joke time

[Darinda]

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in a hospital's ICU,  tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. She looked deep & steady into my Eyes and I heard her slowly say,  "You may not feel anything from the waist down. I managed to mumble in reply,  "Can I feel your tits, then?"

[Little lunch]

Why does shit taper at one end?

So your arse doesn't slam shut.

Why is your bum crack vertical and not horizontal?

So you don't clap whilst walking down the street.

[Nay_Sayer]

When he was a young but not yet famous and still poor man just starting out in calling minor league games, Howard Cosell dated a very rich and affluent potato. She was everything to him, however, one day after landing a movie role she holds Howard's hand and says "I can't be with you anymore".

Devastated Howard asks "Why? I love you did I do something wrong?"

She replies "No, You have been wonderful it's just I have to keep my status to my friends."

Confused Howard remarks: "I don't understand"

She gently explains: "You have to find someone right for you, I'm a rich and semi-famous spud and your just a common tater."

[Darinda]

An engineer dies and presents himself at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets

And escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.

And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims, "You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies, "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

[Rhondazvous]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

[Darinda]

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about. 

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey." 

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in." 

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other." 

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either." 

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it." 

"Very good!" said St. Peter. 

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball." 

St. Peter fainted! 

[Darinda]

God decides he'd like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks,
"Pete, I need a vacation, being God is fucking stressful. Where should I go?"
St. Peter says, "well Pluto has good skiing."
God shakes his head fervently and replies, "no way, I broke my leg there once."
Next, St. Peter suggests Jupiter - "there's an eons-long storm that could be fun."
God says, "no way, I almost got struck by lightning there last time"
So then, St. Peter suggests Earth - "you can do just about anything there."
God fires back, "Fuck that, Pete. I went there 2000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish chick and they're still fucking talking about it!"

[ignoramus]

I asked the wife why she keeps me in the dark and feeds me bullshit all the time...
She said it's because I'm a fun guy.

[Brian37]

What did the Hawaiian librarian's manager say when a patron brought back an over due book?

"BOOK EM"

[Fireball]

Tree hugger