joke time

[A. Secular Human]

That story is surprisingly sweet!

WTF?  Are you OK?

The next day I set their house alight and left evidence it was Tommy, the only survivor.

That's my girl!

("That's my Doctor!" just doesn't have the right feel.)

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The next time you relocate, try to find a place next door to a successful dealer in stolen property. Why?

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Because good fences make good neighbours.

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Boru

[Darinda]

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..
“You died in your sleep, Harold.”
Harold was stunned. “I’m dead…? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”
St. Peter said, “Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to your house as a goldfish or as a hen.”
Harold never liked swimming and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. The chickens his wife raised just ran around pecking at the ground, no stress, and at least he’d still be close to her.

Harold replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.” The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground in his old backyard! Another hen strolled up and said, “So, you’re the new hen, nice to meet you. How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Harold, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the hen. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never..” said Harold.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Harold clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg. Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. It felt amazing. He never new it was like this! Just as he was about to lay his third egg, his wife called out to him. “Harold! Harold!”
Happiness filled Harold as he saw her running towards him. Knowing she was there to share this moment, he was overwhelmed by joy.

He clucked once, clucked twice, and suddenly felt his wife smack the back of his head. “Dammit, Harold wake up! You’re shitting the bed!”

[Gwaithmir]

Q.) Define atheism.

A.) None of the above. 

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A cowboy finishes his beer and walks out of the saloon, only to find out that his horse is gone. He walks back inside and says, ‘Which one-a you low-down sidewinders done stole my horse?’ Silence.

The cowboy draws his gun, spins it in the air, and catches it. He shoots three bulbs off the chandelier, a button off the bartender’s vest, and the hat off the piano player. He holsters the gun with a flourish and says, ‘Now, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me another beer. When I finish, my horse better be back at that hitching rail, cuz if he ain’t, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas. And believe me, I DON’T wanna have to do what I done in Texas!’

When he finishes his second beer, he goes outside to find that his horse has been returned, safe and sound. As he’s mounting up, the bartender steps outside and says, ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking, mister, but what happened in Texas?’

‘I had to walk home.’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

It's a hot day in the old West when the Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into a town.

Seeing the saloon, the Lone Ranger rides over jumps off his horse and says to Tonto, "I'm just going into the saloon for a quick beer. Since it's so hot, I'll need you to run in circles around Silver to create a breeze and keep him cool."

So, Tonto starts running in circles around the horse while Mr. Ranger goes into the saloon and has a cold beer.

He has a couple more and soon loses track of time.

A few hours later, a big cowboy walks into the saloon and shouts, "Who owns the big white horse out at the hitching post?"

The Lone Ranger stands up, his hand slipping down to his gun, "That horse is mine," he says in a low, threatening voice, "is there a problem?"

The saloon goes quiet.

The barman takes cover behind the bar.

The big cowboy responds, "I wanted you to know, you left your injun running!"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

When my wife asked me why I was hanging bunches of grapes to dry all over the house, I just smiled cryptically and said, 'I have my raisins.'

Boru

[A. Secular Human]

It's a hot day in the old West when the Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into a town.

Seeing the saloon, the Lone Ranger rides over jumps off his horse and says to Tonto, "I'm just going into the saloon for a quick beer.  Since it's so hot, I'll need you to run in circles around Silver to create a breeze and keep him cool."

So, Tonto starts running in circles around the horse while Mr. Ranger goes into the saloon and has a cold beer.

He has a couple more and soon loses track of time.

A few hours later, a big cowboy walks into the saloon and shouts, "Who owns the big white horse out at the hitching post?"

The Lone Ranger stands up, his hand slipping down to his gun, "That horse is mine," he says in a low, threatening voice, "is there a problem?"

The saloon goes quiet.

The barman takes cover behind the bar.

The big cowboy responds, "I wanted you to know, you left your injun running!"

I thought it was going to be something about turning into butter...

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

When I’m bored, I like to call a Best Western hotel. When they answer the phone, they say, ‘Best Western!’ and I say, ‘The original True Grit’ and hang up.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I went to my doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said, ‘They all look like that. Just put him back in the garden.’

Boru