joke time

[TheRocketSurgeon]

(I come from a heavily Catholic area, so I know a lot of Catholic jokes. It's not meant to offend anyone.)

A priest is giving Confession to a long line of sinners, and is way behind schedule, when he suddenly realizes he has to go to the bathroom and it can't wait. He frantically looks out the back of the booth and sees a janitor sweeping the hallway. He waves the janitor over and asks him to give confession until the priest can return.

The janitor says, "But Father, I don't know what penances to give for what sins!"

"It's easy," the priest replies, "you just ask them what they have done, and they tell you. Then, depending on how bad the sin is, you give so many Hail Marys and so many Our Fathers to pray, tell them you absolve them, and that's all there is to it!"

The janitor thinks he can handle that, so he nods, and the priest runs off. But no sooner had he sat down in the booth than the first sinner declared, "Father, I had oral sex with my neighbor."

The janitor had been expecting something simple, like lying or cheating on taxes, so he has no idea what to give out for such a big sin. So he pokes his head out the back of the booth and looks around for help. Seeing a passing altar boy, he waves him over and asks, "son, what does the priest usually give for oral sex?"

"Two Snickers and a Coke."

---

My other favorite... an atheism-v-Christianity joke:

An atheist dies and goes to Hell. Obviously, this greatly surprises him! But there it is, before him: the massive gates, Cerberus the three-headed hellhound, and standing there, Satan himself, replete with full regalia, horns, tail, and all.

The atheist begins to tremble as Satan's basso profundo voice shakes the ground, "Welcome to Hell, lost soul. Come, follow me and I will show you where you will be spending your eternity." With that, Satan turns, and the atheist follows, never taking his eyes off the mass of red flesh, the giant bat wings, and the goat-hoofed legs. Satan begins to speak as they pass through the gates, but the atheist is so terrified, he can't focus on what is being said.

However, it is not long before the atheist notices that it's bright around them, and merely warm, like a pleasant spring afternoon. He begins to look around, and he sees trees, grass, and flowing streams. Birds are singing as they fly by. He sees people having a picnic together and laughing. Looking beyond, he sees roller coasters, sailboats on a lake, and a skate park full of teenagers. A hang-glider drifts across the sky. Everywhere he looks, everyone he sees is having the time of their (after)lives. All the while, Satan's voice continues to drone on, but when the atheist stops to gawk at the amusements, Satan turns back around and says. "Oh, right. Sorry! I always forget to lead with that part. All that stuff you heard about Hell, while you were on earth? Total BS! Just propaganda for the other side, to try to win converts. You can do and have anything you want, here in Hell. Just ask! We're totally cool."

With that, the atheist finally relaxes and begins to enjoy Satan's guided tour. Satan turns out to be a totally nice guy. Amusements the atheist never dreamed of scroll before his eyes. But then, finally, they crest a hill and there it is, the Lake of Fire... billions of souls engulfed in burning brimstone, screaming in agony and tearing the flesh from their bodies as fast as it re-forms over their charred bones. The atheist recoils in horror!!

"Whoa! Whoa, take it easy!" says Satan, with a shrug. "That's just for the Catholics. They insisted!"

[Rhondazvous]

Hey Rocket, have you heard this one.

3 couples are standing before the pearly gates. Saint Peter is looking through the records of the first man.
Saint Peter: You lived a pretty good life… But oh dear, it says here you loved money so much you refused to get married until you met a woman named Penny. I can’t let you in Heaven with a vice like that.
So the first couple walks away. Then Saint Peter opens the books for the second man.
Saint Peter: You lived an exemplary life. Never cheated on your wife. Gave annually to charity, went out of your way to help people who could in n wise pay you back…But alas, it says here you loved drink so much you refused to get married until you met a woman named Sherry. That one sin is going to cost you.
While the second couple slinked away, the third man turned to his wife and said “Come on, Fanny, let’s go.”

[robvalue]

Why did the table get fat?

