[Serious] Relationships: Finding your perfect match and then losing them.

[AFTT47]

I believe the concept of a "perfect mate" is as fictional as Alice in Wonderland. Given the population of the world and even individual countries, there are likely tens of thousands of individuals out there (at least) who fit the criteria of "perfect mate" for most people. It's just a matter of finding one of them.

But human beings are not swans. We're much more complicated. Will a "perfect mate" remain a "perfect mate" forever? Extremely unlikely. Both partners will change and evolve as they age. Will they change and evolve in perfect sync? Extremely unlikely.

I strongly believe that the fairy tale concept of the "perfect mate" is responsible for a great deal of unhappiness and misery. It is completely out of whack with reality. People need to take responsibility for their own happiness. Other people can certainly play a huge roll in one's happiness but one should never depend on that. You can only control what is in your own head. You have no control over the thoughts or actions of another. You need to to be okay independent of what anyone else thinks or does.

Hopefully, part of human evolution will be moving beyond the ridiculously unrealistic expectation of finding the "perfect mate" who's thoughts and desires are perfectly in sync with your's - forever and ever.

[ignoramus]

I believe my wife is the perfect partner.
She hasn't tried to kill me in my sleep in 35 years

[Abaddon_ire]

Seems to me that this thread is slowly heading towards the obvious conclusion that not one among us is without flaw.

Personally, I kinda like the flaws in a partner. They are endearing.

[Silver]

The crazy ones are better in the sack.

[Porcupine]

I'm someone who believes that there good be thousands of "perfect" matches out there for me. I'm very lucky to be with one of them right now. But if I were to ever lose him, for whatever reason, I don't think I'd lose hope - I know there must be more awesome people out there. Obviously, I'd be devastated - I love my partner like crazy. It's perfectly normal to mourn someone you've lost. Feel the grief, experience it. Examine it. Work your way through it in whatever way works best for you. On the other side of it, when you're ready, you can start meeting new people. You never know - someone may surprise you.

I also know that there are thousands of other perfect people out there for me. But there are 7 billion people on this planet and I just think such people are so incredibly rare to find that finding one of them is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Don't get me wrong, there are other relationships out there that might leave me better off than being single. Perhaps. But I am starting to doubt that too.

The problem is that it seems to me that I would always be settling for second best because although it may be true that there are plenty of fish in the sea the truth is that each of us only get to be with all the fish in a single pond and the likelihood that I haven't found the best fish in that pond is very small. I could settle for other fish in the pond that are still good for me ... but I'll never find another one like the #1 fish that I already found.

Let's put it this way ... in life we often have multiple relationships and at some point we find the best relationship in our life. That best relationship could be your first relationship or your last relationship or it could be somewhere in the middle. In my case I believe it's the person I've just been with and it's somewhere in the middle. The chances that future relationships will be good for me are good. The chances that I'll ever find someone that good for me are basically nonexistent, it seems to me. So the question is, now what?

And the problem is. Once I recognize this then future relationships may be "fun" but they will always be settling for second best. And so, they will be shallow to me. So, they will be good for me, maybe, but will they even be any better than being single? I can be happy being single and I'm not sure that settling for a second best relationship is any better than being single.

I don't think there's literally one person in life that is 'meant for us' who we are 'meant to be with'. But I do understand why so many people feel that way because while it isn't literally true I do think it's effectively true. At least to us monogamous romantics.

[Abaddon_ire]

The crazy ones are better in the sack.

That is such a caricature, and a blatant stereotype.

But it is weirdly true.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

I never wanted to marry a woman with kids but when I met my wife she was "31 with two kids, one 6, one 8" That was the first thing she said to me. We've been together almost 10 years. We bought a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue to celebrate.

I was thirty-five when I met Sharon, my first wife. She had two boys, about the same age as your instant kids. (But you left out what she said to you?) I explained my family background to her and she observed me closely with the boys before agreeing to marriage. It was a good few years.

---

The crazy ones are better in the sack.

Many "teaching moments."

[possibletarian]

If you find the perfect match for you romantic relationship-wise but then you lose them ... then what?

I would agree with some of the comments on here. While someone may seem a perfect match clearly if the relationship broke up then something was miss-matched. It could be circumstances or a whole host of things.

Good relationships at some point take hard work, hard choices and constant maintenance, maybe an area to look at.

Most of all, never forget to tell them how you feel about them everyday.

---

Seems to me that this thread is slowly heading towards the obvious conclusion that not one among us is without flaw.

Personally, I kinda like the flaws in a partner. They are endearing.

Exactly, when the persons flaws are what you grow to love about them is incredible.

[Porcupine]

Most of all, never forget to tell them how you feel about them everyday.

For me, I'm more likely to tell them too often.

[Gnomey]

I'm someone who believes that there good be thousands of "perfect" matches out there for me. I'm very lucky to be with one of them right now. But if I were to ever lose him, for whatever reason, I don't think I'd lose hope - I know there must be more awesome people out there. Obviously, I'd be devastated - I love my partner like crazy. It's perfectly normal to mourn someone you've lost. Feel the grief, experience it. Examine it. Work your way through it in whatever way works best for you. On the other side of it, when you're ready, you can start meeting new people. You never know - someone may surprise you.

I also know that there are thousands of other perfect people out there for me. But there are 7 billion people on this planet and I just think such people are so incredibly rare to find that finding one of them is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Don't get me wrong, there are other relationships out there that might leave me better off than being single. Perhaps. But I am starting to doubt that too.

The problem is that it seems to me that I would always be settling for second best because although it may be true that there are plenty of fish in the sea the truth is that each of us only get to be with all the fish in a single pond and the likelihood that I haven't found the best fish in that pond is very small. I could settle for other fish in the pond that are still good for me ... but I'll never find another one like the #1 fish that I already found.

Let's put it this way ... in life we often have multiple relationships and at some point we find the best relationship in our life. That best relationship could be your first relationship or your last relationship or it could be somewhere in the middle. In my case I believe it's the person I've just been with and it's somewhere in the middle. The chances that future relationships will be good for me are good. The chances that I'll ever find someone that good for me are basically nonexistent, it seems to me. So the question is, now what?

And the problem is. Once I recognize this then future relationships may be "fun" but they will always be settling for second best. And so, they will be shallow to me. So, they will be good for me, maybe, but will they even be any better than being single? I can be happy being single and I'm not sure that settling for a second best relationship is any better than being single.

I don't think there's literally one person in life that is 'meant for us' who we are 'meant to be with'. But I do understand why so many people feel that way because while it isn't literally true I do think it's effectively true. At least to us monogamous romantics.

Something else to consider that's already been mentioned on this thread:

There may only be so many fish in your pond, but those fish change over time, in the same way you change over time. If I had met my fish five years ago, we would NOT have worked, and I'd have assumed that fish would never be for me.

Another thing: relationships are about two people. So, while they may have been perfect for you, you may not have been perfect for them (though I'm sure you're perfect for someone!!). If you weren't perfect for them, they're definitely not perfect for you.

There are also ways of exploring new ponds, or expanding the one you're in! The internet is a wonderful thing, my friend. You might also want to try to adjust the way you look at relationships. It's tempting to rate the people you've been with on the "perfect for me or not" scale. But instead, if you just see them as different, you might find a new perspective. Comparing people to each other may not be the way to go.