn people to hell, that one is easy, by doing so they keep having people coming back to be saved and get their pot brownies. Truth be told, in my opinion, getting to heaven can be as simple and as hard as a person makes it or how your church/religious group make sit for you. And we honestly won't know until we die, until your a Calvinist in which you think your fate is already set regardless of what you do! So that's good I guess!

Anyone want to add to the growing list, actually maybe I should making this a thread!

So yeah, anyone want to ad to my list of ways, this is for humor guys, seriously take a joke.

[Mr.Obvious]

Three threads

You dun goofed.

[Jade-Green Stone]

Three threads

You dun goofed.

I think so, my computer hasn't been in the best of state lately, neither has my internet. Eh, just get rid of two of them.

[Yonadav]

Here's a brief interaction that I had with a man outside of a store in Tennessee.

Man: Let me ask you something. What do you think is going to happen with you when you die?
Me: Hashem will ask me if I dealt with others with integrity.
Man: Where on earth did you hear that? And who is this Hashem?

Anyway, as far as I know, having integrity in all of their dealings is the most important thing for those who are concerned about their after death experience.

[LostLocke]

Anyway, as far as I know, having integrity in all of their dealings is the most important thing for those who are concerned about their after death experience.

The only concern I have about my after death experience is deciding where I want to be buried.
Or, maybe I want cremation.... hmm, decisions decisions.

[Drich]

Based off a post I made here: On the subject of Hell and Salvation

no wonder you hate God.. if this is what you think.

Post: 

The concept of Heaven and Hell has always been a slippery slope on purpose. It's so that they can claim by doing as they say, preacher man/women I mean, and you will in turn come to the pearly gates.

"preachers" can't save themselves. in fact many will have hell to pay for the things they have taught. as preacher and teacher are judged twice as harsh as anyone else. If we/they had all the answers all the time wouldn't they at least save themselves?

Turns out, life in much more complicated than that. (No shit Jade!). But in all seriousness, here are just SOME of the rules I have heard in regards to getting to 'Heaven' and getting out of 'Hell'. (Not in any order.)

actually it boils down to 3 things. a relationship with God/not a church or preacher but God himself/two way comms. A love for Him greater than anything else you can imagine (takes time but is possible) and to love and treat your fellow man the same way you would have God treat you. meaning as in the lords prayer.. God forgive me sin in the same way I forgive others. meaning if you want God t forgive you, you must forgive other people.

1. Repenting, basically degrading yourself form time to time in front of a preacher,

yeah, no.. that is not repenting.. yes that is what some expression of Christian call repenting but that is not the biblical/Christ lead example. Christ/The bible says to repent is to turn from sin. example: let's say you are gay.. now to repent is not to confess your sins to repent in a change of heart that says yes I am gay but instead of saying god is evil god is wrong, it is an acknoweledgement that you are not in the will of God and you need the atonment of Christ because you know this area of sin will not change anytime soon. That rather than try and live a perfect life you take the atonment Jesus offers from the cross to cover this sin.. that is what grace is.. God knows you are a sinner and will be till you die. so God gives you grace/time in exchange for atonement. You seek and receive atonement when you repent once you have that God gives you time to change, as well as the tools and people you need. For gay people he may give you the proper husband or wife that you will earnestly and honestly love forever, but first you must be willing to change for change to happen you must see a need to change you must identify sin. Not before a preacher or people but before God himself, and be willing to change as God provides oppertunity.

Not that you may not be completely free of finding the same sex appealing in this case, which is why we need to continually repent before God.

who you may swear is getting a boner will you kneeling in front of him (Joke). And confessing your sins to him and before God/the alter with the cross on it, be them real or imaginary to you. (This seems to be the main way you get to heaven)

ah, no. No you go to heaven because Christ judges you a follower who has sought out his atonement and received grace for your sin. a preacher is generally the easy way to do this if they themselves know their role, but not needed as God has been working one on one with s since the beginning.

2. Money!!! (Insert over use meme here) By paying Televangelists or the church you go to, you are given repentance as you helped your church, which is good pot brownie point sin gods eyes, *Cough* I mean brownie points! Yeah that's what I meant! Or cookies, that's always good too! God don't judge your sweet preference! At least I hope not.

give according to how you have been prospered. meaning at the end of the month you have no money you owe nothing. If you owe debt then they are paid first. if you have a family they take priority.. however if you have time and there is a bake sale then I'd at least go by publix to pick up some cookies.

