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joke time
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Buddha approaches the Hot Dog Vendor : "Make me one with everything".
Hands the vendor a $20 bill . Buddha: "Where's my change?". Vendor : "Change comes from within."
God thinks it's fun to confuse primates. Larsen's God!
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.   You can fix ignorance, you can't fix stupid. Tinkety Tonk and down with the Nazis. 
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!" The granting of a pardon is an imputation of guilt, and the acceptance a confession of it.
A few days ago, I was nice enough to tell a lady on the bus that she had semen on the back of her shirt. She said, 'Thank you, but it's probably just yogurt.'
I said, 'Nah, I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.' Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
 
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