joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A nun is having a bath when there's a knock on the door. A bit startled, she asks, 'Who's there?' A deep male voice replies, 'Blind man. Can I come in?'

Well the nun thinks to herself since he's blind it'll be alright. and she calls out, 'Yes, you may come in.'

The man walks in, takes a good, long look and says, 'Nice tits, sister. Now where should I hang these blinds?'

Boru

[DramaQueen]

God thinks this thread is good. And then on the seventh day he took a rest.

[Thumpalumpacus]

One day a lone gorilla wanders down to the watering hole to get a drink. At the watering hole there's a big lion. Now, the gorilla hasn't had any ass in a few months, and is a little hard-up, so while the lion is focused on slaking his thirst the gorilla runs down there and butt-rapes the lion.

Of course, the angry lion immediately starts chasing the gorilla through the jungle. At first the gorilla has a good lead, but it's shrinking, and the gorilla can hear the lion getting closer. In a stroke of luck he runs across a hunter's camp, replete with tent and outside table, set up in a clearing. Thinking quick, the gorilla runs into the tent, dons some khakis and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of the Nairobi Times, and sits down at the table reading the paper right as the lion comes screaming through the clearing.

"Hey, did you see a gorilla come running through here just a couple of minutes ago?" the lion asks.

"You mean the one who butt-raped the lion down at the watering hole?"

The lion slaps his forehead, stunned. "Jesus Christ," he says, "It's hit the papers already?"

[Cyberman]

Guy goes into work and apologises for being late.

"My daughter was raped this morning," he said.

"Oh my god," said his boss, "is she alright?"

"Meh," says the guy, "I've had better."

(Sorry.)

[Thumpalumpacus]

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[ManMachine]

How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

Poke her face.


MM

[ignoramus]

OK, last one, I promise.

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb.
5.

One to deny the electron theory of electricity
One to put a bulb in
One to pray for enlightenment
One to flick the switch
One to proclaim a miracle has occured

Then they all stand around and pat each other on the back.

(That just about sums it up)

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A suicide bomber carries out his mission and is instantly transported to Paradise. Upon arrival, however, Thomas Jefferson walks up and - without a word - punches him dead in the face. He's standing there bleeding when, out of nowhere, George Washington calmly steps forward and kicks him in the balls. While he's crumpled on the ground, holding himself and moaning, James Madison stops by and tears off one of the man's ears.

Before anyone else shows up to do him further harm, the bomber crawls away and lo! encounters the prophet Mohammed.

'Oh Prophet! Oh Elect of Allah!,' the injured man begs. 'What is happening to me? I died in the service of jihad and was promised 72 virgins here in Paradise.'

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' answers Mohammed. 'That's a mistranslation. It was supposed to read "72 Virginians." '

Boru

[Diablo]

[Cyberman]

Katie Price has been quoted as saying "My death might be a Diana moment".

Yeah, we all wish it had happened in 1997 too.