3. Bible study, by reading this book you could possibly kill your rival with if you hit them hard enough or stash your pot in, God sees it as you are studying his word. So more sweet points! (Though I have to say now, it's unsure how many points you need to get into Heaven, the game is a bit glitchy.)

for some yes for other's it is singing for others still it is watching skits and plays for others it is putting on skits and plays. Reading the bible keeps you from having to think repentance is confessing to a priest. it keeps church tradition on a tight leash, and puts religious people in their place, however if none of that interests you then it is better you just follow the pack. As the bible says each of us is a different member of the body like I may be or act like hands in that I can fix and build things, and if that is how God blessed me then I must worship like a hand worships.. otherwise if I were to worship by sitting and listening to people talk while I could be building something then God's gift to me is lost. Like wise if your gift is singing then reading the bible while is important so you are not lead down the wrong path may not be worth your time to go in depth.

4. Actually going to church, by just merely walking through the doors, and/or being blessed with that strange smelling, yellow oil and sitting for at leas ta few minuets, you seem to gain more points and the church will start to 'help save' your soul

if you think God is a dumb ass c-word maybe. Otherwise know the bible says 'we' not the building not the entrapments not the artwork nor any of it, we as individuals are the church. anywhere where two or more are gathered to worship him He is there. meaning this is technicall church. where two or more come together to worship in this case to discuss God.

5. Prayer Circle! On the off chance you lose points, don't fret, just got to your local church, confess again, and Pray Circle! By having ever sweaty, clammy, and very touchy hand on you *Eyes old guy next to me*, their 'goodness'  and 'faith' will spread to you and you will somehow achieve mega points! MORE POT BROWNIES/COOKIE YA'LL! We are on a roll here!

no.. just religious stuff people do tofeel empowered. true power comes from the Holy Spirit. people who lack a direct relationship with God seek out heavy religious activities to fill the god gap. If you want to know God personally in this life open and read the bible so you know the being who appears is God and not something else. other wise if you are a singer or cookie maker who hates reading or lectures then a prayer circle is going to be your next best bet.

6. Becoming a preacher, yeah for some odd reason or another just by making yourself a religious leader, be that cult like or not, you automatically gain entry into heaven regardless of what you do in life. So long as you keep preaching the 'word' or whatever that may be. (Not sure why most people don't do this one more often, it's rather easy.)

So.. no. There are no automatic heaven cards. I know men like benny hinn and those wolves on tv who prey on poor afflicted stupid people need to believe that, but everyone EVERYONE will face Christ in judgement, which is another bible tidbit.

7. Becoming any helper, with high standing, in the church gives you more points. Be that a Sunday school teacher, as you are helping the ignorant youth be saved in the off chance they get into a car accident or swallow too many marbles. Or even just being a frequent music singer for the church, lead everyone along in those very repeating sounding songs, that I swear are just the same tune with different lyrics. 

where the Ff's are you comming up with this stuff.? nowhere in the bible does it say this. if we are compelled to serve it is because we do so to serve as a singer or teacher. I taught because I felt obligated as the peole who were doing it had such a hard time while teaching or speaking to a very large crowd is very easy for me to do. We as christians are in the business of finding and filling needs. I saw a need and did everything I could.

8. Just merely believing you are going to heaven and proclaiming it loudly enough seems to work, at least that's how most churches I go to are like. Regardless if they believe in preset destiny/ no free will or not.

Jesus said: mat 7:21 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. 22 Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many [a]miracles?’ 23 And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’

Look who he is telling to get away from me, look at the list of deeds they did.. these men would be considered apstoles by church standards today, could you imagine someone who could literally heal a broken or sick person? someone who could really cast out a demon? these men would be popes. yet christ says they are not even christian...

