Our server costs ~$56 per month to run. Please consider donating or becoming a Patron to help keep the site running. Help us gain new members by following us on Twitter and liking our page on Facebook!
Current time: March 28, 2024, 8:00 am

Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
#1
Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
For a moment, I thought it was calling someone a dumbass but I think it is calling a certain ass “dumb”.


2 Peter 2:15 KING JAMES VERSION
Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray, following the way of Balaam [the son] of Bosor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness; {2:16} But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb ass speaking with man’s voice forbad the madness of the prophet.
Reply
#2
RE: Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
(October 22, 2021 at 11:39 pm)Ferrocyanide Wrote: For a moment, I thought it was calling someone a dumbass but I think it is calling a certain ass “dumb”.


2 Peter 2:15 KING JAMES VERSION
Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray, following the way of Balaam [the son] of Bosor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness; {2:16} But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb ass speaking with man’s voice forbad the madness of the prophet.

 I've always like this for pertinence;  Genesis 27:11 "My brother Esau is a hairy man while I am a smooth skin-----"  (KJV) 

And there's that good ole boy Adam. Being a fucking wimp, when questioned by YHWH, he whines (again) ( Genesis 3:12)  " And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat." Blaming the woman, the second of many, many, many times. Never have liked Adam. Progenitor of the human race? Fuuuuuuck.

Second time? Well depends on whether one believes Jewish apocrypha ; Apparently, Adam's first wife's name was the red headed Lilith. A gutsy broad, when Adam tried to order her about, she told him to get stuffed. So naturally, Adam went whining to YHWH.  Consequently, YHWH smote Lilith and turned her into a demon. According to Jewish folk lore, that's why Jews still considers red headed women unlucky.

"Lilith (/ˈlɪlɪθ/Hebrewלִילִית‎, romanizedLīlīṯ) is a demonic figure in Judaic mythology, supposedly the primordial she-demon and alternatively first wife of Adam.[1] She is presumed to be mentioned in Biblical Hebrew in the Book of Isaiah,[2] and later in Late Antiquity in Mandaean Gnosticism mythology and Jewish mythology sources from 500 CE onwards. Lilith appears in historiolas (incantations incorporating a short mythic story) in various concepts and localities[3] that give partial descriptions of her. She is mentioned in the Babylonian Talmud (Eruvin 100b, Niddah 24b, Shabbat 151b, Baba Bathra 73a), in the Book of Adam and Eve as Adam's first wife, and in the Zohar Leviticus 19a as "a hot fiery female who first cohabited with man".[4]"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilith


I saw the apocryphal book about 40 years go. From memory, I think it was called "The Book of Adam And Eve" or some such.
Reply
#3
RE: Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
(October 23, 2021 at 12:16 am)Oldandeasilyconfused Wrote:  I've always like this for pertinence;  Genesis 27:11 "My brother Esau is a hairy man while I am a smooth skin-----"  (KJV)
It’s a pretty stupid story.

The actual text is
Genesis 27:11 KING JAMES VERSION
And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man: {27:12} My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.

The Bible has a lot of useless lines such as
Genesis 27:2 KING JAMES VERSION
And he (Isaac) said, Behold now, I am old, I know not the day of my death:

^^^^^No kidding. He is old and he does not know when he is going to die.

So, Isaac wants to bless he son (Esau), as if that actually does something.
Isaac asks Esau to go hunting. Cook something that Isaac likes.
Rebekah, the wife of Isaac, hears this and tells Jacob her plan. Jacob is going to get some goats. Rebekah will cook it. Jacob will take the food to Isaac and Isaac is suppose to be fooled and bless Esau.
Rebekah also covers Jacob with the goat skins so that Jacob seems to be a hairy man, just like Esau.

Jacob takes the food to Isaac. A conversation takes place between them. For some reason, Isaac does not recognize that this guy is not Esau.
Isaac asks to feel Jacob. He feels hairy and thinks that it is indeed Esau.
Isaac blesses Jacob.
A few moments later, Esau arrives.
Isaac says something like too late, I already bless the other guy, whoever he was.
Esau cries and decides he wants to kill Jacob.
Rebekah tells Jacob to leave for a while until Esau forgets this whole thing.
Later on, the jewish god appears in a dream of Jacob and promises to support him. (What kind of a god is this? He supports liars and thieves.)


