Works better in person, but..

"What does every black joke start with?"

'looks both ways'

One of my favs:

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

A blonde is standing next to her Volkswagen beetle, on the side of the highway, crying terribly.

Another blonde, also in a beetle pulls up and asks, "Why are you crying?"

"My car broke down," says the first blond, but when I went to check the engine it was gone. Someone stole it!" She points to the raised hood.

"There, there. Luckily I have a spare engine in my trunk!" says the second blonde...

Bloke goes to the doctors and says" I keep thinking I'm a dog" the doctor says" take a seat I'll be with you in a moment" Bloke says" I can't I'm not allowed on the furniture".

I am a radical wasabi-ist, that shit is awesome on sushi!

What did the judge say to the dentist?

Judge: Pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

Quote:n these serious times, it is important for all of us of all faiths to recognize and accept these Universal Religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooter's.

Two gay guys in a house on fire.
Who got out first, the bottom or the top?
The bottom, 'cause he already had his shit packed.

If there is a Euphrates why isn't there a Mephrates? If there is a Baghdad why isn't there a Baghmom?

One of the blondes from Val's joke is tooling round the countryside in her vintage Porsche when the engine coughs, sputters and dies.  She calls a local garage who have a mechanic there in short order.  After a minute or so of fiddling with the motor, he has her try it - the car starts immediately.

'Oh, thank you SO much!' says the blonde.  'How did you fix it so fast?'

'It was nothing much - just crap in the carburetor.'

'Oh, great.  How often do I have to do that?'

Boru