Tis the Season of Bull Shit

[Cinjin]

That's right folks - a thread dedicated to anything and everything absurdly stupid about the stolen pagan holiday now known as Christmas.
Here in the good ole USA we have the horrible time-honored tradition of starting Christmas the day after Thanksgiving. Endless sanity-destroying christmas carols everywhere. Nativity scenes being pulled out of every fucktard's ass from coast to coast. Charities capitalizing on the guilt left behind from rampant violent consumerism. Christards pretending that every little event is suddenly a christmas miracle, and the list goes on and on and on.


I'm going to go ahead and start it out with this giant steaming turd of a christmas song called, Christmas Shoes and I promise to post regular christmas stupidity on a regular basis until the 25th of December mercifully passes us by only to torture us yet again next year.


Anyway, a horrible song called Christmas Shoes:





Lyrics (my thoughts in red):
It was almost Christmas time There I stood in another line Trying to buy that last gift or two
I'm really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me Was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing around like little boys doAnd in his hands he held A pair of shoes

And his clothes were worn and old He was dirty from head to toe Really? A little on the verbose side with the Charles Dickens don't you think douche?
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please You couldn't believe a boy wants to buy his mom a present?

It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile

And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight. Jesus don't give a shit, he's dead.
Besides, why not just ask jesus to save your mom instead of buying some lame ass shoes?? Oh that's right, nevermind

They counted pennies for what seem like years Pennies??? Again with the over the top Charles Dickenesque sob story.
And cashier says son there's not enough here
He searches his pockets frantically
And he turned and he looked at me
And he said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Most years she just did without Sure a little boy said THOSE words. Whatever.
Tell me Sir
What am I gonna do?
Some how I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes Translation: Don't you feel guilty, give me some money you fuck!

So I layed the money down
I just had to help him out once again, Jesus can't seem to even provide the poor with some fucking shoes.
And I'll never forget
The look on his face
When he said Mamma's gonna look so great.

Sir I wanna buy these shoes, for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size shoes come in all sizes
Could you hurry Sir...

I knew I caught a glimpse of heavens love as he thanked me and ran out. Funny how people KNOW things that no one else can see.
I know that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about ... stimulating the economy by buying presents for ungrateful bastards and absolving yourself of your selfishness by putting a dollar in the Salvation Army's pot in front of Walmart.

...
You see she's been sick for quite a while ...and my prayers haven't done jack shit
And I know these shoes will make her smile ... if she doesn't die first
And I want her to look beautiful
If Mamma meets Jesus tonight

I want her to look beautiful
If Mamma meets Jesus tonight Hey thanks for depressing the SHIT out of everyone during the holidays you sappy fuck.

[Minimalist]

The WORST and by WORST I mean the ABSOLUTE FUCKING WORST thing about fucking xmas is that syrupy, sappy, annoying, redundant, horseshitty fucking shit that passes for music constantly blaring over loudspeakers in every fucking store.

I would gladly string Bing Fucking Crosby up by his balls to get him to STFU about "white xmas."

I hate fucking snow, too.

And fuck jesus for good measure.

[Vincenzo Vinny G.]

I'm not a hater. I'm cool with people celebrating whatever they want however they want.

It's tempting to celebrate it as a fictional holiday, but historians consider Jesus to be a real figure, so it's hard to go down that route.

I just focus on having fun without being a jerk.

[Voltron]

I barely tolerate the shit. I find myself hating it more and more every year. Once the kids are out of the house, I will officially become a bona fide scrooge to the max.

[Cinjin]

The WORST and by WORST I mean the ABSOLUTE FUCKING WORST thing about fucking xmas is that syrupy, sappy, annoying, redundant, horseshitty fucking shit that passes for music constantly blaring over loudspeakers in every fucking store.

THIS

[Faith No More]

I die a little bit inside every time I hear the phrase "war on Christmas."

[Minimalist]

[Cyberman]

My interest in this bit of our orbit has completely evaporated for the last couple of years, for obvious reasons that are already on record. However, even before then, there were parts that made me embarrassed to be human. For instance, it used to be the case that the BBC would present a series of news 'specials' (a most appropriate word) in the form of newsflashes covering the Ickle Baby Jesus story as if it were happening live. Yes, I just threw up in my mouth as well.

Then there's all the xmas songs in the shops, as Min says. Generally I didn't particularly mind these, particularly the greatest xmas song of all time presented here by everybody's favourite babysitter:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6YbLZf8i...re=related

On the other hand, for every Slade and Wizzard, or even a criminally foot-tappin' In Dulce Jubilo, there was a Johnny Mathis and his "When A Child Is Born", a Boney M's "Mary's Boy Child" or the absolute worst offender, "Stop The Fuck-shitting Cavalry". Now I can't say I've got anything against it as a song. It's got a nice catchy rhythm and a distinctively memorable bounce to it. My gripe against it is quite simple: it's got nothing to do with xmas, yet it's on every shop's xmas playlist - and I do mean every single one. You walk out of one shop as it finishes, and go into another one to have the pleasure of hearing it start again. The song's about war, for crying out loud, an eternal soldier wishing he was at home instead of in the trenches of the Great War right up to Thatcher and Reagans nuclear fap fantasy (it came out in 1980). The only reference to anything xmassy is the line "wish I was at home for xmas", and its later repeat, then some jingle bell nonsense. That, apparently, is what makes it a seasonal favourite. It's like sticking the words "Star Wars" on a biro and selling it as official merchandise; or my favourite that I saw back when this film came out - and I swear I'm not making this up - "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Medium Sliced Loaf".

[Shell B]

I love Christmas. I love the lights. I love the snow. I love the happy kids. I love warm socks and fires. I love hot chocolate. I love Frosty and Rudolph. I think Christmas trees are boss. I like silver and gold, blue and silver, Dr. Seuss and every other Christmas color scheme. I like shitty needlework throw pillows and hand towels that are pretty, but don't work. I like Christmas flavored everything except mint. I love stockings. I even like mangers. I love ice sculptures, watching people ice skate and I love, love, love "It's a Wonderful Life." The music sucks and so does the consumerism, but I love everything else. I even love Scrooges.

[Minimalist]