Welcome back, Evie. I really hope you hang in there and find that sweet spot that makes you happy. It sure as fuck is tough, but I am sure it is there if you look hard enough. Worst case scenario, put a return to if lost sign on yourself and venture out. You might have a freakout. You might get lost, but hell, you'll have tried. Do that enough times and you eventually won't freak out. Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy?

Yes I just finished CBT after about 16 sessions because I've moved house. I didn't make much, if any progress yet. The conclusion was that I need to be more active. I plan to get a new CBT therapist in this new area in the future - I like to persevere.

(January 16, 2012 at 10:41 am)Faith No More Wrote: Well, it's never dull here.

Vaeolet disagrees.

Infact... it is quite often dull here. Bits of non-dullity are usually buried deep inside threads which were otherwise totally dull.

It's almost enough to make me ignore every user except the ones most likely to post something that isn't dull

I've been checking back often for the last ~week because I thought the member awards was supposed to be tallied, and I am eager to see the wit Adrian puts into them. Probably better to spend my time playing LoL (or since I'm back now: making money).

I didnt know indifference to assholes was social anxiety...lol

But seriously, sometimes I suffer from anxieties, depressions, moodiness. For me it's all about keeping an even flow as much as possible. I believe being mentally strong and relaxed has kept me from getting full on depression or anxiety later in my life etc. And when something makes me mad and/or its trivial, I gotta laugh at it. If something bad happened and I'm sad, I gotta let it out, talk with people and think things through. I do whatever I can for my mind to keep it as mentally healthy and stable as possible, because its the only one I get and once damaged, it cant be fixed until we have the technology.

I never wanna have to resort to medications because I barely trust the drug companies enough to swallow mystery tablets. For the most part even in the hardest times I get through it how anyone gets through it, by surviving, just for the sake of surviving. Because I care that our early and late ancestors had to fight and struggle and suffer for my Evolution and yours. I have never attempted suicide but I can say this with confidence that every single person has thought about it at one point and it's perfectly natural to think about.

I dont condone suicide fully but I also know that sometimes life comes to a point of mostly pain/suffering/anguish and death is a release. However you should always try and look for an alternative first. If you ever think about killing yourself, it always helps to think about family, kids etc. and then consider severe life changes like moving very far away to absorb a different way of living or getting a new job, new spouse, new hobbies, frankly anything to make yourself happy. Or instead of suicide, you should first consider spending your life helping to other people and animals. To stop being so selfish and give ones life meaning if one thinks its meaningless.

Not going to rehash old shit right now - it's all old news by now. It seems like I'm not alone in this right now, several others have commented on feeling low. Maybe it's the season. I don't know. I recognize old patterns of insomnia and somnolence, isolation and loneliness. Don't know what to make of it, and don't have much else to say.

In previous years, I had a coping mechanism that worked really well for me. I would tell myself that God has already provided me with the resources (reason and an indomitable spirit) and the rest was up to me, that I would find a way to make everything work out. It was, I felt, a more empowering and responsible alternative to praying.

Coming out of school, I went on quite the "self-help" kick. This was at the time that "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" was published. I read Covey, Zigler and many others. I listened to Tony Robbins and went through his whole "Personal Power" program. It all dovetailed nicely with my deism and I felt like I could handle anything.

My peak was in 2001. My business was growing rapidly, clearing what I considered to be great profits after paying my salary. My biggest frustration then was finding qualified people to work for me in order to meet demand. The formula for success was so simple. Make sure you provide exceptional customer service, your quality is consistent and your delivery is punctual and you were guaranteed a good living. Those were the days, my friend, I thought they'd never end.

Things have been crumbling apart since, and really took a nose dive in the last few years. Hard work and dedication are no longer enough. Competition with Chinese outsourcing has devastated my business, literally slashing one of my departments in half and affecting all others. The destruction of the middle class has dried up demand, so that I'm fighting with China over much a smaller pie. Health insurance has skyrocketed in costs, so I can no longer afford to provide that benefit. I've had to layoff half my workforce and every day it feels like I'm scratching and clawing desperately just to get enough to keep my doors open. I feel like I've tried everything and yet each year we lose a little more ground.

Three years ago, my wife's health collapsed. Fortunately, we had health insurance so her care was only ruinously expensive as opposed to unattainable. It wiped out both of our retirement savings and plunged us deeper into debt. She effectively can't work now because of her condition and the medication she's on. It's up to me to keep us above water.

I have a condo I used to live in that I now can't sell. I call it my "personal toxic asset". I've been trying to sell it for years now, repeatedly slashing price until it was offered at little more than half of what I paid for it. Finally, I had a buyer lined up and ready to sign off on it. Unfortunately Fanny Mae and Freddy Mack have effectively made it illegal to sell a condo anymore.