It could only get desk jobs.

[Rhondazvous]

Did you hear the one about the fat lady? When she sat around the house, she sat AROUND the house.

And then there was the man who had such a beer belly that when he got his shoes shined, he had to take the boy's word for it.

This woman was so fat, I had to take a train and 2 buses just to get on her good side. When she hauled ass, she had to make 2 trips.

[TheRocketSurgeon]

Ha! That's funny, Rhonda. The one about St. Peter that I always liked was:

---

A doctor, a mechanic, and a lawyer die and appear before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them, "Before you can enter Heaven, I must ask you a question. If you answer correctly, you get in. The difficulty of the question will depend on how much evil you did in your life."

The doctor approaches first, and Peter tells him, "You lived a very good life, you worked with Doctors Without Borders for little pay, and sought to ease the suffering of those on earth. So you get an easy question. What was the name of the huge British cruise liner that sank in 1912?"

The doctor correctly answers, "Titanic", and proceeds through the Gates to his eternal reward.

The mechanic approaches second, and Peter says, "Oooh, you lived a pretty rough life. You blasphemed, you lied constantly, you swore like a sailor, you stole from your customers, you put used parts on cars and claimed they were new, you cheated on your wife by cavorting with prostitutes, and you never donated to the collection plate when your wife forced you to go to church on Sundays. So I'm going to have to ask you a harder question. Approximately how many people died in the sinking of Titanic in 1912?"

The mechanic thinks a bit, remembers seeing a documentary, and says, "About 1500 people died."

"That's correct," says Peter. "You may enter heaven."

The lawyer then approaches, and Peter says, "Okay, name them."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Reminds me of this one (I think I've posted it before, but I'll be buggered if I'll scroll back to check):

Three nuns arrive at the Gates, and Peter explains the situation.

'Sisters,' he tells them, 'you've all led exemplary lives and are deserving of your eternal reward. However, we're having a bit of trouble with the accommodations, so you'll each need to answer a Bible question before I can let you in.' The nuns agree that this sounds a fair deal, so Peter turns to the first nun and asks, 'Who was the first man?'. Without a moment's hesitation, the nun answers, 'Adam,' and is admitted to Heaven.

Peter turns to the second nun and asks, 'Who was the first woman?' and nun immediately pipes up, 'Eve!' and Peter ushers her through the Gates.

He then turns to the third nun and asks, 'What was the first thing that the first woman said to the first man?'

The nun has a good, long think and says, 'Gosh, that's a hard one.'

She got in.

Boru

[ignoramus]

[Rhondazvous]

A man applied for a job at the Texas Tornado Observation Commission. The position paid well, but you had to be willing to travel.

On his cover latter he told the interviewer to only call him after five thirty because he’s self-employed and his boss doesn’t know he’s looking for a new job.

Then he went down to Brooks Bros, to get a nice suit because he wanted to look nice for the interview, but when he got to the cash register he realized that he didn’t have any money in his account because his bank had put a stop payment on his reality check. He was expecting some money from an insurance company, but they denied his claims for damages caused by an act of God because they knew he was an atheist.

So in desperation, he broke into the police station and stole all the toilet sears hoping to sell them. He got away with it because investigators looking into the crime had nothing to go on.

His friends told him, “Man, if you want a good job, you have to be smarter than that.” So he went out and bought a six pack of beer because his name is Buddy and he read somewhere that beer makes Bud wiser.

So in this condition he went to the job interview at the Texas Tornado Observation commission. I forgot the rest of the story. I hear it’s just a lot of wind.

[Cyberman]

I told my psychiatrist I've been hearing voices in my head.

He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.

[Cyberman]

I chatted up this bird in the pub and ended up walking her home. We got to her door and I said, "Well, are you going to invite me in for a fuck?"

She said, "Sorry love, it's the wrong time of the month for that. But you can come in for a drink if you want."

I said, "What am I, a fucking vampire?"