joke time

[Exian]

Not seeing it on the phone. Just maroon. Don't tell me we stumbled on another The Dress.

[Cyberman]

An old lady went into a record collector shop and there's a little boy manning the counter.

She asked, "Have you got 'Jingle Bells' on a seven-inch?"

Ne said, "No, but I've got dangling balls on a twelve-inch."

She said, "Is that a record?"

He said, "It is for a ten year old."

[Minimalist]

Muslim book store...

 
So, I was walking through the mall
and saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a
Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a
look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help
me.  I imagine, I didn't look like his normal
clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of the U.S.
immigration policy book regarding Muslims?”

The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

[downbeatplumb]

A farmers wife was laying in bed reading some erotic fiction, 50 shades of hay.
She heard a tramp, tramp, tramp on the stairs and in walked her husband the farmer.
Under his left arm was a very woolly smelly sheep chewing on a stalk of grass.
The farmer locked eyes with his wife and said in an angry voice.
"This is the pig I've been making love to every night!"
The farmers wife screech a retort.
"You idiot, you fool, you stupid man.....that's not a pig..... that's a sheep!"

and the farmer replied.

---

"I was talking to the sheep!"

---

[Little lunch]

I'd barely sat down on the public dunny when a man in the next stall asks me how I am.
I tell I'm fine thank you.
He asks what I'm doing.
I tell him I'm just sitting there like he is.
He asks if he can come over.
I tell him no because I'm a little busy right now.
He says,'hang on, I'll have to call you back. The dickhead in the next stall keeps answering all my questions.'

[Cyberman]

I was disappointed when I missed a Jehovah's Witness who knocked on my door this morning. I mean, I had a clear line of fire and everything.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I recently went for a haircut and the adorable girl stylist smiled at me and asked, 'Can I give you a little trim?'

'That'd be grand!' I said.  'And maybe later, a haircut.

Boru

[KUSA]

One day the Pope was walking down an Italian road when he spotted a black magic shop in an alleyway.

Curious, he decided to go inside and look around. As he approached the counter, the woman behind told him they were doing a special on Voodoo Dolls.

The Pope thought for a few moments and told the woman he would like to buy one. She then informed him he would need to get the hair of the person he would like the doll to represent. He plucked some hair from his head and handed it over the counter. "You want a doll of yourself?" she asked. The Pope nodded and soon left with his doll.

The next day the Pope was visiting some young lads who were victims of abuse at one of his churches.

Producing the doll he said to the child, "Show me on the doll where that naughty priest touched you."

[Minimalist]

After many, many years of marriage, George and Pat were lying in bed one evening, when Pat felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As Pat had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" To which George responded, "I found the remote."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The first scientist to successfully clone a human being was arrested today after pushing his creation out of a 12th story window.  When asked why his did it, the scientist told the police that he couldn't take any more of the victim's foul language.

---

He was charged with making an obscene clone fall.

---

Boru