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RE: joke time
April 29, 2015 at 4:40 pm
(April 29, 2015 at 9:45 am)Stimbo Wrote: Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by the police.
"Do you know how fast you were going, sir?"
"No, but I do know where I am."
ahem...
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Religious Views: Carlin got it right. Why fuss?
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#506
RE: joke time
23rd April 2015, 10:26
A cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg and says, 'Sir, do you know how fast you were going?'
Heisenberg responds, 'NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am.'
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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RE: joke time
April 29, 2015 at 5:47 pm
Jokes about Heisenberg don't work very well. You can only read the setup or the punchline, but not both.
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RE: joke time
April 29, 2015 at 6:31 pm
(This post was last modified: April 29, 2015 at 6:32 pm by Cyberman.)
(April 29, 2015 at 4:40 pm)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: ahem...
Yeah, but can you be certain you said it first?
Anyway, I told it better. 
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
April 30, 2015 at 2:05 am
Why did the boy drop his ice-cream cone?
He got hit by a truck.
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RE: joke time
April 30, 2015 at 2:30 am
A priest is lost on a Savannah while doing missionary work in Africa
He comes across two hungry looking lions, ready to jump at his throat
So the priest, being a good and godly man, starts to pray
'Please, Lord, let those animals have Christian feelings'
The lions stop and say 'Bless us, o lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ, our lord, Amen'
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RE: joke time
April 30, 2015 at 7:02 am
What do you do if a bit of your clock snaps off?
Go to the second hand shop.
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RE: joke time
April 30, 2015 at 9:49 am
New research suggests that masturbation may help to ward off the common cold.
I hope so, I've run out of tissues.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
May 1, 2015 at 9:23 pm
Part One
Q: Why did Jenny fall off the swing?
A: She had no arms.
Part Two
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Jenny
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RE: joke time
May 1, 2015 at 9:34 pm
Quote:An attractive young woman had finished taking golf lessons from the Club Pro. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her Golf Pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," was her reply.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said: "Then your stance is too wide"
Quote:This cowpoke is ridin' across the prairie in the 1860's, it's hot and he's dozin' in the saddle, lulled into sleep by the gentle rocking as his horse walks slowly along. He wakes and finds the horse standing still, cropping grass. The cowpoke rubs sleep from his eyes and looks around. He's wandered smack into the middle of a burned out wagon train! Bodies of people and horses are layin' everywhere with arrows stickin' up out of 'em like grisly pincushions. He pulls his Colt and nudges his horse forward, takin' in the carnage. Nearly to the end of the line of burned-out wagons, he notices a nude form on the ground off to his left, bone white and shining against the yellow of the sunscorched prairie. He rides slowly over and discovers it's a lovely young woman lying spreadeagled, staked out on the ground. He sits and gazes down at her, sadness swelling in his heart at the loss of life and at her incredible beauty. Then a miracle! Her eyes flutter and open and she squints up at him and starts in disbelief. "Oh sir! Thank God you've come! My husband and everyone on the wagon train were murdered by Indians before my eyes. Then they staked me out and ten braves had their way with me! Oh please untie me and take me with you!"
The cowpoke eases out of the saddle, slips his gun back into the holster, drops his gunbelt to the ground beside him and begins unbuttoning his trousers. "Lady, this just ain't your day!"
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RE: joke time
May 1, 2015 at 9:39 pm
(May 1, 2015 at 9:23 pm)Jericho Wrote: Part One
Q: Why did Jenny fall off the swing?
A: She had no arms.
Part Two
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Jenny
If there is a god, I want to believe that there is a god. If there is not a god, I want to believe that there is no god.
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