Actually, the specific new Fanny and Freddy rule is if the condo is more than 10% of the total association, it automatically can't be financed, no ifs, ands or buts. Condo's offered to be sold at way under market value? Fuck you, no mortgage. Condo association is in rock solid financial shape with plenty of cash reserves? Fuck you, no mortgage. Buyer's credit score couldn't be higher? Fuck you, no mortgage. Since my toxic asset is a part of a converted old home with only 8 other units, that means I'd have to find a buyer who can fucking pay cash. Five different banks have all told me the same thing. There is no situation in which a buyer could finance a purchase of my condo at any price, with any credit score, having any amount of collateral.

I feel so stretched to the breaking point, both spiritually and financially. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt. What's worse is I don't have any sense of control anymore. It's like it doesn't matter how hard I work, how dedicated I am, how high I jump when a customer calls. Time was there was no unemployment among technicians in my field. Now there are plenty knocking on my door looking for work, so I know if I go bankrupt there's no reliable fall back. And I'm caring for a business that's been in the family for four generations. I'm feeling like such a failure and I don't even know what I'm supposed to do differently.

I'm showing all the signs of severe depression. Hypertension, aches and pains, difficulty getting out of bed in the morning, difficulty getting to sleep at night, inability to enjoy much of anything, feelings of hopelessness, I've gained nearly 50 pounds, the lot. My wife has encouraged me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist but I tell her this isn't just a state of mind. It's reality.

Thoughts of suicide? All the time. I sometimes think that the only thing that keeps me from performing wrist surgery or taking a dive off the 2nd street bridge is my concern for my wife. I'd be throwing her to the wolves, since there's not much she could do if I weren't around.

DP, I would suggest seeking some sort of help, be it therapist or psychiatrist. You are correct that they cannot change reality, which appears to be your main problem, however, they can help you cope with it better. Reality is beyond our control, but how we react to it is not.

If you are not proactive in deterring the depression it can slowly eat at you day by day until you suddenly you notice that you are feeling way worse than you ever could have imagined. It's kind of like a drug addiction in regards that it's better to get help before it's a full blown problem.

Not trying to preach to you or tell you what to do, but I just wanted you to hear from someone who's been there and has also seen his loved ones go down that dark road. Hope you feel better, and feel free to pm me if you ever feel like shit and want to talk. I am always willing to listen to anyone dealing with these issues.

never have i felt like shit more in my life than now

(January 20, 2012 at 2:16 am)Cthulhu Dreaming Wrote: Maybe it's the season. I don't know. I recognize old patterns of insomnia and somnolence, isolation and loneliness. Don't know what to make of it, and don't have much else to say.

Winter is often the worst. Is it winter where you are?

---

DP, thank you for sharing that. I'm very sorry for all of your burdens and worries. I know this sounds like a cracker to quench your thirst, but here is the thing that worked best for me in my most difficult times. There will always be at least one good day to look forward to. When that comes, there will be another. There will be a lot of shitty days in-between. However, if you give up during a shitty snap, that will be the last of your time here. You will miss those good days. The potential to feel happiness, which is so much more profound than sadness when you think about it, will be gone forever. I realize that sounds like hokum, but it is fucking true. Live for those happy moments. Count them. Take notice of them. Obsess over them. Pick them apart piece by piece, if you have to. Just don't forget about them or diminish their worth by disregarding them. Find something to laugh at. Find solace in the fact that financial burdens aren't really that heavy. What is the worst that can happen? You lose your stuff and your money? Well, then you can go on government-funded health care, which isn't that bad. You can live in a small place, completely unburdened by the material possessions (condo) that were weighing you down. You can spend your days laughing with your wife when you can, instead of trying to sell a hunk of wood and metal which has a material worth arbitrarily assigned by lawmakers and financial idiots. You could even live somewhat like a monk, which I am sure sounds pleasing with what you are dealing with! The best of luck to you. Oh, and sometimes it helps to get angry instead of sad. Get angry and then go to the gym and wait for someone to fall off a treadmill. Then, laugh.

---

Napo, the above advice might work for you too. Feel better, dude.

(January 20, 2012 at 10:15 pm)Shell B Wrote:

(January 20, 2012 at 2:16 am)Cthulhu Dreaming Wrote: Maybe it's the season. I don't know. I recognize old patterns of insomnia and somnolence, isolation and loneliness. Don't know what to make of it, and don't have much else to say.

Winter is often the worst. Is it winter where you are?

Yes, it is - though my mood cycles haven't usually been tied to seasonal changes.