joke time

[Darinda]

"Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.   
 
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained: "as there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around" he stated.
 
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.   'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.  
 
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'  
 
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
 
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked. me straight in the face and said:  'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'  
 
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter.  Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10 and sent on his way.  The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

[Dave B]

Anecdote from an RAF base in Cold War Germany, more or less as related by a friend . . .

(You have to imagine the bit in italics as being in a strong German accent.) 

A detachment of Aussies got in really well with the locals, especially the local police who looked after the main gates. My mate was learning German and had asked these coppers to help him by always speaking German to him. But, after only two days of their Antipodean guests my mate was off out into town and greeted the gate guard, "Guten Morgen mein Freund!" The reply was, "Guten Morgen,  mein cobber, es ist ein fair dinkum tag, ja?"

[pocaracas]

Since we're in German...

[Minimalist]

Mable checked into a Motel on her 75th Birthday.  She was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age, so she decided to risk an adventure.


She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.  He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.  I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage.  I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.  No, wait, I should be straight with you.  I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.  I want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go at it all night, tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!  Now how does that sound?”

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[Brian37]

From the "How else would you advertise it?" Files, just bought some chemical toilet unclog liquid. On the label it says " Professional Strength"

Well? What else would you say, " Unprofessional and Weak, shit doesn't work, don't bother."?

[Darinda]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN

10. YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD .44 FOR TWO NEW .22's.

9. YOU CAN KEEP ONE GUN AT HOME AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR
WHEN YOU'RE TRAVELLING.

8. IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S GUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE
PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

7 .YOUR PRIMARY GUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER GUN
FOR BACKUP.

6. YOUR GUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF
AMMO.

5. A GUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

4. GUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3. A GUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK
FAT?"

2. A GUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE
IT.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

[Dave B]

[Haipule]

People ask my why I don't wear my hair in a ponytail. Because I noticed in nature that underneath every tail, there's an asshole.

---

Haha, no I haven't seen that. The Young Ones were actually before my time but I'm a big fan and I've seen them all because my parents were big fans.

The Young Ones were early 80s, of course, and I was born in 88. But I grew up with Bottom though. I saw that as a kid (lol no wonder I'm so fucked up right? )! Lol. And then my parents introduced me to The Young Ones.

https://youtu.be/AkGNJWw9Hj4

[Cod]

It's been raining for days now and my wife seems so depressed by it. She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues I'm going to have to let her back in.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

During the Famine, an Irish farmer and his sixteen years old daughter were on the brink of starvation - no food in the cupboard, no livestock in the barn, no crops in the field.

In desperation the girl goes to her father and in a voice trembling with shame tells him that the only way out of their horrid situation is for her to go up to Belfast and become a prostitute.

Upon hearing this, the farmer - no longer faint with hunger -  leaps out of his chair and begins berating the poor girl.  'How DARE you!,' he thunders. 'We may be poor, but we have our pride. I would sooner starve like a dog in the gutter than have you bring such shame on our family!!'

'But Da,' says the terrified girl, 'it wouldn't be for always.  I'd just become a prostitute long enough for us to get back on our feet.'

'Oh, prostitute,' says the father.  'That's alright then.  For a moment, I thought you said you were going to become a protestant.'

Boru