joke time

[Little lunch]

My girlfriend wanted to spice up our love life so she brought some flavoured condoms home after work.
She wanted to turn the lights out and try to guess the flavour. So we jump into bed and she sticks her head under the sheets and comes back out.
'Cheese and onion?'
I said, 'hold on, I haven't even got the fucking thing on yet.'

[Little lunch]

How many Freudian Psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in and the other to hold my penis......I mean lightbulb.

---

'What does a girl have to do to get a drink around here?', I said to the doctor during my prostate exam.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

100. 1 to change the bulb, and 99 to whinge about how much better Hendrix could have done it.

Boru

[Minimalist]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. 

 

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, " Business trip or pleasure?"
 
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. " I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston ." 

 
He swallowed hard. 

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" 

 
" Lecturer,"   she responded. " I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." 

 
Really?"  he said. 

"And what kind of myths are there?" 

 
" Well,"  she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. 

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. 

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." 

 
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "  I'm sorry,"   she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..." 

 
"Tonto," the man said, 
 
 
 
" Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba

[Minimalist]

[Brian37]

Guy goes to the real estate agent, tells him he wants a house on the lake.

Real estate agent asks, "Ok what are your base requirements for the property?"

Guy says, "I want a dock on each side of the slip".

Real estate agent, "Why do you need docks on both sides?"

Guy, "I wanted to create a pair of docks".

[Rhondazvous]

Question: If a man says something in the middle of the forest and there's no woman around to hear him, will he still be wrong?

[Brian37]

Question: If a man says something in the middle of the forest and there's no woman around to hear him, will he still be wrong?

If Kellyanne Conway says something in the middle of a forest with nobody around to hear her, can we leave her there?

[Brian37]

Two rice farmers who were neighbors  got really bad headaches shouting over land rights, their doctors advised them to stop shouting "MY GRAIN!"

[The Valkyrie]

A farmer left his house one evening, walked into the middle of a field and stood there, utterly still.

He stood there for days, then a week, then a month.

Finally a neighbour went out to ask him what he's doing?

"I want to get into the Guinness Book of records," the farmer replied.

His neighbour was confused.

"In the category of being outstanding in my field."