joke time

[A. Secular Human]

The Procrastinaters Club merting will again be postponed.

...

When I was teaching high school Physics and Chem, one of my fellow science teachers posted an official-looking notice on his door that said precisely that.

Weekly, random students would stop into his classroom to ask for the rescheduled time.  They were serious.  Pretty clearly not AP students...

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Me: That’s a beautiful dog.

Cop: Thanks. This is Rex, our newest drug sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training, I guess.

Cop: What?

Me: What?

Boru

[The Architect Of Fate]

-When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

-It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

-"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

[Brian37]

Brutus: 'Knife day we're having.'

Caesar: 'What?''

Cassius: *desperately miming 'shut up' *

Boru

Ides see what you did there....

[Darinda]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I once plunged a stake through a vampire’s heart. My wife was all, ‘You know you’re supposed to give them candy, right?’

Boru

[Darinda]

Italian Confession
 
 
Italian Confession
 
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went
To the local church for confession.
 
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
'Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our Neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.'
 
The priest replied: That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need To confess that.'
 
'There is more to tell, Father...
She started to repay me with sexual favors.

This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
 
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you Placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those Circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if You are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
 
'Thank you, Father.
That's a great load off of my mind.
I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.
 
'Should I tell her the war is
over?''

[Darinda]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the one.
“Well, not exactly.” his friend replied, “she’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?”
“Well, not exactly – I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.”

[vulcanlogician]

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to change the lightbulb. One for support. And four to relate to the experience.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Guitar players?

100. One to change the bulb and 99 to talk about how much better Clapton could have done it.

Boru