Taking care of elderly family being only child.

[Brian37]

My father has a degenerative neurological condition and is at home with my mother, where she refused to accept any outside help in taking care of him until recently. I wound up having to be the bad guy by informing her that caring for him at home with absolutely no assistance was no longer acceptable. Suffice it to say that a lot of anger and stuff transpired in between, but he now has home health visits several days a week, the proper assistive devices and equipment, and she also "allows" me to come and assist with his care as well. 

No one wants likes being forced to play hardball with their sick or aging parents. Unfortunately, we have to take on the role of parents to our parents sometimes, and decisions have to be made for them.

You're mother sounds like a sweet lady, who simply wants to take care of herself as long as she can. Help her in that pursuit as long as it's a reasonable option.

Yes she is, our personalities conflict and we really are different, but when push comes to shove if you have her in your corner, you have a great person in your life. She is great to me, and that is what makes this frustrating sometimes, I simply don't want anything bad to happen to her.

[brewer]

The only thing that frustrates me is that she gets more concerned about the way something looks, rather than the pragmatism of what she needs and her safety, like insisting on having that rocking recliner she finally got rid of. It's the recovery aspect. Once she gets past this I'll be much more relaxed and her predilections wont bother me as much.

Well, she is a woman. (hehe)

[Brian37]

The only thing that frustrates me is that she gets more concerned about the way something looks, rather than the pragmatism of what she needs and her safety, like insisting on having that rocking recliner she finally got rid of. It's the recovery aspect. Once she gets past this I'll be much more relaxed and her predilections wont bother me as much.

Well, she is a woman. (hehe)

I wish I had her vagina(balls) she can be Betty White when she wants something. Me, I am the wimp. I wish she were more like me, because if I were her in her position, I wouldn't hesitate to ask for help. I don't think that is a male female thing at all, I think it is simply her personality. Some humans don't mind having the help and others want to do things on their own. 

She's sweet and can be tough too, but sometimes her independence lets her get ahead of herself.

[Athene]

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My father has a degenerative neurological condition and is at home with my mother, where she refused to accept any outside help in taking care of him until recently. I wound up having to be the bad guy by informing her that caring for him at home with absolutely no assistance was no longer acceptable. Suffice it to say that a lot of anger and stuff transpired in between, but he now has home health visits several days a week, the proper assistive devices and equipment, and she also "allows" me to come and assist with his care as well. 

No one wants likes being forced to play hardball with their sick or aging parents. Unfortunately, we have to take on the role of parents to our parents sometimes, and decisions have to be made for them.

You're mother sounds like a sweet lady, who simply wants to take care of herself as long as she can. Help her in that pursuit as long as it's a reasonable option.

---

Yes she is, our personalities conflict and we really are different, but when push comes to shove if you have her in your corner, you have a great person in your life. She is great to me, and that is what makes this frustrating sometimes, I simply don't want anything bad to happen to her.

Maybe she could be talked into hiring a companion to come in and visit with her a couple of hours a day until she's completely recovered. Someone to check in on her, maybe do light errands and generally make sure she's okay. And also, let you know what's what. 

[Brian37]

Yes she is, our personalities conflict and we really are different, but when push comes to shove if you have her in your corner, you have a great person in your life. She is great to me, and that is what makes this frustrating sometimes, I simply don't want anything bad to happen to her.

Maybe she could be talked into hiring a companion to come in and visit with her a couple of hours a day until she's completely recovered. Someone to check in on her, maybe do light errands and generally make sure she's okay. And also, let you know what's what. 

She has a button she can push, and other than that I can be over their quite some time, been back and forth today going back again. She really is fine once she's recovered has lots of interaction when she is well. She also has a couple of friends that are willing to come over. And the nurse will be over every day to check in on her for the next week or so. It's just the down time between people being there.

[Athene]

It sounds like she's well-covered. 
Is the button in a stationary place (like in a facility) or does she have one that she can wear?

[Athene]

Please don't try to take her decision making capacity away from her. That's one of the last things elderly prize because it makes them feel independent. That they are in control of their own life.

