Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”

“My daddy said it,” he responded.

“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted. “It means the car won’t start.”

What do pregnant women and gay men have in common?

A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50c a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49c. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48c

The supermarket couldn’t afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47c

However the grocer soon changed his sign to

Butter: 46c

This went on for days until the supermarket was advertising butter for ONLY 10c but the grocer still beat it:

Butter: 9c

The supermarket owner was now losing a lot of money by selling butter this cheap and went next door to the grocer to see if they could work out a deal. However the grocer wasn’t too concerned and didn’t want to. The supermarket owner said “I can’t understand how you can survive selling butter this cheap, I pay 40c each for it and so I’m losing 30c on every sale!”.

The grocer said “Oh, I’m only losing 1p on every sale, I just buy it from you”.

"Auntie Beccs, can I sleep with you tonight? I'm scared!"

"No, sweety. I can't risk the monster following you in here and murdering me in my sleep."

Apparently, I'm not allowed to babysit ever again.

(November 12, 2022 at 1:16 am)The Valkyrie Wrote: "Auntie Beccs, can I sleep with you tonight?  I'm scared!"

"No, sweety.  I can't risk the monster following you in here and murdering me in my sleep."

Apparently, I'm not allowed to babysit ever again.

Alternate line: "No, sweety.  I can't risk your monster sorority sister girlfriend following you in here and murdering me in my sleep."

Q. Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

A. So they won't be mistaken for lesbians.

(November 12, 2022 at 11:58 pm)LinuxGal Wrote: Q. Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

A. So they won't be mistaken for lesbians.

I think I'm going to just let this one sit there, and fester.

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.
On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. “Gym?” God replies, “you don’t need to go to the gym here, you’ll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise.” The wife says how nice that is, but the husband looks a little bit annoyed.

In the afternoon, they go back to God and ask where they can get high factor sunscreen. “This is heaven, you don’t need it anymore, the sun can’t burn you or give you cancer, enjoy the beaches.” The wife is satisfied, but the husband starts looking genuinely angry.

Later in the evening, they go to God and ask where they can find a health food restaurant for dinner. “We don’t have health food restaurants, you can eat as much as you want of whatever you want and never feel bloated or gain any weight.”
Finally the husband snaps, and yells at his wife “You see?! You see?! If it wasn’t for your bloody bran muffins, I could’ve been here forty years ago!”

After all these years, I’m still proud of the fact that I lost my virginity to a celebrity. The other people at the wax museum were kind of freaked out, though.

Boru

Her, "Did you know cucumber can freshen your breath?"

Me, "Not the way you use them, Jill!"