I called a friend who is a believer...

[MTL]

Sometimes I feel cheated.  We've got folks on these boards that have had -two-  fantastic "born again" style experiences (one on the way in, one on the way out)......and I get nada. 

Still better than what I got, Rhythm:

---

When I was at my lowest, I flung myself of God's mercy, confessed my wretchedness and waning faith,
and begged for His mercy, forgiveness and guidance.  I cried myself to sleep.

Near dawn, my dreams shifted and became visceral; I dreamt I was in my own bed,
and I dreamt that my chest was cut open from within and an ephemeral luminous mist escaped upwards like steam,
with Jesus' face in the midst of it, looking at me, expressionlessly and emotionlessly.

I had begged for His mercy and guidance,
and He looked right at me and turned His back on me,
leaving my heart a gaping, dark, charred shell.

If a person wants a sign, how is that for one???


(Now, in retrospect:  Do I believe it was really Jesus?  Unlikely.  Possible, but unlikely.

....And if Jesus really exists, and that WAS really Him,
then He is either not really the Son of God,
or He does not really love me as He claims to...

More likely it was my own subconscious telling me that I knew that Religion couldn't save me
and I didn't need it anymore).


To Christians who tell me I am not watching for "signs",
or that I am failing to listen for that "still, small voice",
I ask this:

If that awful dream was only my own subconscious,
or perhaps even the machinations of the Devil,

...why, when I have hit rock bottom and am flinging pride to the winds, confessing my unworthiness
and begging God's forgiveness and mercy...

...WHY, THEN, would Jesus allow me to have such a dream?

If it was my own subconscious...why would Jesus allow my subconscious to create that lie,
just after I had flung myself of His mercy?

If it was the Devil's illusion...same question?

---

That dream made it impossible for me to ever have faith that Jesus is the Son of God, ever again.