Posts: 3676
Threads: 354
Joined: April 12, 2015
Reputation:
42
RE: joke time
January 20, 2017 at 2:03 pm
(January 20, 2017 at 7:59 am)ignoramus Wrote: ![[Image: 1i08ho.jpg]](https://i.imgflip.com/1i08ho.jpg)
And I haven't made fun of people who speak English in the U.S. in decades. They're the only minority group that isn't protected by anti-discrimination laws.
I think Jesus just spoke to me in my head!
He said "I was to die for!"
I said: piss off ya poof!
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
Posts: 30129
Threads: 304
Joined: April 18, 2014
Reputation:
92
RE: joke time
January 21, 2017 at 2:01 am
Ole says to the doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."
Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"
Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."
The granting of a pardon is an imputation of guilt, and the acceptance a confession of it.
Posts: 44483
Threads: 532
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
January 21, 2017 at 6:59 am
After being married for 13 years (and having been intimate for three years before that), my wife blew up at me when she caught me using her toothbrush. Talk about unreasonable. I mean, how else am I supposed to get the dog shit out of the treads on my track shoes?
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 30129
Threads: 304
Joined: April 18, 2014
Reputation:
92
RE: joke time
January 21, 2017 at 2:50 pm
A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.
Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."
"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.
"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."
Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"
Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well, Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, Ole shows up at the Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you vere so religious."
Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father vas a pharmacist."
One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and, having just returned from church with Lena, he was feeling a little religious.
"God," said Ole, "Ven you made Lena, vy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant ta hold?"
Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."
"Vell then vy, oh vy," asked Ole, "vy Lord did you make her so stupid?"
"So she would love YOU," said the voice.
The granting of a pardon is an imputation of guilt, and the acceptance a confession of it.
Posts: 20476
Threads: 447
Joined: June 16, 2014
Reputation:
111
RE: joke time
January 24, 2017 at 2:24 am
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
Posts: 25314
Threads: 239
Joined: August 26, 2010
Reputation:
156
RE: joke time
January 24, 2017 at 11:35 pm
Had a blazing row with the wife, just because I suggested we have separate holidays this year.
It's all sorted now though. I'm going to Magaluf with the lads, she's going to a battered wives' centre.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
Posts: 25314
Threads: 239
Joined: August 26, 2010
Reputation:
156
RE: joke time
January 24, 2017 at 11:44 pm
(Apologies for this one; it's not all that good, but I read it this afternoon and it caught me off guard.)
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
Posts: 20476
Threads: 447
Joined: June 16, 2014
Reputation:
111
RE: joke time
January 24, 2017 at 11:50 pm
Sorry Stim, I can't see the humour!
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
Posts: 8038
Threads: 39
Joined: March 18, 2014
Reputation:
54
RE: joke time
February 8, 2017 at 1:09 am
How can you pick out NASCAR drivers?
Thief and assassin for hire. Member in good standing of the Rogues Guild.
Posts: 3676
Threads: 354
Joined: April 12, 2015
Reputation:
42
RE: joke time
February 8, 2017 at 4:11 pm
(January 24, 2017 at 11:44 pm)Stimbo Wrote: (Apologies for this one; it's not all that good, but I read it this afternoon and it caught me off guard.)
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
It's kinda like when I took off my shoe to kill a nail.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
|
![[Image: 1i8no5.jpg]](https://i.imgflip.com/1i8no5.jpg)
