joke time

[Edwardo Piet]

LOL

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is...[mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!".

[Minimalist]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in. 
 
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
 
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" 
 
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
 
Afterwards, she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
 
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?"
 
She explained, “The egg timer's broken."

[ApeNotKillApe]

Why is Ray Charles not allowed to drive?




Because he's fucking dead.

[Edwardo Piet]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

What chicken? "The chicken"? Why are we using "the" before this chicken has been previously mentioned? That's fucking silly.

Okay so, why did a chicken cross the road?

What road? Which road? Same fucking problem

Okay so why did a chicken cross a road?

...

I'm waiting for the answer I'm not asking myself here. What do you think this is, some sort of joke?

[Rhondazvous]

Don’t know if this qualifies as an anti-joke, but here goes.

Three disabled men are at a bar, one is blind, one is deaf and one’s in a wheelchair.
Jesus enters, walks up to the deaf man and lays hand on his ears. They pop open.

Deaf man: Oh wow! I can hear a gnat pissing on cotton.

Then Jesus lays hands on the blind man’s eyes and they pop open.

Blind man: Oh wow! I can see the boogers up an ant’s nose.

Then Jesus reaches for the man in the wheelchair, but he rolls out of his reach.
Man in Wheelchair: Don’t tough me. I’m on disability.

[pgrimes15]

"Doctor doctor, I've got a strawberry growing out of my ear !"

"Don't worry. I've got some cream for that."

[Edwardo Piet]

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"It's me again don't you recognize my voice? I visit you every weekend."



Don't believe the hype :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bl461mVrMFo

[downbeatplumb]

A jew, a Muslim and a Christian walk into a bar. what a wonderful example of cultural integration.

[Cyberman]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It had escaped from the farm and was looking for somewhere to hide.

[Rhondazvous]

A test mouse escaped from the laboratory where scientists had been running experiments to determine the effects of nicotine.

The mouse ran into a field where wild mice were playing and for the first time was absolutely free to do what he wanted and go where he wanted.
He stayed with the wild mice all day, laughing and frolicking with abandon.

Then at the end of the day the mouse headed back to the lab.

The wild mouse were puzzled.

Wild mice: Why would you go back? You’re free?
Test mouse: Yeah, but I need a cigarette.