a brilliant description of growing up fundamentalist female

[J a c k]

I remember having a crush on someone when I was in sixth grade. This person, according to what I had learned in church, was definitely not for me. I tried my best not to think about it, and if I ever did, I'd beat myself up and pray. So anyway, one day at school this person found me between classes. I was sitting on some stairway and suddenly felt someone sitting next to me. I recognized the shoes. So shiny. So in. I got so nervous. I dared not look up. I kept doodling on my notebook. So the kid asks me what I'm doing, all while putting an arm around my shoulders and leaning into me to see my drawings. I responded quickly and my stomach began to hurt. God was surely mad at me. I was being a traitor. How could I be happy? How could I be sad at the same time? Kid says, "Are you nervous?" I quickly get up and run down the stairs. I went home. Didn't make it to my next class. I went straight to my room and cried until I could no more. I felt guilty. I felt good. I felt excited. I felt guilty for feeling excited. I prayed and then fasted the next day. Next Sunday I had a talk with the youth pastor and confessed (partially, because if I said everything about the kid, this would certainly be discussed with my parents). Youth pastor told me that the Holy Spirit was still with me, because it made me feel guilty. He said that if I ever stopped feeling guilty, then I should worry that the spirit left me. He then told me that the only sin god wouldn't forgive was the sin of heresy against the Holy Spirit. I then went through a crisis that lasted several months because someone told me about the unforgivable sin, and now my mind was playing tricks on me. 
Thoughts:
holy spirit is dumb
I hate the holy spirit
The holy spirit sucks

Sure, I think it's funny now lol! But fuck! It was a mind fuck! I kept thinking I was doomed to hell! I kept thinking that life had no value anymore, because I had committed the unforgivable sin. My parents had to stay up with me at night and help me pray so I could eventually fall asleep. I had anxiety attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts, you name it. 

So anyway, this is just a small window of my life growing up fundie. Thanks to reason and the hard work that my brother and I put in, neither my parents nor my siblings remain theists. We have all stepped into the light.