joke time

[A. Secular Human]

A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to be having an appendicitis attack.

“That’s impossible,” the physician replied. “She had an appendectomy last year. Why are you bothering me for something as stupid as that? Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?”

“No, you fool!” the husband replied. “Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?”

Must have been in Utah...

[Darinda]

Little Johnny ran into the room sobbing as though his heart would break.
“What’s the problem Johnny?” asked his mother.
“Oh, daddy was hanging a picture and he dropped it on his toe,” replied Johnny.
“Why, that’s nothing to cry about. You should be laughing at that,” said his mother.
“I did,” Johnny replied.

[vulcanlogician]

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade. If you are even one minute late for a test, do not bother handing it in, I will not grade it."

Throughout the semester he makes good on his promise, throwing out late papers and marking late students absent. At the end of the semester, the day before the final, he reminds the students to be on time or their tests will not be graded.

The next day all of the students arrive on time for the test, except for one. Twenty minutes into the test this last student casually walks into the class, goes to the front of the room, and picks up a test. He takes it to a desk and proceeds to fill in the answers.

The professor watches, first in annoyance, and then with an air of smug satisfaction at the life lesson he's about to deliver. "Just wait until he tries to turn it in and finds I won't grade it!"

The test period winds down and students start to hand in their tests. All the students, that is, except for the late student. As the pile of papers grows, so does the professor's anger. The late student continues to fill in his answers all the way to the end of the period, even going ten minutes over. Finally, he gets up to hand in his paper.

By this time, the professor is absolutely fuming. "How dare you!" He rants at the student. "Coming in late, staying after the bell has rung! Just who do you think you are?!"

The student gives the professor a scathing look. "Don't you *know who I am?"

"No," the professor scoffs, "I certainly do not!"

"Oh thank goodness!" says the student, relieved. He shoves his test into the middle of the stack of exams and runs out of the room.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Me why?

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

In any contest, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson will always lose to Dwayne 'The Paper' Johnson.

Boru

[polymath257]

In any contest, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson will always lose to Dwayne 'The Paper' Johnson.

Boru

What about Dwayne 'The Scissors' Johnson?

[Darinda]

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over, and whispers, “The wife did it.”

[Darinda]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son. what happened last night?’

‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’

Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’

His son replies, ‘Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!!’

[onlinebiker]

Birds charged with a crime are always denied bail. It seems they're a serious flight risk.

Boru

Not US!

Signed

The Penguins

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

Birds charged with a crime are always denied bail. It seems they're a serious flight risk.

Boru

Not US!

Signed

The Penguins

Bloke rushes into a bar and asks the barman "How tall is a Penguin?"

Bartender " Oh, less than a metre I think"

Bloke " Thank goodness for that! I thought I'd just run over a nun!"


When I was growing up, we referred to the local nuns as Penguins.