joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A distraught man rushes in to see his doctor and says, 'Doc, I have a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bum!'

The doctor has the man drop his trousies and examines him for several minutes. Worried at the doctor's silence, the man nervously asks, 'Well, Doc...is it serious?'

'I'm sorry to have to tell you this,' answers the doctor, 'but it's just the tip of the iceberg.'

Boru

[Minimalist]

A frog goes into a bank and hops over to the loan officer's desk. He jumps up onto the chair and says to the officer, "Hi, what is your name?" The officer says, "You can call me Mr. Padewak. What can I do for you?" The frog replies, "I want a loan." "OK," says Mr.Padewak, "let's fill out a loan application. What is your name?"  "Kermit," the frog says, "Kermit Jagger."  "Oh, any relation to Mick Jagger?" Padewak asks. "Yeah, he's my Dad!" answers the frog. "Wow," says Padewak. "Do you have any collateral?"  "Yes, I do," and the frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a big, bright pink, ceramic elephant. He places it on the desk in front of Padewak.  Padewak scratches his head and says, "Excuse me for a moment." He then walks into the bank manager's office with the loan application and the elephant in hand. Padewak says, "Uh, sir, there is this frog out there who wants a loan." He hands the manager the application. "He brought this, this...uh, well, I don't know what it is, for collateral!" He puts the shiny pink elephant on the manager's desk. "What should I do?" The bank manager stands up and shouts, "It's a knick-knack, Padewak, give the frog a loan!! His old man's a Rolling Stone!!!!!!"

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me!  What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[Rhondazvous]

What do you call a boat full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

Hehe. reminds me of that old joke.
What the difference between a dragonfish and a lawyer?
One's a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is some type of marine animal.

A woman was ringing her hands trying to figure out what to do. She needed a plumber and she needed a lawyer, but she couldn’t afford both and couldn’t decide which she needed most.
Wife: Oh darling, what should I do?
Husband: What difference does it make? Either way, we’re gonna get screwed.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

As everyone knows, quite a lot of hanky-panky goes on at old folks' homes, and Max and Sadie were a case in point. Being in their 90s, the old dears couldn't do very much, but every Friday afternoon Sadie would go into Max's room for 15 minutes and hold his penis. This happy state of affairs continued for a few months until one Friday, Sadie arrived for their assignation and Max wasn't in his room. Fearing the worst - Max was, after all, 94 - Sadie asks an attendant if Max is all right.

'No worries, luv,' the attendant replies. 'I just saw him go into Esther's room.'

None too pleased at this, Sadie hobbles her way into the room in question and, sure enough, there is Esther holding Max's penis.

'You bastard, Max,' snaps Sadie. 'I thought we meant something to each other. What's Esther got that I haven't got?'

And Max says, 'Parkinson's.'

Boru

[apos in advance to any nonagenarians, Parkinson's patients, or nursing home staff/administrators offended by the above]

[Darinda]

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

'Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
Neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'


The priest replied: That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need
To confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father...



She started to repay me with sexual favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'


The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
Placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
Circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
You are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father.
That's a
great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.'


'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is
over?''

[Rhondazvous]

A man escaped from prison and broke into someone’s house looking for money.

He tied the husband to a chair and threw the wife on the bed. Then he leaned over her and disappeared into the bathroom.

Husband: Do whatever he says honey. I saw the way he was kissing your cheek. Don’t resist him or he’ll kill both of us. Be strong, honey. I love you.
Wife: He wasn’t kissing my cheek. He was whispering in my ear. He’s gay and he thinks you’re cute. He asked me if we have any Vaseline. I told him it’s in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you.

[Cyberman]

True story:

Election night, November 2nd 1948. Every prediction indicates that Thomas Dewey will beat Harry Truman to the Oval Office. Dewey turns to his wife, Frances, and says, "Well honey, how does it feel to be sleeping with the next president of the United States?"

"It will be a great honour," she replied, "and frankly I am looking forward to it!"

Next morning at the breakfast table, Frances breaks the uneasy silence with "Tom, am I going to Washington, or is Harry coming here?"

[Cyberman]

My fear of helter skelters is spiralling out of control.

[Cyberman]

Nobody tells them better than Dave Allen:

[ignoramus]

hehe ... the father, the son and into the hole he goes!