joke time

[ApeNotKillApe]

A U joking!   That was gold!

[Minimalist]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"


HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."

[Rhondazvous]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office.  He's wearing a tutu, cowboy boots, and a top hat with a live weasel clinging to it.  In one hand, he's carrying custard  (no container, just the custard), and in the other is a rope which he is using to tow a wheeled, wooden unicorn with 'Wilt Thou Kiss Me In The Dark, Baby?' painted on its side.  Both of the man's thumbs are dyed electric blue, and he has an eight foot snake wrapped round his neck.

He says, 'Doctor, I need to talk to you about my brother...'

Boru

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head.
Psychiatrist: Wow, we really do have a problem here, don’t we?
Duck: Sure do, doc. I can’t get this man off my foot for nothing.

[Expired]

I've just paid £400 for some binoculars, I think they saw me coming.

[Rhondazvous]

A dog gave birth to some puppies by the side of the road. A cop gave her a ticket for littering.

[Minimalist]

Fucking cops!

[Brian37]

Sports joke which can be used for any crappy team any year, I don't remember if I posted it before but here goes.

A couple is battling over custody of Johnny their 6 year old and they end up in family court. After a half hour of the lawyers and spouses shouting the Judge banged her gavel and said "ENOUGH, now here is what I am going to do. I am going to take Johnny into my chambers and have a talk with him"

So the judge and the boy go into her chambers.

Judge, "Ok, Johnny do you want to live with your dad?"

Johnny, "No, he beats me"

Judge, "So want to live with your mother then?"

Johnny, "No, she beats me too"

Judge, "Ok, then who do you want to live with?"

Johnny, "The Redskins, they never beat anyone."

[Athene]

A termite walks into a bar and asks,
"Is the bar tender here?"

[Gawdzilla]

A man walks into a bar looking like he'd been run over by a truck. He's got one arm in a sling and is walking with a crutch. Face all beat to hell and back.

Bartender says "What the heck happened to you?"

"Well, the police called this morning and said a bank robber had taken my mother-in-law hostage downtown. The wife and I hustled down there and met with the negotiator. He said he could talk the guy into letting her go in about ten minutes."

"So what went wrong?"

"I forgot my wife was standing right next to me and asked for fifteen minutes for rebuttal."

[Edwardo Piet]

What was Donald Trump's nickname at school?

"That cunt who needs a napalm enema."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5SRqVSwv9E