joke time

[Brian37]

Don't remember if this one has ever been submitted in this thread but here goes.

Jesus is at his last supper and says,

" Drink this wine for it is my blood"

Then says, "Eat this bread because it is my body"

Then says "Spread this Mayonnaise for it is"


Paul interrupted him and said, " I am going to have to stop you right there".

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Don't remember if this one has ever been submitted in this thread but here goes.

Jesus is at his last supper and says,

" Drink this wine for it is my blood"

Then says, "Eat this bread because it is my body"

Then says "Spread this Mayonnaise for it is"


Paul interrupted him and said, " I am going to have to stop you right there".

Did you make that up?

Boru

[Brian37]

Don't remember if this one has ever been submitted in this thread but here goes.

Jesus is at his last supper and says,

" Drink this wine for it is my blood"

Then says, "Eat this bread because it is my body"

Then says "Spread this Mayonnaise for it is"


Paul interrupted him and said, " I am going to have to stop you right there".

Did you make that up?

Boru

NO, got that joke from a friend on line. And even he read it from elsewhere. Some jokes/memes spread. I didn't mean to imply I came up with it.

---

Just like this following joke told to me back in the 80s.

This guy is traveling down a long lonely desert road in the middle of August, he is hot and thirsty, and says to himself  "Next bar, next pub I see, I am going to stop" 

About 20 miles later sure enough there is this dusty roadside bar. He parks, walks in, but to his surprise there is a horse standing in the middle of the bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "What gives, why is this horse standing in the middle of the bar?" The bartender points to a sign next to a barrel that says, "For 5 bucks a shot if you can get the horse to laugh, you get the barrel of money".  Guy  says ok. 

So he throws his first 5 bucks into the barrel, whispers in the horses ear, nothing happens.

Throws another five bucks in, whispers in the horses ear, still nothing.

Guy thinks, "Damn it, this is my last five bucks, something has to happen".

So he throws it in, whispers, and this time the horse starts laughing its ass off, rolling and knocking over tables and chairs.

So the guy picks up the barrel of money and leaves. BUT, that is not the end of the story.

So a year later in the same month of desert heat, he thinks the same thing, "I have to stop before I die from this heat".

So he ends up at the same bar, he walks in and the horse is still there, still laughing. He walks up to the bartender and asks "What gives, why is this horse still here?" The bartender points to the sign and it says, "For 5 bucks a shot, if you can get the horse to stop laughing, you get the barrel of money".

So the guy says, "What the fuck why not"

Throws 5 bucks into the barrel, whispers in the horse's ear........... NOTHING.

Throws 5 more bucks into the barrel, whispers ...... again nothing.


He says to himself, "This is my last 5 bucks, something has to happen".

But this time, he doesn't just whisper, he does something in front of the horse that suddenly makes it cry and moan and roll on the floor out of distress.

So the winner starts to pick up the barrel of money again, but the bouncer stops him and asks "How did you do that? I remember you from the first time".

The guy says, "Easy, first time I told him I had a dick bigger than his, the second time I showed him."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'I don't buy flowers for women because they die.'

'Yeah, well, so do the flowers.'

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A teacher assigned her young students to get a story with a moral from their parents and be ready to share it out the next day.

The following day, the teacher asked for volunteers to recite their stories, Joey stood up and said, ‘I live on a farm. Mom told me she was carrying a basket of eggs up to the house one day. She stumbled, dropped the basket, and every egg was broken. The moral is not to put all your eggs in one basket.’

Susie stood up next and said, ‘My mother is a librarian. She told me that people like to check out the books with colourful, flashy covers - they almost never check out books with plain, dull covers, even those some of those books contain the best stories. The moral is to never judge a book by its cover.’

Little Johnny stood up and said, ‘My dad told my about his aunt Louise. She was a pilot during the war, and one day she developed engine trouble over enemy territory. She had to bail out, and only had time to grab her parachute, a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete.

‘Aunt Louise drank the whole bottle of whiskey on the way down, and landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with her machine gun, then ran out of bullets. She killed twenty more with her machete until the blade broke. She killed the last ten with her bare hands.’

‘My goodness!’ said the teacher. ‘What is the moral of this frightening story?’

And Johnny said,

---

’Don’t fuck with Aunt Louise when she’s been drinking.’

---

Boru

[A. Secular Human]

An Amish woman is driving her horse-drawn buggy to town when she is stopped by a police officer.

‘I’m not going to cite you, ma’am,’ said the cop. ‘I just thought you should know that your rear reflector is broken. Could be dangerous.’

‘I thank thee,’ said the Amish lady. ‘I will tell my husband to repair it when I return home.’

‘Also,’ said the cop, ‘I notice that one of your reins is wrapped around the horse’s testicles.’

‘Again, I thank thee. I will tell my husband.’

Good as her word, when she returned home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would repair it immediately.

‘Also,’ continued the woman, ‘the officer was kind enough to say there’s something amiss with the emergency brake.’

Boru

I would think that would be the passing gear...

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

An Amish woman is driving her horse-drawn buggy to town when she is stopped by a police officer.

‘I’m not going to cite you, ma’am,’ said the cop. ‘I just thought you should know that your rear reflector is broken. Could be dangerous.’

‘I thank thee,’ said the Amish lady. ‘I will tell my husband to repair it when I return home.’

‘Also,’ said the cop, ‘I notice that one of your reins is wrapped around the horse’s testicles.’

‘Again, I thank thee. I will tell my husband.’

Good as her word, when she returned home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would repair it immediately.

‘Also,’ continued the woman, ‘the officer was kind enough to say there’s something amiss with the emergency brake.’

Boru

I would think that would be the passing gear...

Ever been kicked in the bollocks? It tends to make you stop whatever else you were doing.

Boru

[Fireball]

I would think that would be the passing gear...

Ever been kicked in the bollocks? It tends to make you stop whatever else you were doing.

Boru

It even stops time.  

[Darinda]

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife!
He said, “Why? Is she super-hot too?
I said, “No, she’s an optometrist!”

[The Valkyrie]

I gave a homeless guy $5 today.

An old woman behind me said, "He'll use it to buy drugs!"

So I confronted him about that.

"Where the hell can you get drugs for just $5?"