I went skydiving the other day, probably the scariest thing I've ever done. They strapped me to this bloke and we jumped out. Halfway down he asked me how long had I been an instructor.

I bumped into a time traveler today. Being worried about the economy and inflation, I asked him if the cost of living is expensive in the near future.
He said, no, everything is cheap. A small Starbucks coffee is only 45 yuan!

(August 28, 2020 at 1:36 am)ignoramus Wrote: I bumped into a time traveler today. Being worried about the economy and inflation, I asked him if the cost of living is expensive in the near future.
He said, no, everything is cheap. A small Starbucks coffee is only 45 yuan!

45 Juans?

Need to start investing in Mexico.

(August 28, 2020 at 2:07 am)The Valkyrie Wrote:

(August 28, 2020 at 1:36 am)ignoramus Wrote: I bumped into a time traveler today. Being worried about the economy and inflation, I asked him if the cost of living is expensive in the near future.
He said, no, everything is cheap. A small Starbucks coffee is only 45 yuan!

45 Juans?

Need to start investing in Mexico.

Yuan, is what he said, fer crissakes, which makes a coffee essentially free!

Because, I can get 75-100 yuans for free, in a single evening, at my in-laws house...they are incredibly boring...

I hate arguments that drag on. A few weeks ago, I put superglue on my mates toothbrush. He just can't let it go.

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I asked my girlfriend if I could hit her fanny with a drumstick. She told me not to beat around the bush.

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I used to date a girl who was 3ft 2. I was nuts over her.

A guy walks into a New Orleans bar and says

“Bartender, I’ll have a Corona and 2 hurricanes.”
Bartender says “That’ll be $20.20”

---

American History Review circa 2020:

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.
“Very good!
Who said: ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?”
Again, no response except from Little Akio: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing.
“Let’s try one a bit more difficult. Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?”
Once again, Akio’s was the only hand in the air and he said: “John F. Kennedy, 1961.”
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Who cares about the Japs?”
“Who said that? I want to know right now!” ...she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks, “All right! Now who said that?”
Again, Little Akio says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Bite this!”
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little brat! If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!”
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.”
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh Man, are we in trouble now!”
Little Akio said quietly, “The American public if (Place your hated person here) gets elected.”

Just found out I have both German and French ancestry.


Explains why I keep surrendering to myself.

I once met a stunningly beautiful girl at the tennis courts. In my usual suave style, I pointed out what a sexy little sack of estrogen she was. She smiled sweetly, batted her eyelashes and asked me if I’d like to double up.



Boru

Boss, "You're suspended."

Me, *Hands in badge and gun*

Boss, "What the fuck, Beccs?"

Hero, "I'm going on a quest to get revenge on the man who killed my brother. Which of my friends will join me?"

Warrior, "You have my sword!"

Elf, "And my bow!"

Dwarf, "And my axe!"

Necromancer, "And your brother!"