joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A textual critic is sent to the market by his wife. She tells him, 'Get a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six.'

He returns a half-hour later with six cartons of milk. She says, 'Why the HELL did you get six cartons of milk!?'

He replies, 'They had eggs.'

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

They say that Jesus is the lamb of God.

Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

During his retirement, Sir Winston and Lady Churchill were showing a lady guest round the grounds at Chartwell.

Admiring the rose garden, the guest said to Churchill, 'These are absolutely beautiful, Sir Winston. What's your secret?'

'Manure, my dear,' answered Churchill. 'Lots and lots of manure and the fresher the better.'

'Really, Sir Winston,' chided the woman, 'you should learn to call it fertilizer.'

'Not much hope of that,' put in Lady Churchill. 'It's taken me twenty years to get him to call it manure.'

Boru

[Minimalist]

An engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan and Iraq.



He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.



It's doing well.



He says prophets are going through the roof!

[Cyberman]

This actually happened for real, back when I was working in the Department for Work and Pensions. I had gone out to another section to deliver some paperwork and when I got back to our office, I saw one of my colleagues having trouble with the photocopier. I stopped and tried to help, but it still wasn't working.

Then we were joined by a third colleague, and a fourth, all crowding round the machine and trying to figure out what was wrong with it.

It was then that one of our Line Managers, Julie, walked past and said, quite nonchalantly and brilliantly: "How many Civil Servants does it take to mend a photocopier?"

[Cyberman]

Who's the most popular guy on the nudist beach?

The one who can carry a drink in each hand, and a dozen doughnuts.

Who's the most popular woman on the nudist beach?

The one who can eat the last doughnut.

[Cyberman]

I went to the cinema yesterday and watched a film about cheese. It was G rated.

[JeffofGallifrey]

Catching up on this thread after, like, a week, is amazing beyond words. Thanks, guys.

---

A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass

[Cyberman]

It was our wedding anniversary yesterday and my wife was in reminiscent mood.

"Do you remember our very first date?" she purred in my ear.

"Sure do," I said, "we went for a meal at Yates's Wine Lodge. That evening always makes me think of a Stradivarius."

That made her giggle. "Because we made beautiful music?"

"No," I said. "It was a vile inn."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A blonde bought herself one of the new high-end Jaguars and is happily tooling about the countryside.

About an hour into her drive, the engine begins to sputter and soon stops completely. After failing to re-start it, she gets on her mobile and calls for a breakdown truck.

When the man arrives, she explains what the car was doing before it died. He lifts the bonnet and within a very short time, has the engine running as smoothly as ever.

'Thank you SO much,' says the blonde. 'What was the trouble?'

'Just shit in the fuel line,' he tells her.

'Oh, no,' she groans. 'How often am I going to have to do THAT?'

Boru