joke time

[ignoramus]

And she asked him if she could pay him with 'pussy', he took one look and asked:

I don't have any change.
Have you got anytink smaller?

[vulcanlogician]

OMG, Iggy! That hit the spot.

[chimp3]

Your Mama's armpits are so hairy it looks like she has Bob Marley in a headlock!

[Minimalist]

Feeling it was time for a shakeup, a Fortune 500 Company hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"   A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
 
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's”

[pocaracas]

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynaecologist have in common?

---

They both have to smell it, but neither of them get to eat it.

---

[Minimalist]

You young'uns have so much to look forward to.  An email I got from my older brother this morning.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
 
Gone are the days when girls used to   cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
 
You know that tingly little feeling you   get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your   body.
 
I didn’t make it to the gym today.  That   makes five years in a row.
 
I decided to stop calling the bathroom   the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to   the Jim this morning.  
 
Old age is coming at a really bad time.  
 
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup,   it feels like a small vacation.
 
The biggest lie I tell myself is...”I   don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
 
I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom   highlights"!  I’m just very wise.
 
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He   would’ve put them on my knees.
 
Last year I joined a support group for   procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
 
Why do I have to press one for English   when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand   anyway?
 
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I   need expert advice.
 
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking   into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
 
Actually I'm not complaining because I   am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager,   only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance   every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s   license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of   getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
 
Life is great.
 
I have more friends I should send this   to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
 
Now, I’m wondering…did I send this to   you, or did you send it to me?

[Brian37]

A bar walks into a guy.

Guy says, "I think I've had too much."

[Haipule]

I've told you a MILLION TIMES, "DON'T EXAGGERATE!"

[Brian37]

I've told you a MILLION TIMES, "DON'T EXAGGERATE!"

Oh fuck off, Trump's dick is longer than the sun to Uranus, DONT DENY IT.

[Haipule]

I've told you a MILLION TIMES, "DON'T EXAGGERATE!"

Oh fuck off, Trump's dick is longer than the sun to Uranus, DONT DENY IT.

With the new reflecting telescopes, you really can see Uranus with just two hands and a mirror!