joke time

[Fireball]

I like my steak not too smoky. Just enough to know that it had been on the grill.

I couldn't find a steak.

All I could find was a vegetarian sausage...

String bean, more likely.

[Darinda]

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.


He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.
 
Man started sobbing and said, “ you take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You really love your wife!!”

Man:  “No, Mine will arrive shortly”

[vulcanlogician]

Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

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They start taking down all Confederate statues next week.

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How do you know a blonde is trying to commit suicide?

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There are bullet holes in her mirror.

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[Little lunch]

Or his mirror. :-)

[Fireball]

Fred the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. 
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pullet surprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best
at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election; you can’t always hear the bells.

[downbeatplumb]

Patient: "Have you performed many surgeries?"

Surgeon: "Oh yes.  Hundreds!"

Patient:  "That's a relief.  I was worried I'd get a novice!"

Surgeon: "I'm no novice.  I'm just not very good."


True story.

The word you don't want to hear when you're on the operating table.

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Oops

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'I before E, Except After C'

Unless, of course, you happen to be an atheist seismologist with a weird, foreign  neighbour called Keith who received eight beige sleighs (with reindeer) in Leicester from feisty scientific caffeinated weightlifters. 

Boru

You need a freight train to carry all the exceptions to the rules in English.

[Edwardo Piet]

'I before E, Except After C'

Unless, of course, you happen to be an atheist seismologist with a weird, foreign  neighbour called Keith who received eight beige sleighs (with reindeer) in Leicester from feisty scientific caffeinated weightlifters. 

Boru

It's such a misnomious rule (a word I just made up. It's the adjective form of misnomer. Well, it isn't. But it is now).

There's actually far more cases where the rule DOESN'T hold:

[Little lunch]

Actually, I found this vid that highlights the whole issue.
https://youtu.be/duqlZXiIZqA

[vulcanlogician]

Yo mama's so fat...

...her memory foam mattress drinks to forget.

...when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell "taxi!"

...she sat on a nickel and got five pennies.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Insults (for those occasions when a heart-felt 'fuck you' just won't do)

-If you could fellate yourself, you'd suck at everything.

-I'm jealous of people who don't know you.

-Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

-Opposites attract, which means that you're destined to meet someone good looking, intelligent and cultured.

-Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?  I suggest a coma.

-I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

-Tell me what's on your mind - I could do with a bit of silence.

-What do you think of the human race?  I value an outsider's opinion.

-I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my arse.

-I'm not insulting you.  I'm describing you.

Boru