joke time

[Cyberman]

Did you know that you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a bowl of water?

If it sinks, it's a girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.

[Grasshopper]

As told by Ronald Reagan.

In the former USSR, Gorbachev speaks to the Comissar

Gorbachev - comrade comissar, tell me how many kilos of potatoes we've grown this year

Comissar - we have enough potatoes to reach the foot of god.

Gorbachev - comrade comissar this is a communist state. . . There is no god

comissar- that's okay there aren't any potatoes

[Cyberman]

As told by Gorbachev:

Two men go to buy some bread. They get to the shop and see the queue is at least a mile long. Nonetheless, they take their place and wait.

Two hours later they haven't moved. The first man says, "I've had enough of this. I'm going to kill Gorbachev."

So off he goes.

A bit later, he comes back and stands next to his friend, who still hasn't moved.

"Did you kill him?" he asked.

"No," said the man. "There was an even bigger queue."

[Grasshopper]

As told by Gorbachev:

Two men go to buy some bread. They get to the shop and see the queue is at least a mile long. Nonetheless, they take their place and wait.

Two hours later they haven't moved. The first man says, "I've had enough of this. I'm going to kill Gorbachev."

So off he goes.

A bit later, he comes back and stands next to his friend, who still hasn't moved.

"Did you kill him?" he asked.

"No," said the man. "There was an even bigger queue."

Awesome

[Marsellus Wallace]

Q: What’s the new French flag look like?
A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!

(not related to recent events tho, its about WWII)

[robvalue]

What do you call a man with bananas in his ears? Anything you like, he can't hear you. But he's probably called Ray.

What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.

[Cyberman]

I was in Shell's bedroom this morning, watching the cat playing with the cord hanging from the curtains. I pondered the difference between our intellect and theirs, how they can be so amused by the simplest things.

Then I thought, you're sitting here watching a cat play with a bit of string...

[Cyberman]

Couple of months ago I went to see a spiritualist healer for my depression. She told me I had to "release my third eye".

Long story short: my court date came through this morning.

[Cyberman]

I've discovered why women need so many pairs of shoes.

It's because they spend so much time on their feet, walking around shops.

Buying shoes.

[robvalue]

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John* were comparing the stories they had each written about the legend of Jesus.

"You've all been copying me, do your own work!" says Mark.

"I haven't," said John. Everyone looked at his stories carefully, and Luke asked, "What's all this? Instead of imparting his wisdom to people in your stories, you've got cows floating down from the sky, and he talks to them!"

"You told me to do that!" said John.

"No I didnt!" said Luke.

"You did! You said Jesus always taught parabulls."

*The names have been changed to protect their identities.