(January 5, 2016 at 4:59 pm)Sal Wrote:I'm sorry you suffered like that. Why do you think it took you four years to shed your belief? Was there anyone in your life that you were afraid of disappointing? Just wondering.(December 30, 2015 at 10:17 am)*Deidre* Wrote: If you were ever a theist/believer, what led you to no longer believe? Not looking to preach, that’s not my thing and it’s against rules anyway, but just curious. I remember my own journey over the past few years with it all, and just thought it’d be interesting to hear your ‘stories’ if you were once believers before identifying as an atheist.
On my 5th re-reading of the Bible, I noticed that there were 2 versions of The Ten Commandments and asked myself, paraphrasing: Why would God need 2 versions of The Ten Commandments. Not what made me an atheist, but got the ball rolling, so-to-speak. Took me 4 grueling years to finally shed my god-belief.
(January 5, 2016 at 5:16 pm)Old Baby Wrote: There were a number of reasons for me.
First, it was looking around after having spent my whole life in church and realizing that I didn't know anyone whose life had really been "transformed" by salvation. I knew people whose lives changed after getting into religion, but nothing that I would call "miraculous". It seemed to me that people changed because they wanted to change. Furthermore, they seemed to ONLY change in those areas where they felt that change was necessary. I saw people who were "delivered" of addictions, but retained more insidious traits that they didn't seem the least bit concerned about.
Furthermore, I sincerely tried to "get saved" many times but never felt anything. It seemed to make no difference at all. I never felt confident that anything had actually happened. I was baptized twice and just couldn't have that blissful meaningful moment that others seemed to be having. Also, any change that did occur was because I willed it to occur. If I stopped sinning sexually, it was because I told myself "This is a sin" and willed myself to stop doing it... for a while. There was never anything that gave me any additional strength.
Despite being raised as a Pentecostal (aka "holy roller") I saw no evidence that any of the Holy Spirit Baptism experience that I was witnessing were true. I saw people falling, dancing, laughing in the spirit, speaking in tongues, prophesying...yet, underneath the surface they were just the same petty people who would turn around from talking in tongues and stick a knife in the back of one of their brethren.
It was pressed upon me to get baptised in the Holy Spirit and speak in tongues. I tried. One night a friend and I stayed at church for 10 hours straight doing nothing but praying and singing hymns, trying to call down the fire of God. Finally, I remember just bursting into tears and not knowing why. My friend started jibbering. I thought he was talking in tongues. Then, he stopped and came and started praying for me to speak in tongues. I stopped crying and started making jibberish sounds, trying to talk in tongues. Finally he said, "You spoke in tongues" and I said "No, it didn't happen... I was just making noises, but I heard you speaking in tongues." He also denied this and said that he had not. Yet, members of my church who heard our story afterward, who weren't even there when all of this occurred, assured us that we HAD spoken in tongues. The pastor told me that speaking in tongues has nothing to do with God taking control of me, but that I just need to open my mouth and start speaking and have faith that it's God.
Beyond the experiential, I began to see that certain aspects of my faith made no sense.
For example, if God is all-knowing and all-loving and his will is what I should be striving for, what sense does it make for me to pray for anything? Wouldn't that be like a child going to his father and saying "Dad, would you go to work today so we can have money to buy groceries so I can eat?" Any loving father would say "Son, you don't have to ask me that. I've got it taken care of. Just trust me." Thus, I realized that it made no sense to pray for anything because ultimately I was just a silly child who didn't know what to ask for anyway.
Finally, I began to reason that if God is Truth, then Truth is God. That means that there's no reason to hide from ideas that have traditionally been considered faith-breaking. Truth can only confirm God, right? Thus, I disembarked to prove my God and found the evidence took me to a different conclusion entirely...
Hi old baby, thank you sharing all of this. I've never really understood the concept of speaking in tongues. I always took it to mean that everyone was speaking in different languages and understood each other lol I'm sorry you went through all of that. In my view, the idea of God just can't be contained in a religion etc...in a neat little box. The way I view it is faith should be a positive, freeing experience, and for many, it is far from that, largely, because people want to control others through it. It's a personal experience for me, now.
Your story is interesting to me, and resonates. Again, thank you.
