I put my phone under my pillow when I went to sleep last night.

I wake up and there's a $1 coin there instead.

Fucking BlueTooth Fairy!!

Me: ‘Hey, Siri?’

Siri: *audible sigh*

Boru

How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounced ‘unionized’.

Boru

I slipped my finger inside her hole and I could feel her getting wetter and wetter. I pulled my finger out and within seconds, she was going down on me.



Boru

What do tofu and dildos have in common?



Boru

Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and JD Vance were on a private jet together.  JD Vance says, "If I throw a $1,000 bill out the window, it will make one person very happy!"

Trump says, "If I throw ten $100 bills out the window, I'd make ten people very happy."

Elon Musk says, "If I throw a thousand $100.00 bills out the window, I'd make a thousand people very happy!"

The pilot, who overheard them talking about making people happy with their money leaned over and whispered to this copilot, "If I threw all three of them out of this plane it would make over 70 million people VERY HAPPY!"

Update version of a joke that's been around for yonks:

'If you were in a room with JD Vance, Elon Musk, and Donald Trump but you had only two bullets in your gun, what would you do?'

'Shoot Trump twice.'

Boru

‘I don’t know why people are so afraid of death. When my grandfather knew the end was near, he calmly put on his sealskin parka, his mukluks, climbed onto an ice floe, and floated off towards the midnight sun.’

‘Your grandfather was an Eskimo?’

‘No, just crazy.’

Boru

‘Made plans for your holidays, Paddy?’

‘Nah. Holidays are a disaster.’

‘How so?

‘The holiday in Italy? Wife got pregnant. Holiday in France? Wife got pregnant. Holiday in America? Pregnant again! I just can’t take it anymore.’

‘Have ye tried going with her?’

Boru