joke time

[no one]

Why shouldn't you fight dinosaurs?

You get jurasskicked.

[A. Secular Human]

I went to my doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said, ‘They all look like that. Just put him back in the garden.’

Boru

The Gnomes will enjoy it.

[A. Secular Human]

It's a hot day in the old West when the Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into a town.

Seeing the saloon, the Lone Ranger rides over jumps off his horse and says to Tonto, "I'm just going into the saloon for a quick beer.  Since it's so hot, I'll need you to run in circles around Silver to create a breeze and keep him cool."

So, Tonto starts running in circles around the horse while Mr. Ranger goes into the saloon and has a cold beer.

He has a couple more and soon loses track of time.

A few hours later, a big cowboy walks into the saloon and shouts, "Who owns the big white horse out at the hitching post?"

The Lone Ranger stands up, his hand slipping down to his gun, "That horse is mine," he says in a low, threatening voice, "is there a problem?"

The saloon goes quiet.

The barman takes cover behind the bar.

The big cowboy responds, "I wanted you to know, you left your injun running!"

I thought it was going to be something about turning into butter...

I'm guessing few remember the "Sambo's" restaurant chain?

As in "Little Black Sambo"?

Look it up, if you want to learn of one of the most racist restaurant concepts ever considered.

And yes, I'm as old as dirt.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man walks into a bar, clearly depressed. 'What's the trouble?' asks the bartender.

Despondent, the man says, 'I just found out that my wife is having an affair, so I'm going to drink myself to death. Whiskey, dammit!'

'Sorry for your trouble,' says the bartender, 'but I can't help you take your own life.'

'Well, what would you do in my situation?'

'I certainly wouldn't kill myself,' answers the barman. 'If I found out that my wife was having an affair, I'd kill the guy.'

'That's a great idea,' says the man, and runs out of the bar.

A few hours go by and the bartender is getting more and more nervous, hoping he hasn't just talked someone into committing a murder. Finally the customer comes back in with a big smile on his face and plonks himself down at the bar. 'Well,' says the  bartender, 'did you kill the guy?'

'Nope,' says the man. 'I slept with your wife. Whiskey, dammit!'

Boru

[A. Secular Human]

A man walks into a bar, clearly depressed. 'What's the trouble?' asks the bartender.

Despondent, the man says, 'I just found out that my wife is having an affair, so I'm going to drink myself to death. Whiskey, dammit!'

'Sorry for your trouble,' says the bartender, 'but I can't help you take your own life.'

'Well, what would you do in my situation?'

'I certainly wouldn't kill myself,' answers the barman. 'If I found out that my wife was having an affair, I'd kill the guy.'

'That's a great idea,' says the man, and runs out of the bar.

A few hours go by and the bartender is getting more and more nervous, hoping he hasn't just talked someone into committing a murder. Finally the customer comes back in with a big smile on his face and plonks himself down at the bar. 'Well,' says the  bartender, 'did you kill the guy?'

'Nope,' says the man. 'I slept with your wife. Whiskey, dammit!'

Boru

I think I did calculus, to figure that one out.

(I'm running a little slow, today.)

[The Valkyrie]

Him, "Do you have s step ladder?"

Me, "Yes. I never knew my real ladder."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Jesus: Aww, I don’t wanna stay with Joseph and Mary this weekend!

God: Son, you know the deal. You can live here with Me, but Christmas and Easter you spend with them.

Jesus: Christmas and what?

God: …what…

Boru

[Darinda]

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

The guy says, “No, ma’am.”

She says, “Well, do you have any dates?”

And he says, “Ma’am, if I don’t have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?”

[The Valkyrie]

Once upon a time, in an undersea kingdom, a fish princess fell in love with a crab commoner.

The king found out about it and forbade his daughter from ever seeing a "side walking commoner' ever again.

Devastated, the princess went to see the crab and told him of her father's decision, "he said I can't see you again, and that he will never let me be seen with someone who walks sideways!"

The crab was heartbroken and scuttled off, sideways, of course.

That night there was a royal ball at the palace, attended not only by the fish-king and fish-princess, but also by all of the noble fish of the kingdom.

At the height of the celebration, the ball-room doors crashed open, and there, at the top of the stairs, stood the crab-commoner.

The music stopped.

Silence fell across the ballroom, except for a few whispers from some who had heard rumours of the affair of the princess and a crab.

The crab took a faltering step down the red carpet, walking forward

There was a gasp from the watching fish.

The crab took another forward step. Then another, making his way along the carpet, until he stood before the throne and the astonished king and excited princess.

Looking up at the king, the crab slurred...

---

"I am SO fucking drunk right now!!"

---

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

It’s too soon to make OJ Simpson jokes. I’ll take a stab at it tomorrow.

Boru