One morning, a man is surprised to see a gorilla lounging on his roof. He flips through the yellow pages and indeed, there’s an advertisement for “Gorilla Removers.”

He dials the provided number, and the gorilla eviction specialist assures him he’ll be there within half an hour.

The gorilla remover shows up, steps out of his van equipped with a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a ferocious pit bull. The man, curious, asks, “What’s your plan?”

The specialist explains, “I’m going to set this ladder against the roof, climb up, and use this baseball bat to knock the gorilla off. Once the gorilla hits the ground, my pit bull is trained to latch onto its testicles and not let go. This should mellow the gorilla enough for me to secure it in the cage at the back of my van.”

He passes the shotgun to the man, who then asks, “And the shotgun’s purpose?”

“If the gorilla manages to knock me off the roof,” the specialist quips, “shoot the dog!”

During a hospital visit to see a buddy of mine, I couldn’t help but notice several attractive nurses, each sporting a pin fashioned like an apple.

Intrigued, I asked one of the nurses what the pin represented.

“Oh, it doesn’t mean anything,” she replied with a grin. “It’s simply there to ward off the doctors.”

(January 1, 2024 at 4:16 pm)Darinda Wrote: During a hospital visit to see a buddy of mine, I couldn’t help but notice several attractive nurses, each sporting a pin fashioned like an apple.

Intrigued, I asked one of the nurses what the pin represented.

“Oh, it doesn’t mean anything,” she replied with a grin. “It’s simply there to ward off the doctors.”

Nurses prefer surgeons...

A man goes to hell and Satan is taking him on a tour of the Infernal Regions.

‘And if you look to your left, you’ll see the lake of lava where you will burn and suffer unimaginable agony for eternity.’

‘Actually, Your Malevolence, since we’re underground, that’s technically a lake of magma, not lava.’

‘THIS IS WHY YOU’RE HERE!!’

Boru

Me, shouting to my boss, "Do you ever get a sharp pain in your body as if someone has a voodoo doll of you and is stabbing pins into it?"

Boss, yelling back from his office, "No, why?"

Me, "How about now?"

The local Catholic Church is holding a marriage seminar, and the priest invites an elderly congregant to address the young couples attending.

‘Luigi,’ says the priest, ‘you’ve been married for almost 50 years to the same woman. Would you like to explain to these young people how, in this age of high divorce rates, you accomplished such a feat.’

‘Well,’ says Luigi, ‘I always treated my wife with kindness and respect, and I never stinted when it came to spending money on her. But the best thing I ever did was take her to Italy for our tenth anniversary.’

‘You’re clearly a role model for all the other husbands here tonight. If I may ask, what do you have planned for your fiftieth anniversary?’

‘I’m gonna go get her.’

Boru

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word. “I’ve got a few suggestions,” he says. “Try folding your
arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”

The new priest tries this. “Very good,” says his senior. “now try saying things like ‘I see’,’I understand’ and ‘Yes, go on.'”

The younger priest practices these sayings, too.

“Well done,” says the older priest. “Don’t you think that’s better than slapping your knee and
saying, ‘No way what happened next?'”

An elf, a dwarf, and a man walk into a bar.



Boru

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you.”

Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour.”

“Show me,” said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out a variety of condoms before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, but I don’t think we could employ someone who’d be womanizing all over the country.”

“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man. “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”

“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.

The man replied, “Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?”

A Texan on holiday in Ireland is in the local bragging about the size of his home state. He says to the barman, ‘My friend, do you realize that I can board a train in the morning, ride it all day and all night, and at daybreak I’d STILL be deep in the heart of Texas!’

‘Aye,’ says the barman. ‘The trains in Ireland are turrible slow as well.’

Boru