In truth "we" have very little say about who is and is not saved. I say there will be far more 'non christians' religiously speaking than christians in heaven!

and 9. (Maybe I should have stopped as the magic number si- *Couch* 7, oh well whatever) Baptism, nearly drowning in a water, be it at birth or later in life, somehow will wash away that bad juju smell and make you a clean a catfish before entering into the pearly gates. Just as long as you don't mind the cold water and possibly standing in church members pee from time to time

where were you baptized in a mud hole? we had a heated chlorinated stand up bath tub looking thing. Know baptism comes in many forms. the baptism of the holy Spirit is the one you need, Jesus had this baptism while in the waters of the jordan while others received the spirit in a muddy hole on the side of the road while other still had their elders pray and lay their hands on them. Baptism is more about you yeilding to God and accepting his rule and authority in some sort of public way.

I could keep going on, but I've run out of sarcasm for the night, I can't sleep so I'm up at like 6 in the morning doing this when I have to be in work in four hours. Lovely isn't it!
As for how they can condemn people to hell, that one is easy, by doing so they keep having people coming back to be saved and get their pot brownies. Truth be told, in my opinion, getting to heaven can be as simple and as hard as a person makes it or how your church/religious group make sit for you. And we honestly won't know until we die, until your a Calvinist in which you think your fate is already set regardless of what you do! So that's good I guess!

Anyone want to add to the growing list, actually maybe I should making this a thread!

So yeah, anyone want to ad to my list of ways, this is for humor guys, seriously take a joke.
[/quote]

and if "the church" asks you for nothing? no money no physical attendance only that you seek out God on his terms, on your own time?

Or you can try and make a thread of these as they are fun to shoot own with a little truth and reality.

[no one]

I'm hoping to slip in through the back door.

[brewer]

If that's what my parents really wanted (me getting in) they should have had me whacked immediately after the baptism.

[Jade-Green Stone]

Based off a post I made here: On the subject of Hell and Salvation

no wonder you hate God.. if this is what you think.

Post: 

The concept of Heaven and Hell has always been a slippery slope on purpose. It's so that they can claim by doing as they say, preacher man/women I mean, and you will in turn come to the pearly gates.

"preachers" can't save themselves. in fact many will have hell to pay for the things they have taught. as preacher and teacher are judged twice as harsh as anyone else. If we/they had all the answers all the time wouldn't they at least save themselves?

Turns out, life in much more complicated than that. (No shit Jade!). But in all seriousness, here are just SOME of the rules I have heard in regards to getting to 'Heaven' and getting out of 'Hell'. (Not in any order.)

actually it boils down to 3 things. a relationship with God/not a church or preacher but God himself/two way comms. A love for Him greater than anything else you can imagine (takes time but is possible) and to love and treat your fellow man the same way you would have God treat you. meaning as in the lords prayer.. God forgive me sin in the same way I forgive others. meaning if you want God t forgive you, you must forgive other people.

1. Repenting, basically degrading yourself form time to time in front of a preacher,

yeah, no.. that is not repenting.. yes that is what some expression of Christian call repenting but that is not the biblical/Christ lead example. Christ/The bible says to repent is to turn from sin. example: let's say you are gay.. now to repent is not to confess your sins to repent in a change of heart that says yes I am gay but instead of saying god is evil god is wrong, it is an acknoweledgement that you are not in the will of God and you need the atonment of Christ because you know this area of sin will not change anytime soon. That rather than try and live a perfect life you take the atonment Jesus offers from the cross to cover this sin.. that is what grace is.. God knows you are a sinner and will be till you die. so God gives you grace/time in exchange for atonement. You seek and receive atonement when you repent once you have that God gives you time to change, as well as the tools and people you need. For gay people he may give you the proper husband or wife that you will earnestly and honestly love forever, but first you must be willing to change for change to happen you must see a need to change you must identify sin. Not before a preacher or people but before God himself, and be willing to change as God provides oppertunity.

Not that you may not be completely free of finding the same sex appealing in this case, which is why we need to continually repent before God.

who you may swear is getting a boner will you kneeling in front of him (Joke). And confessing your sins to him and before God/the alter with the cross on it, be them real or imaginary to you. (This seems to be the main way you get to heaven)

ah, no. No you go to heaven because Christ judges you a follower who has sought out his atonement and received grace for your sin. a preacher is generally the easy way to do this if they themselves know their role, but not needed as God has been working one on one with s since the beginning.

