Someone stole the body!

[Pat Mustard]

This is not a thread for Jesus mythists, so let's suppose that Jesus of Nazareth existed.  Professor Bart Ehrman, in his 2008 debate with William Craig, gave a completely naturalistic explanation of Jesus' supposed "resurrection" from the dead, which I am going to embellish on my own:

1)  Around age 30 Jesus went down to Jerusalem for the first time from Galilee after being born in Nazareth, got busted by the Romans for causing trouble in the Temple, went before a Roman proctor (probably, never even met Pilate -- few, if any, criminals ever did), was labeled a loon and insurrector, and with some likely influence from the Jewish authorities, was executed by crucifixion.

2)  Jesus had some sympathizers, and with some influence, his body was handed over to them and buried in a tomb.  The Jewish authorities likely agreed to this as some sort of "peace offering" to Jesus' followers.

3)  However, some of Jesus' family members, followers and friends were unhappy with his burial arrangements, and so, in the middle of the night, they went and stole Jesus' body.  But while they were traveling with Jesus' corpse, they were discovered by a Roman watch, confronted, and after a brief scuffle, they were all killed by the Romans.  Their bodies, along with Jesus', were buried in an unmarked grave.

4)  Later on some women followers of Jesus went to the tomb of his supposed burial and discovered that his body was missing.

5)  In the months and years following Jesus' death, his followers began having visions of the "risen" savior.

6)  Later on the letters of Paul were written (the earliest by Paul), and then the Gospels, Mark being the first.  After Mark, came Matthew and Luke, and finally, John, with its highly embellished accounts of Jesus' life, and finally, the Gospel of Peter, with even more embellishments than John.  It is likely that Mark contains some authentic history of Jesus, the fact that some women went to Jesus' tomb, discovering that it was empty and fleeing because "they were afraid" with Mark clearly ending at 16:8.  Later on the ending of Mark was embellished further.

From the description in the bible, Yeshua would not have been crucified. The "crimes" he committed were ones under Jewish sanhedric (religious) law, not under Roman state law (disturbing the peace in the temple, going around preaching without the equivalent of a licence were sanhedric crimes not Roman ones), and also, Iudea was not part of Rome proper, but a client state, at that stage. Sanhedric law didn't perscribe crucifixion as a death penalty but either hanging or stoning, and as Roman law wasn't involved the Roman state wouldn't have punished Yeshua.

Assuming that Yeshua was a real person, it is far more likely he wasn't killed (at least in the way described in the bible, and to be killed by jewish religious authorities is problematic for a putative messiah) and just disappeared into the mists. The crucifixion is then inserted into the stories of the cult growing around Saul of Tarsus to embiggen its supposed founder.