joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I recently walked into a shop.  14 stitches.

Boru

[Cyberman]

Had a weird experience today.

I was in town, minding my own business, and suddenly I heard a voice behind me saying my name. "Steve", it went.

So I looked around, but there was nobody there. Then the voice came again, and again it was behind me. "Steve."

Now I was puzzled, so I asked who it was and what they wanted. Instead of answering, the voice said simply "Park Street". I'm going mad, I thought; but curiosity got the better of me and so, being just around the corner anyway, I decided what the hell.

I walked the length of Park Street, until the voice came again: "Stop." I stopped. "Ground," it said. Looking down, I saw a £50 note!

I picked it up and again came the voice. "Casino," it said. Well, my luck seemed to be in, so I hurried to our little gaming establishment.

Inside, I waited for instructions. Sure enough, the voice said "Chip". So I handed over the cash and got a fifty-quid chip. "Roulette," said the voice. I looked about until I located the roulette wheel, then walked over.

Then the voice told me, "34." I waited for the croupier to ask for bets, then put down my stake. 34.

The croupier closed the betting and spun the wheel. Round and round it went. The colours were entrancing as they twisted and blurred together.

In went the ball. It spun around and around, the sound of its orbit filled my whole world.

The ball began to lose momentum, jumping around in ever-capricious fits and starts. Finally it settled into its chosen spot as the wheel slowed.

My heart was thumping, the blood pounding in my temples, my excitement at fever pitch as the wheel stopped and the croupier called out the winning number.

I couldn't believe it.

25.

Then the voice came one final time.

"Shit."

[ignoramus]

So .................. did you have a shit right there?

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'As you go through life, never forget - there is no such thing as a not-for-profit casino.' - Harry 'The Hat' Anderson

Boru

[Darinda]

There was a family gathering, with all generations at the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children.




[b]'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.
I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee,
but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'[/b]

[Edwardo Piet]

Got a new sundial, but it's crap. It keeps time okay, but it doesn't say if it's AM or PM.

You think that's a problem? I'm ex-military, try finding one with a 24hr dial!

My sleep patterns are so random that sometimes I wake up and see "6:30" and I don't know if it's AM or PM.

Hopefully you didn't find that amusing. Because that's not a joke.

[vulcanlogician]

So God was hanging out in Heaven with Peter discussing his vacation plans. He had been working hard lately and really needed to unwind.

"Why don't you go to Andromeda?" Peter asked.

"No. I just went there a century ago. I want to do something different."

"What about Orion's Belt? I hear that's pretty relaxing." Peter suggested.

"It is," God replied, "but the thing is that there just isn't much to DO there. It's boring."

After considering some more possibilities, Peter lit up, "Hey God, why don't you go to Earth?"

"Hell no!" God exclaimed, "Last time I went there I knocked up some Jewish chick ... they're STILL talkin' about it."

[The Valkyrie]

Three old codgers are sitting around the nursing home, talking about their sleeping patterns.

Bob says, "Go to bed at 9pm. Sleep soundly. Get up at 8am. Straight to the bathroom for a strong bowel movement."

Kyle smiles and says, ""Go to bed at 8pm. Sleep like a log. Get up and 8am and head straight for the bathroom for a strong bowel movement."

Bruce replies, "Go to bed at 8.30 pm. Sleep like a log. Strong bowel movement at 9am." and then bursts into tears.

"What's wrong with that, Bruce?" ask his concerned friends.

"I don't get up until 9.30!"

[Haipule]

A priest drives a nun to an appointment. On the way, the priest puts his hand on the nuns thigh. The nun quickly relays a book, chapter and verse from the bible. The priest immediately removes his hand.

On the way back the priest try's it again, and again the nun relays that verse.

Upon returning the priest looked up that verse which read, "Take courage and reach higher into glory!"

[Cyberman]

So .................. did you have a shit right there?

Well wouldn't you?

#closure