2. Money!!! (Insert over use meme here) By paying Televangelists or the church you go to, you are given repentance as you helped your church, which is good pot brownie point sin gods eyes, *Cough* I mean brownie points! Yeah that's what I meant! Or cookies, that's always good too! God don't judge your sweet preference! At least I hope not.

give according to how you have been prospered. meaning at the end of the month you have no money you owe nothing. If you owe debt then they are paid first. if you have a family they take priority.. however if you have time and there is a bake sale then I'd at least go by publix to pick up some cookies.

3. Bible study, by reading this book you could possibly kill your rival with if you hit them hard enough or stash your pot in, God sees it as you are studying his word. So more sweet points! (Though I have to say now, it's unsure how many points you need to get into Heaven, the game is a bit glitchy.)

for some yes for other's it is singing for others still it is watching skits and plays for others it is putting on skits and plays. Reading the bible keeps you from having to think repentance is confessing to a priest. it keeps church tradition on a tight leash, and puts religious people in their place, however if none of that interests you then it is better you just follow the pack. As the bible says each of us is a different member of the body like I may be or act like hands in that I can fix and build things, and if that is how God blessed me then I must worship like a hand worships.. otherwise if I were to worship by sitting and listening to people talk while I could be building something then God's gift to me is lost. Like wise if your gift is singing then reading the bible while is important so you are not lead down the wrong path may not be worth your time to go in depth.

4. Actually going to church, by just merely walking through the doors, and/or being blessed with that strange smelling, yellow oil and sitting for at leas ta few minuets, you seem to gain more points and the church will start to 'help save' your soul

if you think God is a dumb ass c-word maybe. Otherwise know the bible says 'we' not the building not the entrapments not the artwork nor any of it, we as individuals are the church. anywhere where two or more are gathered to worship him He is there. meaning this is technicall church. where two or more come together to worship in this case to discuss God.

5. Prayer Circle! On the off chance you lose points, don't fret, just got to your local church, confess again, and Pray Circle! By having ever sweaty, clammy, and very touchy hand on you *Eyes old guy next to me*, their 'goodness'  and 'faith' will spread to you and you will somehow achieve mega points! MORE POT BROWNIES/COOKIE YA'LL! We are on a roll here!

no.. just religious stuff people do tofeel empowered. true power comes from the Holy Spirit. people who lack a direct relationship with God seek out heavy religious activities to fill the god gap. If you want to know God personally in this life open and read the bible so you know the being who appears is God and not something else. other wise if you are a singer or cookie maker who hates reading or lectures then a prayer circle is going to be your next best bet.

6. Becoming a preacher, yeah for some odd reason or another just by making yourself a religious leader, be that cult like or not, you automatically gain entry into heaven regardless of what you do in life. So long as you keep preaching the 'word' or whatever that may be. (Not sure why most people don't do this one more often, it's rather easy.)

So.. no. There are no automatic heaven cards. I know men like benny hinn and those wolves on tv who prey on poor afflicted stupid people need to believe that, but everyone EVERYONE will face Christ in judgement, which is another bible tidbit.

7. Becoming any helper, with high standing, in the church gives you more points. Be that a Sunday school teacher, as you are helping the ignorant youth be saved in the off chance they get into a car accident or swallow too many marbles. Or even just being a frequent music singer for the church, lead everyone along in those very repeating sounding songs, that I swear are just the same tune with different lyrics. 

where the Ff's are you comming up with this stuff.? nowhere in the bible does it say this. if we are compelled to serve it is because we do so to serve as a singer or teacher. I taught because I felt obligated as the peole who were doing it had such a hard time while teaching or speaking to a very large crowd is very easy for me to do. We as christians are in the business of finding and filling needs. I saw a need and did everything I could.

8. Just merely believing you are going to heaven and proclaiming it loudly enough seems to work, at least that's how most churches I go to are like. Regardless if they believe in preset destiny/ no free will or not.

 Jesus said: mat 7:21 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. 22 Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many [a]miracles?’ 23 And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’

Look who he is telling to get away from me, look at the list of deeds they did.. these men would be considered apstoles by church standards today, could you imagine someone who could literally heal a broken or sick person? someone who could really cast out a demon? these men would be popes. yet christ says they are not even christian...