Here is a funny animated version of the story
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-iB28Y-cKo
Reply
#4
RE: Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
Yeah, honest seekers of God should probably start from scratch and ditch the books where God talks from his ass or the other book where someone flies on the ass to talk to God.
teachings of the Bible are so muddled and self-contradictory that it was possible for Christians to happily burn heretics alive for five long centuries. It was even possible for the most venerated patriarchs of the Church, like St. Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas, to conclude that heretics should be tortured (Augustine) or killed outright (Aquinas). Martin Luther and John Calvin advocated the wholesale murder of heretics, apostates, Jews, and witches. - Sam Harris, "Letter To A Christian Nation"
Reply
#5
RE: Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
(October 25, 2021 at 7:47 am)Fake Messiah Wrote: Yeah, honest seekers of God should probably start from scratch and ditch the books where God talks from his ass or the other book where someone flies on the ass to talk to God.

When one does that, however, they elevate themselves above the Bible, deciding what is and is not authentic.
Reply
#6
RE: Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
(October 25, 2021 at 10:11 am)Jehanne Wrote:
(October 25, 2021 at 7:47 am)Fake Messiah Wrote: Yeah, honest seekers of God should probably start from scratch and ditch the books where God talks from his ass or the other book where someone flies on the ass to talk to God.

When one does that, however, they elevate themselves above the Bible, deciding what is and is not authentic.

Don't people who adhere to the Bible also do that?
Reply
#7
RE: Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
(October 25, 2021 at 10:14 am)vulcanlogician Wrote:
(October 25, 2021 at 10:11 am)Jehanne Wrote: When one does that, however, they elevate themselves above the Bible, deciding what is and is not authentic.

Don't people who adhere to the Bible also do that?

Most conservative Christians would say that the Bible, in its entirety, is authentically, if not infallibly, inspired.  They would claim that any differences between Christians is over interpretation, not the so-called original "Word of God".  Saying, however, that some portions of the Bible are only literary, or even contain factual errors, is to place oneself over God in deciding Truth.

(I used to think this way long, long ago.  Barf.)
Reply
#8
RE: Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
The babble is full of the big dumbs.
Reply
#9
RE: Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
Malachi 2:3, "Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung upon your faces."

I actually had a theist apologist argue that that was the KVJ and not the NIV version, which used the word "refuse" and not "dung".

Ok, fine, trash or shit, is it ok to punish "god's children" with trash or shit?
Reply
#10
RE: Dumbass - Funny stuff from the Bible
(October 25, 2021 at 2:22 pm)Brian37 Wrote: Malachi 2:3, "Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung upon your faces."

I actually had a theist apologist argue that that was the KVJ and not the NIV version, which used the word "refuse" and not "dung".

Ok, fine, trash or shit, is it ok to punish "god's children" with trash or shit?

In that verse, God is the one speaking. Given what else he did to his children, a face full of poo seems comparatively mild. Check with your local Amalekites. Oh wait - you can’t.

Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
Reply



Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Funny video - Saturday Night Live - teen thanks god during thanksgiving Ferrocyanide 4 761 November 7, 2021 at 5:09 pm
Last Post: Oldandeasilyconfused
  Can fundamentalists be funny? Fake Messiah 15 1605 August 26, 2020 at 2:22 pm
Last Post: Anomalocaris
  Why does the Pope wear such funny clothing? GODZILLA 22 3184 June 27, 2018 at 2:24 am
Last Post: The Valkyrie
  Satanic Bible vs Christian Bible ƵenKlassen 31 7447 November 27, 2017 at 10:38 am
Last Post: drfuzzy
  Too Funny! Minimalist 14 2438 November 23, 2017 at 6:59 am
Last Post: ignoramus
  Isn't it funny... pabsta 189 55315 August 21, 2017 at 12:11 am
Last Post: Astonished
  Funny Highlights from Ken Ham vs Bill Nye Salty Science 7 2242 January 27, 2017 at 9:20 am
Last Post: brewer
  The type of religious stuff my mother posts on FB. Foxaèr 3 1124 May 18, 2016 at 2:32 am
Last Post: robvalue
  Almost Too Funny For Words Minimalist 9 2881 November 4, 2015 at 2:38 pm
Last Post: ErGingerbreadMandude
  Wouldn't it be funny... rexbeccarox 10 3421 June 16, 2014 at 5:41 am
Last Post: Tonus



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)