Posts: 25314
Threads: 239
Joined: August 26, 2010
Reputation:
156
RE: joke time
January 19, 2015 at 7:28 pm
You know how sometimes you see something that's so sick and horrible, yet strangely so funny that you hate yourself even for smiling involuntarily? I've just found one:
What's pink and rusty?
I'm so, so sorry...
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
Posts: 46323
Threads: 540
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
January 19, 2015 at 7:54 pm
Wow.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 25314
Threads: 239
Joined: August 26, 2010
Reputation:
156
RE: joke time
January 20, 2015 at 4:48 am
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a priest?
A priest doesn't go limp when a child enters the room.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
Posts: 5690
Threads: 8
Joined: April 3, 2014
Reputation:
68
RE: joke time
January 20, 2015 at 7:04 am
Guess who I bumped into on the way to the optician.
Only fucking everyone. :-)
Posts: 3405
Threads: 33
Joined: July 17, 2013
Reputation:
43
RE: joke time
January 20, 2015 at 7:20 am
Do you know why my humour picks up cotton in the plantations?
It's very, very dark.
(shit, that was racist as fuck)
"Every luxury has a deep price. Every indulgence, a cosmic cost. Each fiber of pleasure you experience causes equivalent pain somewhere else. This is the first law of emodynamics [sic]. Joy can be neither created nor destroyed. The balance of happiness is constant.
Fact: Every time you eat a bite of cake, someone gets horsewhipped.
Facter: Every time two people kiss, an orphanage collapses.
Factest: Every time a baby is born, an innocent animal is severely mocked for its physical appearance. Don't be a pleasure hog. Your every smile is a dagger. Happiness is murder.
Vote "yes" on Proposition 1321. Think of some kids. Some kids."
Posts: 3405
Threads: 33
Joined: July 17, 2013
Reputation:
43
RE: joke time
January 20, 2015 at 8:13 am
I'm a proud father of thousands of children...
"Every luxury has a deep price. Every indulgence, a cosmic cost. Each fiber of pleasure you experience causes equivalent pain somewhere else. This is the first law of emodynamics [sic]. Joy can be neither created nor destroyed. The balance of happiness is constant.
Fact: Every time you eat a bite of cake, someone gets horsewhipped.
Facter: Every time two people kiss, an orphanage collapses.
Factest: Every time a baby is born, an innocent animal is severely mocked for its physical appearance. Don't be a pleasure hog. Your every smile is a dagger. Happiness is murder.
Vote "yes" on Proposition 1321. Think of some kids. Some kids."
Posts: 25314
Threads: 239
Joined: August 26, 2010
Reputation:
156
RE: joke time
January 21, 2015 at 2:29 pm
Manliness Test
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No big concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetiser is to entrée.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Scoring Guide:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!"
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
Posts: 46323
Threads: 540
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
January 21, 2015 at 7:24 pm
If more online quizzes were like that, I'd spend more time online.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Nice envolope pushing.
![[Image: 400px-The_Sewer_Mutants.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=oyster.ignimgs.com%2Fmediawiki%2Fapis.ign.com%2Ffuturama%2Fthumb%2Fa%2Fa2%2FThe_Sewer_Mutants.jpg%2F400px-The_Sewer_Mutants.jpg)
