Still struggling.

[robvalue]

The truth isn't going anywhere. You'll have plenty more opportunities in your life to listen to all kinds of points of view, to hear more theists and atheists make arguments, and then it's up to you to make your mind up. It's not like you have to have all the answers right now, or that you can't eventually change your mind if new evidence emerges. In fact, being of a mindset where you refuse to change your mind even when presented with new, credible evidence is being closed minded. I'm always open to people presenting evidence that challenges any of my beliefs. Sometimes they do, and my beliefs change accordingly. When it comes to theism, no one has presented anything new in my whole life. But they may yet. And if they do, and it's convincing, I'll be a theist who doesn't worship God and I'll most likely carry on just as I do now.

Right now the important thing is to focus on your treatment and to get better. God isn't going anywhere, particularly if he doesn't exist Even if rebelling against your mum was a motivating factor, it may have just sped up the conclusion you were coming to anyway. It sounds that way to me.