Always buy a bigger bottle than you need. Better to be safe than sober. 

Boru

Lady gets told by her doctor she needs a liver transplant. Lady resigns herself to this new reality and asks the doctor what the next step is. She tells her patient to go to England. Perplexed the patient asks, "Why do I need to go to England?" The doctor responds, "That way you can be on a Liverpool".

Quote:A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

Not everyone realizes that the limerick is a Jurassic art form - it starts with a pair o' dactyls.

Boru

Hugh Hefner has died, and his wife is feeling the stress.

Not only does she have to arrange a funeral, but she has a geography exam on Friday.

A promiscuous sort was dear Laurie,
(Yes, this is that kind of story).
She did it with Joe,
And Larry and Moe,
And Curly and Howard and Morrie.

And Johnny and Richard and Pritchard and Kerry,
And Lonnie and Horace and Boris and Barry,
And Donald and Harold,
And Ronald and Gerald,
And Tommy and Dicky and Harry.

And Peter and Paul and Teddy and Todd,
And Matthew and Mark and Simon and Rod,
And Brucie and Mark,
And Bobby and Clark,
And she still isn't finish, by god!

And David and Dennis and Huey and Ken,
And Dewey and Louie and David again,
And Willie and Ben,
And David again,
And again and again and again.

And Danny and Manny and Garry and Fred,
And Mackie and Jackie and Dougie and Ned,
And Harvey and Len,
Then David (again),
Then - hold on just a second - she's dead!

Boru

(September 9, 2017 at 6:40 am)Cyberman Wrote: The Tom Jones Guide To Genetics

XX = Female
XY = Male
YYY = Delilah

People older than 30 are the only ones who will get that joke. And it's a great joke!

(September 29, 2017 at 8:53 am)Brian37 Wrote: Lady gets told by her doctor she needs a liver transplant. Lady resigns herself to this new reality and asks the doctor what the next step is. She tells her patient to go to England. Perplexed the patient asks, "Why do I need to go to England?" The doctor responds, "That way you can be on a Liverpool".

John is lying in his hospital bed early one morning when the doctors come in and tell him he needs a new liver.
Doctor: We want to try something new, but the super markets don't open until 6.

Marry Tod was asked by a reporter after, "So, other than that how was the play?"

What, too soon?

I am really fucking pissed that NOBODY wants to invest in my new online media service providing TV static snow.

Doesn't anyone besides me have a sense of nostalgia for the days when the stations would sign off with the National Anthem and have overnight nothing? Has nobody seen the movie Poltergeist?

America has no imagination? That, or I need to lay off the crack pipe.

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Dam it if I am not going to start a radio station with no content!