I'm not saying don't have discussions with her about decisions. Sometimes the elderly don't see the potential negative impacts that some decisions can have, especially the big decisions.

Help her make the best informed decisions that she can. I'm afraid if you take that away it will only cause a resentment.

I'm in agreement with you on that. But, sometimes you have no choice but to take the wheel from them. Especially when they've made a left turn into oncoming traffic. 

This actually happened while I was driving with my father several years ago. He'd had a series of minor bumps and scrapes while driving, so we made it a point to try and tag along with him as much as possible when he drove. After he'd made the turn, he still didn't realize why I'd started screaming. I had to take the wheel and steer the car onto the median from the passenger's seat. My family I decided that he could no longer be allowed to drive after that, and he harbored a great deal of resentment for quite some time.

I felt horribly for him, losing his last vestige of independence. It was devastating to him, but nowhere near the devastation and guilt we all would've felt if he'd killed a family with his vehicle because of our inaction. 

The decision of when and if to stop driving seems to a point where many adult children find themselves at odds with aging parents who want to maintain their independence.

[brewer]

I'm in agreement with you on that. But, sometimes you have no choice but to take the wheel from them. Especially when they've made a left turn into oncoming traffic. 

This actually happened while I was driving with my father several years ago. He'd had a series of minor bumps and scrapes while driving, so we made it a point to try and tag along with him as much as possible when he drove. After he'd made the turn, he still didn't realize why I'd started screaming. I had to take the wheel and steer the car onto the median from the passenger's seat. My family I decided that he could no longer be allowed to drive after that, and he harbored a great deal of resentment for quite some time.

I felt horribly for him, losing his last vestige of independence. It was devastating to him, but nowhere near the devastation and guilt we all would've felt if he'd killed a family with his vehicle because of our inaction. 

The decision of when and if to stop driving seems to a point where many adult children find themselves at odds with aging parents who want to maintain their independence.

Valid point. When they become a threat/danger (cause harm) to themselves or others that's when someone has to step in. Especially if they can't see the danger themselves. That creates a hell of a lot of resentment.

In some cases we try to get a third party to make the decision. For driving I've used the DMV (make them retest) or insurance company (cancel insurance). Other times for cases of diminished mental capacity use a patient advocate, physician, court, (residential placement, restricted environment, financial control, ........). That makes the children/family less of the bad guy.

Any way it happens, it's rarely good.

[Brian37]

Thanks for all the replies guys. It helps when you can talk to people going through similar things. I will say this, my mom may fight me on some things, but like I said, it isn't like what some describe, she really knows I love her so it is not like a hate or resentment thing, but "I know what I am doing". She really knows I love her. But I do have to get other people to prod her sometimes.

[Minimalist]

Please don't try to take her decision making capacity away from her. That's one of the last things elderly prize because it makes them feel independent. That they are in control of their own life.

I'm not saying don't have discussions with her about decisions. Sometimes the elderly don't see the potential negative impacts that some decisions can have, especially the big decisions.

Help her make the best informed decisions that she can. I'm afraid if you take that away it will only cause a resentment.

I'm in agreement with you on that. But, sometimes you have no choice but to take the wheel from them. Especially when they've made a left turn into oncoming traffic. 

This actually happened while I was driving with my father several years ago. He'd had a series of minor bumps and scrapes while driving, so we made it a point to try and tag along with him as much as possible when he drove. After he'd made the turn, he still didn't realize why I'd started screaming. I had to take the wheel and steer the car onto the median from the passenger's seat. My family I decided that he could no longer be allowed to drive after that, and he harbored a great deal of resentment for quite some time.

I felt horribly for him, losing his last vestige of independence. It was devastating to him, but nowhere near the devastation and guilt we all would've felt if he'd killed a family with his vehicle because of our inaction. 

The decision of when and if to stop driving seems to a point where many adult children find themselves at odds with aging parents who want to maintain their independence.

The motor vehicle department does eye tests on older drivers when what they should be doing are cognitive assessments.  Eye sight can be corrected.  Dementia cannot.