My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said: “He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week”.
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said: “WOW …That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him”.
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said: “That’s once a day.. You could REALLY learn something from this one”.
I looked at her and said: “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow”.

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauses. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies "An orphan."

My local bookshop has moved its post-apocalypse section into "current affairs".

Surgeon: Don't worry, David, it's a very minor operation.

Me: My name's not David.

Surgeon: I know. I'm David.

Boru

(May 12, 2021 at 5:13 am)The Valkyrie Wrote: Iggy was considering retiring from his hobby as a flasher.

But he's decided to stick it out for a while longer.

Today I called the National Paranoia Hotline.

The guy answered and said, "Where the fuck did you get this number?"

(May 13, 2021 at 6:17 am)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Surgeon: Don't worry, David, it's a very minor operation.

Me: My name's not David.

Surgeon: I know. I'm David.

Boru

Surgeon, "Relax, Barry. It's a serious operation, but your chances of survival are good."

Patient, "My name's not Barry."

Surgeon, *writes madly on chart* "It is now."

Boss, "Beccs!!"

Social distancing has been particularly stressful for flat earthers. They're afraid such measures might push people over the edge.

Boru

(May 14, 2021 at 4:46 am)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Social distancing has been particularly stressful for flat earthers. They're afraid such measures might push people over the edge.

Boru

I'm just disappointed that cats haven't pushed flat-earthers off the side of the planet by now.

A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house calls. As they went in the first house the father said “Now you watch me so you will know what to do.”

Inside, a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor. He picked it up and told the woman she need to quit cleaning and working so hard in her house, she just needed rest.
When they got outside, the son asked how he knew that she was cleaning too much. The old doctor said that when he dropped his pen, the floor was so clean that there wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere.
When they arrived at the next house, the father told his son that it was his turn to examine the patient. At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few questions, and made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to pick it up. He told the woman that she was doing too much church work, and needed to cut down on what she did.
When the two doctors went outside, the old doctor asked the young one how he knew that she was doing too much church work.
The young one said, “Well, when I bent down to pick up my pen, I saw the preacher under the bed.”