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Current time: December 15, 2024, 9:44 pm

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joke time
RE: joke time


You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson

God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders

Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
Reply
RE: joke time
Quote:A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She  knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the   daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress?  But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and  wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this  dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.  He walked in and saw her lying  there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.
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RE: joke time
That last reminds me of the Benny Hill skit:

Wife: 'My mum says I've got the body of a nineteen year old!'

Husband: 'Give it back, you're getting it all wrinkled.'

Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
Why was the porn star fired? Because they were always blowing it. Hey, gotta have variety.
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RE: joke time
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.
-Cole's Law.
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RE: joke time
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

AYE MATEY.
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RE: joke time
A guy walks into a convenience store and grabs a single-serve meal, a single serve-drink and a single-serve dessert.
He goes up to the counter to pay and the woman behind the counter says, 'let me guess, you're single?'
He says, 'Yeah, how could you tell?'
And she says, 'Because you're really fucking ugly.'
Reply
RE: joke time
Parched after a long day of inter-tribal bitching, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman head to the local for a pint. Just as they raise their glasses, a fly lands in each one.

The Englishman takes one look at the fly, and promptly vomits into his bowler hat.

The Scotsman shrugs, flicks the fly off the foam, and calmly proceeds to drink.

The Irishman picks up his fly between thumb and forefinger and shrieks, 'SPIT IT OUT, YA FECKING BASTARD!!'

Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Reply
RE: joke time
For the old fogies in America who remember "Pepperidge Farms"


Parody I made up..... (old grandfather voice)

Remember that layer cake that your Grandma used to bake? Remember how she used to sneeze in the batter, but you still ate the cake anyway because you didn't want to hurt grandma's feelings?

Well, Pepperidge Farms remembers. We have 18 authorized grandmas who sneeze big chunky snot into your cake. Only the best colds will do.
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RE: joke time
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo"

He grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson

God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders

Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
Reply



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