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RE: joke time
October 15, 2014 at 7:49 pm
A textual critic is sent to the market by his wife. She tells him, 'Get a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six.'
He returns a half-hour later with six cartons of milk. She says, 'Why the HELL did you get six cartons of milk!?'
He replies, 'They had eggs.'
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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RE: joke time
October 15, 2014 at 9:10 pm
They say that Jesus is the lamb of God.
Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
Dying to live, living to die.
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RE: joke time
October 16, 2014 at 4:29 am
During his retirement, Sir Winston and Lady Churchill were showing a lady guest round the grounds at Chartwell.
Admiring the rose garden, the guest said to Churchill, 'These are absolutely beautiful, Sir Winston. What's your secret?'
'Manure, my dear,' answered Churchill. 'Lots and lots of manure and the fresher the better.'
'Really, Sir Winston,' chided the woman, 'you should learn to call it fertilizer.'
'Not much hope of that,' put in Lady Churchill. 'It's taken me twenty years to get him to call it manure.'
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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RE: joke time
October 17, 2014 at 12:42 pm
An engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan and Iraq.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof!
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RE: joke time
October 18, 2014 at 11:12 pm
This actually happened for real, back when I was working in the Department for Work and Pensions. I had gone out to another section to deliver some paperwork and when I got back to our office, I saw one of my colleagues having trouble with the photocopier. I stopped and tried to help, but it still wasn't working.
Then we were joined by a third colleague, and a fourth, all crowding round the machine and trying to figure out what was wrong with it.
It was then that one of our Line Managers, Julie, walked past and said, quite nonchalantly and brilliantly: "How many Civil Servants does it take to mend a photocopier?"
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
October 20, 2014 at 9:32 pm
Who's the most popular guy on the nudist beach?
The one who can carry a drink in each hand, and a dozen doughnuts.
Who's the most popular woman on the nudist beach?
The one who can eat the last doughnut.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
October 20, 2014 at 9:57 pm
I went to the cinema yesterday and watched a film about cheese. It was G rated.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
October 20, 2014 at 11:44 pm
(This post was last modified: October 20, 2014 at 11:44 pm by JeffofGallifrey.)
 Catching up on this thread after, like, a week, is amazing beyond words. Thanks, guys.
A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass
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RE: joke time
October 22, 2014 at 10:39 am
(This post was last modified: October 22, 2014 at 10:40 am by Cyberman.)
It was our wedding anniversary yesterday and my wife was in reminiscent mood.
"Do you remember our very first date?" she purred in my ear.
"Sure do," I said, "we went for a meal at Yates's Wine Lodge. That evening always makes me think of a Stradivarius."
That made her giggle. "Because we made beautiful music?"
"No," I said. "It was a vile inn."
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
October 22, 2014 at 6:24 pm
A blonde bought herself one of the new high-end Jaguars and is happily tooling about the countryside.
About an hour into her drive, the engine begins to sputter and soon stops completely. After failing to re-start it, she gets on her mobile and calls for a breakdown truck.
When the man arrives, she explains what the car was doing before it died. He lifts the bonnet and within a very short time, has the engine running as smoothly as ever.
'Thank you SO much,' says the blonde. 'What was the trouble?'
'Just shit in the fuel line,' he tells her.
'Oh, no,' she groans. 'How often am I going to have to do THAT?'
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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