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RE: joke time
October 23, 2015 at 11:18 am
A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender reaches under the counter, grabs an apple and hands it to the man. "I don't think you heard me right, I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender replied "Just take a bite." So the man takes a bite and says "Wow! This tastes just like rum!" To which the bartender replied "Turn it around." The man turns it around and takes a bite. "Wow! It tastes just like coke!"
A little while later another man walks in, takes a seat next to the first man and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender grabs an apple and hands it to him and the first man says "Trust me just try it." The second man takes a bite and says "What the hell?! This tastes just like gin!" to which the bartender replies "Turn it around." He turns it around and takes a bite I says "It's just like tonic!"
About 10 minutes later a midget walks in and takes a seat next to the other 2 men. "What can I get you?" Says the bartender. "I'm not really sure what I want yet, give me a minute." Says the midget. The first man says "Hey, no matter what you order this bartender has an apple that tastes just like it!" The midget says "Do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?" The bartender gets a smirk on his face, grabs an apple and hands it to the midget. The midget examines the apple for a couple seconds before taking a bite. He immediately spits it out and yells "This tastes like shit!" The bartender looks and him and says "Turn it around."
CHRISTIANITY: The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
Makes perfect sense.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
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RE: joke time
October 23, 2015 at 7:24 pm
A wee, mousy little fella walks into the pub and asks, 'Pardon me, gents, but who owns that gigantic mastiff chained up outside?'
A great, hairy brute of a man stands up off his barstool, looms over the little 'un, and says, 'He's my dog. What of it?'
Nervous as can be, shuffling uneasily from foot to foot, the smaller man stammers, 'I'm terribly sorry to be sure, but...erm...well...it seems that my dog has just killed your dog.'
Taken aback, the big man asks, 'God in heaven, what kind of a dog have you got?'
'A teacup Chihuahua, begging your pardon.'
'WHAT??' roars the giant. 'How in the blue fuck could your Chihuahua have killed my mastiff?'
'Well, it appears he got lodged in his throat.'
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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RE: joke time
October 23, 2015 at 10:46 pm
Bought a pastie for lunch today and decided to put some antipasti on it. Now I can't find it.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
October 23, 2015 at 11:54 pm
So, these two guys walk into a bar.
You'd think the second on would've ducked. 
Thief and assassin for hire. Member in good standing of the Rogues Guild.
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RE: joke time
October 24, 2015 at 3:27 am
Two Irishmen walked into a pub...and were never heard from again.
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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RE: joke time
October 25, 2015 at 12:36 pm
These two hikers were hiking through the woods when they came upon a clearing where there was a huge ferocious bear.
Bear: GGGRRRRRROARRRRR!
The first hiker carefully kicked off his hiking boots and ever so carefully reached into his back pack and slowly withdrew his running shoes.
Second hiker: You’ve got to be kidding. There’s no way you can outrun a bear.
First hiker: Oh, I don’t have to outrun the bear. All I have to do is outrun you.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
October 25, 2015 at 1:13 pm
(This post was last modified: October 25, 2015 at 1:14 pm by BrianSoddingBoru4.)
Two lesbians, a priest, an alligator, a boy scout, an airline pilot, a sous chef, a refrigerator, an inkjet printer, six footballers, a Doberman Pinscher, a stamp collector, a cardiologist, Tony Blair, Frankenstein's monster, a length of twine, Julius Caesar, and a bowling ball all walk into a bar.
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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RE: joke time
October 25, 2015 at 1:15 pm
LMFAO that made me laugh far more than it should have LOL
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RE: joke time
October 25, 2015 at 2:27 pm
(October 25, 2015 at 1:15 pm)Evie Wrote: LMFAO that made me laugh far more than it should have LOL Hope your bladder was empty and there were no sharp objects within your immediate vicinity.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
October 25, 2015 at 3:13 pm
You mean like that time I sat on a screwdriver? Ouch... I couldn't speak.
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