joke time

[ignoramus]

Hammy, you're an idiot!

[Minimalist]

"People died and he was relieved it wasn't him!" isn't a joke, lol.

Xtians call that a "miracle."

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-s...ne-1263588

The miracle child: Sole survivor of plane crash which killed 156 people tells her unbelievable story for the first time

[Little lunch]

Hammy, when he said that could have been him, he means he could have been the one driving the truck and had the fun of killing all those una-murrican people. Get it?

[Cyberman]

Saw a Rembrandt self-portrait in the Tate the other day, with a little sign saying it had been "donated anonymously".

So I went to the front desk and said "I'd like my Rembrandt back now, please."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I saw a restaurant with a sign advertising 'Breakfast Served Anytime', so I went in and ordered oatmeal during the Battle of Sekigahara.

Boru

[Little lunch]

I've heard that one but it ended with pancakes in the Renaissance. :-)

[Fireball]

I must admit that wasn't remotely funny and doesn't even qualify as a joke.

Either that or I just don't get it.

Was the "joke" that the guy at the end was relieved because it could have been him that died but instead it was a bunch of other people?

Where's the joke?

I'll stick to watching South Park. At least when they take the piss out of Islam it's funny.

The other joke about the Lawyer in the library was hilarious though. Lol.

---

If you had used ISIS  instead and left truck drivers out of it, it could have been. 

Nope. Still wouldn't have been funny.

"People died and he was relieved it wasn't him!" isn't a joke, lol.

Even my shitty self-made acting like a retard and talking about mayo-making over and over is funnier than that. And I'm not funny. I'm obnoxious and annoying.

Here's funny:

Bolding mine.That is Brian's statement.

[Darinda]

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming
traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims shouting Anti-American
slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their
car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side was stopped next
to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and
took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself:

"Man.... that coulda been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

You know what? Not funny.

If you had used ISIS  instead and left truck drivers out of it, it could have been. 

Would that same joke work for you if it were Roof, or an abortion clinic bomber who was Christian?

Too bad i'm neither Roof nor an abortion clinic bomber. Its a fuckin joke you don't have to laugh if you don't like it, but please don't make an issue out of it muthafucka.

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
 
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
 
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:  "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
 
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
 
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
 
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.  "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick

[Brian37]

I think my GPS is broken.

I can find Fort Bragg with it but not fortitude.

[Emmett]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29FvQgiRNXc