Fighting Depression and Suicidal Thoughts

[bennyboy]

I'm kind of in a similar place. It feels like I had a personal relationship with the Universe, that I was serving that relationship in good faith, and the Universe turned its back on me. Sometimes, even birds singing or flowers in the field seem to be telling me that I don't belong. Or my wife will give me a birthday present and look me in the eyes, and I'm just thinking how lonely I feel; I have to sit there and blow out candles, and listen to my co-workers clap for me and pretend to give a shit because I pay their salaries, and I know that if I ever actually needed anything from any them, they'd beg off with some excuse.

Key for me is one point-- I think depression isn't sadness. It's a recognition of unrecoverable dysfunction in the narrative of life, and a feeling of missing power over my own outcome: why get out of bed in the morning if nothing I do will change anything? But nothing is stopping me from walking out the door and buying a ticket to the Bahamas. I DO still have some control over my outcome, and that matters. I could do charity work, or go to Thailand and do strange sex stuff, or train to bench 300 lbs. Nothing else in life can really stop me from doing those things if I choose to.

Here's what I currently do when I'm sitting in the bathtub and my razor catches my eye, or I wonder how long it would take to black out if I put my head underwater and breathed in. I go for a walk. A long, hard walk-- like 6 hours, far past the point at which I can feel my feet; I talk to myself, fantasize about all the crazy and irresponsible things I can do if I just don't give a shit about living any more-- try motorbike parachuting, maybe, or blindfold myself and run across 4 lanes of traffic just to see how people react. Usually, that makes me laugh a little. Eventually, I'm physically and mentally exhausted, and I just start thinking-- "Man. . . some wife-made soup and a soft warm bed would feel really good right now! I can focus on my hatred for life tomorrow." That helps a lot.

[DeistPaladin]

But nothing is stopping me from walking out the door and buying a ticket to the Bahamas. I DO still have some control over my outcome, and that matters. I could do charity work, or go to Thailand and do strange sex stuff, or train to bench 300 lbs. Nothing else in life can really stop me from doing those things if I choose to.

Quite true. Death is so boring and prematurely running to it would only cut off future possibilities. Who knows what life has in store for me in the days to come or in the lives that I will touch? There's only one way to find out and that's to refuse to run up the white flag.

[Angrboda]

Sorry to hear you're struggling with this. I lived most of my life with depression and a desire to be dead. Only in the last few years has the desire to be dead lifted, due to a release from psychotic delusions, and in the past six months or so, my depression has been significantly better. I know the feeling of hopelessness that comes from constantly being depressed, and hope you have a brighter future as well. I just wanted to express my sympathy here, though I may add suggestions later. Some of the big things you can do for yourself are the most simple, but if you're depressed, they can still be hard. Good sleep, plenty of exercise, structure, activity are all effective in helping deal with and improve depression. If I were to single one out, exercise would be it. It's hard when you lack motivation, but if you can push yourself, it can make a difference.

[arewethereyet]

I second what tack said...talk.

Even if it's on here...get it out and help it all stop just spinning around in your head. Depression can get your brain caught in a loop that keeps you from getting anywhere.

If there is something you still really enjoy...do that to stop the broken record that's playing. I used to listen to comedy CDs on my commute so that the endless miserable thoughts would be broken up...even a little relief helps. If there is a kind of music or a silly movie that sucks you in...keep it handy. Refocus your mind when you feel yourself getting caught up in constantly negative thoughts.

Of course, there are meds that can help though they take time. And it's okay to sometimes not be okay.

[bennyboy]

But nothing is stopping me from walking out the door and buying a ticket to the Bahamas. I DO still have some control over my outcome, and that matters. I could do charity work, or go to Thailand and do strange sex stuff, or train to bench 300 lbs. Nothing else in life can really stop me from doing those things if I choose to.

Quite true. Death is so boring and prematurely running to it would only cut off future possibilities. Who knows what life has in store for me in the days to come or in the lives that I will touch? There's only one way to find out and that's to refuse to run up the white flag.

You and I are going to end up talking a lot about this, I think.  I'm glad to make a friend who can share my view on this.

---

Sorry to hear you're struggling with this.  I lived most of my life with depression and a desire to be dead.  Only in the last few years has the desire to be dead lifted, due to a release from psychotic delusions, and in the past six months or so, my depression has been significantly better.  I know the feeling of hopelessness that comes from constantly being depressed, and hope you have a brighter future as well.  I just wanted to express my sympathy here, though I may add suggestions later.  Some of the big things you can do for yourself are the most simple, but if you're depressed, they can still be hard.  Good sleep, plenty of exercise, structure, activity are all effective in helping deal with and improve depression.  If I were to single one out, exercise would be it.  It's hard when you lack motivation, but if you can push yourself, it can make a difference.

Yes, I've noticed that if I exercise a lot, it's much less likely that I'm going to have any negative feelings-- well, sore feet maybe, or the occasional twisted ankle.  But inactivity is a very good way to make yourself feel like you're out in the cold looking in through the window of people of action, and to feel really isolated.

[purplepurpose]

Find yourself a Mistress lover. You earn to punished for being an emo boi.

[The Grand Nudger]

Or, you know, set up a badass garden.

[Little lunch]

I agree with most of the advice here and would like to add that sleep is important.
My depression starts to reappear when my sleep patterns become irregular.
I know that's easier said than done.

[outtathereligioncloset]

1. Depression lies.
2. Please don't see bankruptcy as being a failure. It is there for a reason. Give yourself a fresh start.
3. Being a caregiver for another human adult is a crushing responsibility. Seek resources. Accept all reasonable help.
4. Never quit on your worst day. Promise yourself that.
5. Know that you are not alone.

Please check out this blog.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/20...ssion.html
There is a "part two" to that as well.

Root around that site and read some of the funny stuff too. Like the one about cake. Laughter truly does change us chemically. Seek the funny. It's still there.

And please remember we're here for you.

[purplepurpose]

Let Jesus in your heart. Otherwise that Divine Boi will punish you.