There was a doctor who every day at exactly 3 o’clock walked the 5 minutes from his office to the pub and ordered a hazelnut daiquiri. This he did faithfully every day four 4 years. The bartender could count on him to arrive at precisely 5 after 3 and order a hazelnut daiquiri. But one day to his horror the bartender discovered that he didn’t have any hazelnut. So he hickory, hoping against hope that the doctor would not know the difference. But as soon as the doctor took a sip he spewed it out in disgust.
Doctor: This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri?
Bartender: No, that’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.

Thanks B

Two Irishmen are checking the notice board at their local hiring hall. One of them is reading the notices aloud.

'I don't think there's anything here for us, Sean,' he says. 'This one says they need plumbers, and we can't plumb. Here's another that says they carpenters, and we can't carpent. And this one says they're looking for tree fellers, and there's only two of us.'

[attn. Beccs: THAT one I stole from Benny Hill]

Boru

Two jokes that I made up

This chick was so dumb she cut her finger on a razor blade trying to make split pea soup.

This lady was even dumber. She missed the six o’clock news because nobody would tell her what time it comes on.

(October 31, 2015 at 9:06 am)Rhondazvous Wrote: Two jokes that I made up

This chick was so dumb she cut her finger on a razor blade trying to make split pea soup.

This lady was even dumber. She missed the six o’clock news because nobody would tell her what time it comes on.

I think I made up this joke but it is rather obvious so some other wag may have beaten me to it. It goes thusly.
"I have a bag for life, or wife as she prefers to be called"

(October 31, 2015 at 11:05 am)downbeatplumb Wrote:

(October 31, 2015 at 9:06 am)Rhondazvous Wrote: Two jokes that I made up

This chick was so dumb she cut her finger on a razor blade trying to make split pea soup.

This lady was even dumber. She missed the six o’clock news because nobody would tell her what time it comes on.

I think I made up this joke but it is rather obvious so some other wag may have beaten me to it. It goes thusly.
"I have a bag for life, or wife as she prefers to be called"

Well you beat anybody who posts it here.

Here's a joke my dad made up.

A man was arrested after it was discovered that he was hiding drugs in his underwear. However, he was released because the evidence was tainted.

I tweeted this joke out a few years ago (evidence I did it first), and then found out they used it in Ted 2.

F Scott Fitzgerald? Why, what did he do?

(October 31, 2015 at 12:40 pm)Exian Wrote: Here's a joke my dad made up.

A man was arrested after it was discovered that he was hiding drugs in his underwear. However, he was released because the evidence was tainted.

Chip off the old block, is it?

A guy stopped to taste some specialty cheese from a small batch cheese maker at the local open market.
He picked up 2 pieces of cheese from the sample plate.
He started eating one. He then gave the other to his dog.
The dog ate the cheese and urgently started licking his arse.
The Cheese seller asked why is he doing that?
The man replied: I think he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth!

It's so cold here in Melbourne that the politicians were seen walking around with their hands in their own pockets.