In truth "we" have very little say about who is and is not saved. I say there will be far more 'non christians' religiously speaking than christians in heaven!

and 9. (Maybe I should have stopped as the magic number si- *Couch* 7, oh well whatever) Baptism, nearly drowning in a water, be it at birth or later in life, somehow will wash away that bad juju smell and make you a clean a catfish before entering into the pearly gates. Just as long as you don't mind the cold water and possibly standing in church members pee from time to time

where were you baptized in a mud hole? we had a heated chlorinated stand up bath tub looking thing. Know baptism comes in many forms. the baptism of the holy Spirit is the one you need, Jesus had this baptism while in the waters of the jordan while others received the spirit in a muddy hole on the side of the road while other still had their elders pray and lay their hands on them. Baptism is more about you yeilding to God and accepting his rule and authority in some sort of public way.

I could keep going on, but I've run out of sarcasm for the night, I can't sleep so I'm up at like 6 in the morning doing this when I have to be in work in four hours. Lovely isn't it!
As for how they can condemn people to hell, that one is easy, by doing so they keep having people coming back to be saved and get their pot brownies. Truth be told, in my opinion, getting to heaven can be as simple and as hard as a person makes it or how your church/religious group make sit for you. And we honestly won't know until we die, until your a Calvinist in which you think your fate is already set regardless of what you do! So that's good I guess!

Anyone want to add to the growing list, actually maybe I should making this a thread!

So yeah, anyone want to ad to my list of ways, this is for humor guys, seriously take a joke.

and if "the church" asks you for nothing? no money no physical attendance only that you seek out God on his terms, on your own time?

Or you can try and make a thread of these as they are fun to shoot own with a little truth and reality.
[/quote]

Damn, someone is salty enough they can't take some jokes about religions. 
Oh yes I loath God, I want nothing more than to spend my days just fucking him over one. Like I don't have another life outside of this forum.   

Maybe you're the one who needs a hobby my friend. That or some sense of humor.
Seriously though, I know most of what I said can be 'debunked' by relious people. But I want to crack form humor open, and I'd say I did pretty good, if you're really so offended by it then you're the problem. Regardless, thanks for the reply!

[Drich]

Damn, someone is salty enough they can't take some jokes about religions. 

double wow, in the same post I also found someone salty enough they can stand being criticized for their 3rd grade sunday school understanding of God the church and religion.
I mean seriously if your intention was to joke then wouldn't you want to make the appropriate religious 'jokes'?!?! or do you routinely and intentionally mix up stereotypes? and straw man your way through a lame routine? IE do you make watermelon and fried chicken jokes about asian people?

Oh yes I loath God, I want nothing more than to spend my days just fucking him over one. Like I don't have another life outside of this forum.   

what in your mind does spreading misinformation about church salvation and christianity in general do? If not F not only god over but all of his followers and taint the well against them? What you did was take a hot steaming dump on over 1/2 the people on this planet's deeply held beliefs and demand we laugh at how badly you understand what we believe. If you are going to mock asians have sense enough to make a rice joke in turn if your going to mock christians make jokes based on Christianity rather than judaism or islam or paganism. which all three were represented in one way or another in your criticism.

Maybe you're the one who needs a hobby my friend. That or some sense of humor.

my hobby is breaking down an atheist's ironic 'religious beliefs.' and feeding it back to them making them look 'less smart' than they think they are, proving they can't take the same joke they were making about others and doing it in such a way as to be funny for those who believe as I do.
That's not as easy as it sounds because I don't make the anti atheism list, I have to be knowledgeable enough to know your position mine and how to make light of your gap in knowledge without breaking your spirit if you were indeed serious in wanting a reconciliation between what you understand and what the bible says.

Seriously though, I know most of what I said can be 'debunked' by religious people. But I want to crack form humor open, and I'd say I did pretty good, if you're really so offended by it then you're the problem. Regardless, thanks for the reply!

Your the one who can't take criticism, while I on the other hand have now two different time took everything you said line by line digested it and gave a specific response to every single point you made. you on the other hand took an hours work and summed everything up by saying you can't take a joke. and that you knew a religious person could fix what you said... That disconnect from deep cutting criticism in your specific lack of understanding show you to be the one who can not take a critical introspective look at yourself and what you not understand.